After three months of my return to Plan A (one year of separation and five months in Plan B), I finally had a conversation with my husband on non-safe topics. We had been doing very well these last few months enjoying family activities and getting comfortable with each other. I was cautiously optimistic that he was willing to work things out.<P>Not any more. It turns out the affair has been active the entire time. When I asked him why he hasn't filed divorce and left me stringing along for a year, he said "because I'm lazy.". I feel like a complete fool. Here I am making all sorts of excuses for him - midlife crisis, depression, breakdown, whatever. Turns out he's just living the high-life of no responsibilities and having his affair. He just didn't have the courage to tell me it was over.<P>It took alot of talking tonight to get him to say he wants a divorce and he still didn't do it with conviction. I asked him to do the filing right away and he said he would, but I'm not holding my breath. I think it's just one more thing I'll have to take care of myself.<P>I feel like a complete idiot. The man I met with tonight has no character whatsover. I have no respect for him. I had to ask him if he thought it was wrong to end a marriage this way. He said "I've made some mistakes". Won't spend one minute of effort to save a 14 year marriage with two children, one of whom he left as a newborn. I feel like such a fool.<P>I don't know if I'll hang around the forum anymore. I no longer feel qualified to give others advice. I think I need to spend some time getting myself together and figuring out what I want in the divorce settlement.<P>I wish you all much success in your efforts to make your marriages and lives wonderful. This board serves a wonderful purpose, even if it didn't work out for me.

Yes, I can see why you feel the marriage is over. I would feel the same way. Sometimes I think we just have to give up if we want to or not. If you can't respect him anymore I really have to wonder what kind of foundation your marriage would have anyway.<BR>I know maybe you need a break from this forum but just know that alot of us are hear with a big shoulder to cry on if you just feel that you need someone to talk to.<BR>Good Luck and live life for yourself now. <P><BR>Jill

Distressed,<P>I have been there and know what you're feeling. You've been doing this longer however and I don't know how you find the strength, I commend you.<P>I too am going through divorce and yes, I had to be the one to file even though it's not what I want. Time to move on. If you need help dealing with the D process I'll do what I can to help.<P>Maybe I don't belong here either but I'm still lurking - just not as much

Distressed,<BR>Sorry to hear of your plight. I'm in the same boat. In my last talk with my w, it became clear to me that there was no way for our marriage to work even if she returned, she has nothing left for me. <BR>She had a proposal drawn up 2 months ago, before she had even left. I"m not sure what has taken so long in getting it to me. I think its her lawyers screwup(he is known for this.)

Hi Distressed,<BR> You are not a fool, just a very strong, loyal person ...do not put yourself down....you have shown an amazing amount of strength and love.Your H is the loser big time. My question to you is what do YOU want? Do you want a D? If you don't at the present time , don't bother filing....go to Plan B and start to live your life for you....you will then figure out what you want. I just don't see why you have to file if that's not what you truly want.But it sure sounds like you need to cut contact immediately, to save yourself....I hope you stay on here, you have given such good advice ......Lu

Distressed - welcome to the "no - we are not fools/idiots club". Those of us whose relationships are ending in divorce are strong and did what we could to save the marriage. We can look ourselves in the mirror and stand proud before our children.<P>Things will seem bleak at first, but you will survive. Surround yourself with family/friends if you can - and do hang around the board if you feel like it - your advice is no less valid just because your H is making the biggest mistake of his life. I too felt that I would stop posting, but have become so close to many of you.<P>Big hugs to you distressed - and go easy on yourself. Know you did everything you could!!!<P>Starpony

Distressed:<P>I'm really so sorry to hear this news. You're not an idiot---you've been acting with courage and a strength of conviction in the benefit of your marriage.<P>As I said to ATW---you too are an inspiration to many around here, and you've done a tremendous job in working through your marriage. Be proud!

