Hi. I just started Love Busters yesterday and i read where we should be having at least 15 hours of quality time together. I instantly felt a wave of hopelessness. Theres no way we can ever achieve this. We dont have a babysitter. And when he has to go get his son for the weekend i hardly ever see him those weekends because of the long drive to get him and taje him back. He leaves straight from work and gets home around bedtime. He works every saturday(temporary until we are debt free) and Sunday when he has hus son is a long druve taking him home. Me and the kids stay home when he takes his son home. During the week i see him about 2.5 hours after work before its bedtime. Do you all really spend 15 hours a week just you two together??

Yes, and we have 7 kids (going on 8).

To do this, you have to set your priorities. You first schedule the time for your marriage, and then you fit everything else in around that time. Doing this is essential for the health of your marriage -- the program does not work without this step. We have found that by having the 15 hours a week together, we are also better parents and better employees. Life just feels better, and we are more productive.

It is doable, you will just have to change your lifestyle. Put your marriage first, and everything else will fall into place.

Yes, we struggled with this a lot, but we decided to make our marriage a priority and now it is really our priority. We have jobs, kids and other responsabilities as well.

And no, doing less hours is not an option, you start to feel the difference once you do 15 hours a week, no less. Five or ten hours a week will not give you enough time to make enough deposits, thus you will feel less motivated. Do not bargain with it, just do it.

Many spend more time than that. The key is to prioritize your marriage before less important things. Once you do that, you will find the time. If he can find time to go to work and pick up his child, he can find time for his marriage.

??????? If he can find time to go to work and pick up his child??? Like what? Stop getting his son and quit his job? Okay...this really seems undoable in our life..we seriously do not have 15 hours a week. We barely have an hour!

Just want to say i am happy for all of you who can do this. Unfortunately, I dont see a way at all in my marriage.

You do not have the time because you have not made the time.

We have the time because we make it a priority in our lives. It took work to change our livestyles so that we could do this -- it wasn't by some magic pixy dust or luck of the draw. We're not doing anything that you couldn't do, if you were willing.

You actually have 168 hours a week. Do you think he could keep a job if he only went for an hour a week? Of course not. So how do you and he expect to sustain a marriage that way? You can't.

The issue is not that you don't have time, it is that you don't prioritize your time.

here

Like I said, if he can find time to go to work and drive to pick up his son, I assure you he can find time for something much more important, like his marriage. All it takes is willingness. How did he find time to pick up his son? How did he find time to go to work?

From The Policy of Undivided Attention
I suggest you read that whole article.

I am willing. But you dont understand . Theres no time to make time. I stay at home allll day. I dont go anywhere. Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.

One thing that may help is planning to become debt free later. Debt puts much less strain on marriage than being unable to meet each other's emotional needs.

I stay home too. All day.
I have 8 kids.

If I can do it, so can you. You've given up before you even tried.

There are 168 hours in a week. 15 hours is only 9% of the week. You can spend the other 91% doing almost anything else!

I would point out that you found time for your husband to squeeze in a job every Saturday. Presumably because you wish to be debt free. While that is a noble goal, you've traded your time together for it.

15 hours certainly isn't impossible if you think it through.

The intent on this forum isn't to scold you. It's to help you work through how and where to find that time. Would you be willing to work through that logically?

You seem to have your mind made up already that it isn't possible and aren't really open to solutions. Just an observation.

Just so you know, this program does not work without this step because you can't possibly sustain a marriage on an hour a week. Going to work and picking up children will not sustain a marriage. And that's ok with us if you don't do it, but you will be wasting your time with this program if you refuse to spend 15+ hours of UA time with your husband every week.

When Dr Harley was in private practice he would refuse to work with any couple who refused to do this step, because "my program will not work without it."

But neglecting your marriage is an option? Doesn't that demonstrate that your priorities are messed up?

I am not saying that I don't agree that having that time is important. I do believe that the emptiness of my love bank is mostly due to the fact of us not spending time together. We have been married 9 years and maybe been on 4 dates by ourselves. I understand that this program will not work without those hours. So maybe I need to look at another program? I don't feel there is time to "find 15 hours". Seriously.
Here's our schedule.
Tues-Friday wake @ 3am Hubby leaves at 4am to go to work.
He gets home at 5pm. We go to bed at 7:30pm (kids in bed at 6)
Fridays that he gets his son, I see him enough to say goodnight.

Every Saturday he works all day 10-8pm. This side job is a new job. And its just temporary until out of debt. We cant do without this job. It's been a blessing. We have to get out of debt..or we risk going under.

Sundays: Church 10-1:30. If its a sunday we have his son then we eat lunch right after church and he leaves right after lunch to take him home. And I dont see him till that night.

Mondays: (Off days of work and school)Grocery Shopping.

I just dont see getting 15 hours from that. Without neglecting the kids. Im not saying there ISNT time at all.....just not 15 hours.

Riiiiiiiiight. So quit your job and disown your son just so we can have more time for each other. That is horrible!
Lets loose everything we have, our home, our cars, but as long as we have each other it O.K...PFFFT!!!!

There is seriously no such thing as a program that works if you neglect your marriage. it is not a matter of the right program, it is just a true fact that you can't sustain a marriage if you don't spend time with your spouse.

What magic program will produce a great marriage when you neglect it? There is no such thing.


This is the first problem I would address. He needs to find a job were he is home at a reasonable hour. The job should complement the marriage, not the other way around. You can't expect to stay married this way.

If he found a job where he is home by 5pm every night, you could get 2-3 dates per week. [hire a babysitter] So there is 10 hours right there.


Here is 4 more hours that can be devoted to your marriage. You can go out on dates on Saturday. He can either quit the job or find one that works with your marriage. This one does not.


If this is every week, you could make it once a month and you go on the ride with him. That way you could spend quality time together on the ride home.


Once again, if you have time to do all this less important stuff, you have plenty of time to go out on dates. All it takes is willingness.


You are neglecting your kids if you are neglecting your marriage. And yes, you are neglecting your marriage.

It is in your children's best interest for you to haev a solid, secure marriage. By neglecting their marriage, you are risking their security!

Ok, now you are being silly and dramatic. No one told you to have him "quit his job" and "disown his son."

Are you here to waste our time or find solutions? See, we have already achieved great marriages and are volunteering our own free time to help you.