Thanks everyone for your support. This is just a very hard time.<P>Lu, want is probably too strong a word. I feel like I have to have an end to this. I want to save my marriage, but that's secondary to ending limbo. It has been very hard on me and on the family, particularly my son. I already spent five months in Plan B and there is no way I can go back there.<P>The hardest thing now is I feel hit in the face with some realizations. I may want to save the marriage, but I don't respect the man I'm married to. What I want to save is the concept of marriage, the concept of an intact family, the memories of happiness, and the dreams for the future. But I've lost any sense that this is a worthy man for any of that. I think I'm mourning these concepts, but the concepts weren't a relection of reality, past or future. If this man can't invest any effort to even try, and doesn't think keeping the family together is a worthy purpose, he isn't the kind of man I need.<P>I'm clear that his thinking still isn't rational, but I don't have more to give. I'm very sad, but moreso disappointed in him and in myself. I feel like I really misjudged him for a long time and I'm embarrassed about how far I went in trying to work things out. I know he didn't set out to make me look foolish (it's more a byproduct of his cowardice), but I do feel that way. I've been defending him for months with family and friends and they were right to begin with.<P>I'm headed out on vacation this weekend for two weeks. I'll think through how I want to handle this and definitely won't do anything until I come back. The big issues I'm facing are 1) do I file if he doesn't (or is there any other reasonable alternative that ends limbo for me), 2) what/how do we tell our son (nearly seven), and 3) what do I want financially, custodially, and visitation-wise out of a divorce.<P>You all are a wonderful bunch and I do think I've grown/matured from this experience. I'll make someone a good wife if I ever get another opportunity. Right now, it feels like I'll be condemned to a loveless life alone (I know that's not rational, but it is how I feel right now). Fortunately, I do have the world's best children, great family and friends, and a terrific career. I know I'll get through this once I get passed my grief.

Your last post really hit home for me...we all have invested a lot of time and sweat hoping to keep our marriages going, and when the Betrayer continues the destructive behavior, over and over again, it eats away at your feelings of love and conviction for the marriage. I don't know how many times in the past two years I have heard, "it is over, I love you and want to make it work" and then find out he has contacted the OW and told her he cannot live without her. We have separated three times now, and perhaps I should have been stronger before in a Plan B approach, but when he would come to me and say, " It is over", I would believe him and let him back in. And you are right, my respect for him is dwindling. Harley is right, when the Betrayer continues the behavior, it depletes our love bank ten fold. Do I still want my marriage? Yes. But I will not settle for anything but a true, deep commitment and a plan to make our marriage the best it can be, for both of us. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I am in the same boat. I do not want a divorce, but I do not want to continue with the man he has become. I really have learned lots during this process. You might go to the web and look at the BPSO support pages...I can give you the address if you want. Don't make excuses for your husband. He is sick and refuses to take charge of his illness because it 'feels' so good...hey, irresponsibility, sexual conquest, no cares...gee...makes him kind of tingle...my husband 'thinks( a funny word to call what he does)" that if he takes it slowly it is best for all of us because we get used to the new him....just that phrase alone 'the new me' sends shivers down my spine and I realize it is a mental illness I am fighting and not the man I was married to for so long. I separated my husband from his disease long ago. I will fight this disease and not see my husband...it spooks me though because the disease is living in his body...just remember the story of the prodigal son when he was in the pig pen eating swill with the hogs and he thought he was feasting...that's our spouses...also, many times when I talk to my husband I am reminded of the story of the man who was possessed and refered to as 'legion'...because my husband seems to have a host of illogical beings inside of him...you are fortunate you have had some good times lately, but did your conversations really make sense, or did you question what was said afterwards? Each conversation with my husband leaves me confused about the bizarre leaps in logic he can take, so I avoid contact at all...wish my youngest son could see that but he is an illogical adolescent...who knows his father is sick, just not how..and is sure God will fix his dad without his father wanting it...Well, we do continue to pray for that...<P>Good luck to you...God Bless..teach

Distressed,<P>I'm very sorry to hear of your situation, but i suspect you are right about making someone a good wife one day. The beauty of your character makes that highly likely. <P>If you chose to file for divorce you should check into a program called DivorceCare. It's a series of video's that address ALL the aspects of divorce from financial to children to other relationships.<P>DivorceCare<BR>P.O. Box 1739<BR>Wake Forest, NC 27588-1739<BR>919-562-2112<P>My marriage of 19 years appears headed for divorce (at least a separation for now) and i know this program has helped me.<P>

I'm so sorry Distressed. You've given me some very good input in my situation. You aren't an idiot, but I understand the feeling too well. You've done what is right. "It is better to suffer for doing right than prosper for doing wrong."<P>I too am looking at my H, who really is acting like my H this week, but I'm wondering if that other liar is coming back. At least now, for me, working with at some true information, I find I'm better able to function and make decisions. Work is going better, I'm not just sitting there aghast/confused at my life. Now I'm just aghast. At home I stare at my H a lot, although I try to do it with "soft" eyes so it's more like "gazing". I want to peel him open and just fix what is wrong.

(((((Distressed)))))<P>You are NOT an idiot. You did everything you could to keep your family intact. There are those who would tell you that a marriage should be saved at any cost. I've heard of people "standing" for their marriage for as long as four years and counting; martyrdom just wasn't for me. The reality of it all is that sometimes we are better off putting an end to things and moving on with our lives. There comes a point when your own sense of self steps in and says "Enough! I deserve better!" And you do.<P>I did not wait for my stbx to file; I'd probably still be waiting if I didn't. After all, he has any number of girls to keep him company and wifey-poo at home raising his kids and keeping his bills paid. I didn't know it, but that's the life we had been living for literally years. Three months later I truly am happier than I have been in years.<P>As far as deciding what you want in the settlement, you need to consult with an attorney. You CAN have a "positive" relationship with him - and I'm sure you'll want that for the kids - and how you proceed will go a long way toward that end. <P>You will be okay! And so will your kids. If you ever need somebody to talk to, my e-mail's around... Take care and good luck!<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P><BR>

Distressed, DO NOT feel foolish. You and I did what we felt we had to do. But as you say, we eventually were fighting for the concept of marriage, wanting an intact family, etc. But we both know these men do not share our values, if they have any values at all. I cried quite a bit yesterday, but mostly for the loss of what my ideas of how a marriage should be. I can honestly say I no longer want this man in my life. <BR><BR>I will write you. Today is a brand new day.<BR><BR>You have my hugs and prayers.

Dear Distressed,<P>I read where you called yourself an idiot and a fool. But I think that your husband needs to assume this description. Because it is obvious to me that he has lost a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, caring, wife. And he can't see that. you have sacrificed your own feelings in an effort to save a marriage that he destroyed. I think I am correct in thinking that he is the idiot and he is the fool. And before long he will recognized himself and what he truly is.<P>You stay the wonderful person that you are. We are all here for you. <P>Love, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you and if you get tired, he will lift you up, and carry you.

I'm just glad to hear im not the only one who feels this way....<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Hi Distressed,<P>I, too, am very sorry for what has happened. I have to agree completely with liza, your H is the IDIOT and the FOOL, NOT YOU!!! Having hopes and dreams is not foolish. In fact, the opposite is true. <P>Don't you ever, not for a second, be sorry for wanting your marriage to work. Everyone here is in the exact same situation as you. Just because your H has decided to throw away a wonderful wife and family, doesn't make you any different than us. It was HIS decision, not yours. Hence, HE is the FOOL!<P>Take care of yourself and we're here if you need us. <P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller

Distressed -<P>I am so sorry and am sorry I don't know how to comfort you.<P>I completely understand all that you have said and realized. I have no respect for the man my H has become either. It's a devastating feeling!!!<BR>I'm still at the point where I am doing well with separating my H with the current H because of the fantasy, but someday I may have to face that this is the person he will live the rest of his life as.<P>My prayers for strength and healing go out to you and you're not alone in any of this.....just remember that!!!<P>Try to have a relaxing weekend and next week can start by setting new goals.<P>hugs,<P>Sheba

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I feel much better today. Was able to sleep well last night and didn't cry. I think I'm over the worst of this.<P>I'm more comfortable with myself. I did everything possible to save my marriage and can leave with my head held high. I don't know what happened to my husband, but he isn't the man I thought. That's his problem, not mine. We don't have the same values. Regardless of his feelings towards me, I don't want to be with a man that values his children so little and is unwilling to face himself. I know I will be better off and I also know that I can live the rest of my life in peace about this decision.<P>You folks have been a God send to me and many, many others. I don't know how I would have survived the last year without this forum and the many friends I made here. I am a wiser, more mature person based on this experience. It's very sad to lose a marriage, but I must have faith that it will be better for me in the long run. I just need to make sure that the children never suffer from this situation.<P>I'm off on vacation now and will see you all in about ten days.