My husband is on his 3rd (I think) confirmed EA. I say �I think� because there was one that almost happened, and I shut it down. This current one was with his FIRST COUSIN.
We�ve been married for 30 years, 3 children, the middle child still with us (28). When the 28-year-old was 2, I was a SAH mom, while the husband worked swing shift. Most often I was in bed when he got home, but then I noticed he was getting home in the wee hours more and more. This was so long ago I barely remember the details, but he had purchased this �erotic� small sculpture for me at an arts fair. I didn�t want it around the kids so in the closet it went. He had a box of stuff under the bathroom sink with razors, combs, etc., and while looking for something I found a pendant that was a mirror image of the erotic sculpture. I assumed he was going to give it to me. Weeks later, it went missing, so I confronted him about it AND the coming home late. He confessed to me a wild story about how he had met this woman who had a baby and an �abusive� relationship. He was �just trying to help� by taking our son�s diapers, food, etc., to her, and of course didn�t want to say anything to me. Apparently it was a scam; she and her boyfriend tried to extort him for money, and that�s when he told me about it. I remember it well�in the kitchen, he told me about it. When I asked if he had slept with her, he hung his head and it took him a minute to say �no.� I never believed it. When I asked about the pendant, he said he had no idea what I was talking about. So, being young and stupid, I let this all pass.

In 2013, he had an EA with a student. He was a driving instructor so spent a lot of �alone� time with another needy woman. This one was supposedly getting beaten up by her boyfriend and was also an alcoholic. Yes, he also has White Knight Syndrome (for other women, not me). That year at Christmas, when we normally spend Christmas Eve with our kids, playing games and eating, he stayed downstairs, supposedly wrapping presents. He never once came upstairs. About a week later, he got a phone call, and went outside to take it. I was livid. I didn�t know who this was, but when he came back in I demanded he tell me the whole sordid story. A month earlier we were at a concert, and he was texting a lot. He said it was his boss. It was her, and there were 44 texts just that night. So over the course of months, he took her shopping (because she couldn�t drive), rescued her from her BF, rescued her from bars, and confided in her and allowed her to cry on his shoulder. He claims he never slept with her. When I found all this out, I threatened violence. There was really no one I could expose to. So, we talked a lot, and he cut off contact�or so I thought. His letter to her was that his wife was a �strong woman who monitors the phone and email and will not hesitate to harm you should you contact me again.� Not once did he say he loved his wife or his family. Anyway. That was February 2014. So on we go with our lives, and I tried to learn to trust him again. He was sweet to me and seemed to be working hard at us.

Until I discovered an email from her that August 2014. I read it, saved it, etc., and it looked to be a response to him. I am positive this all continued for months because that�s how the email read. But he deletes all his �sent� mail and phone calls and texts. He said he was trying to �protect� me from her and her abusive boyfriend. I said he was a liar and a cheat. Again, he seemed to cut it off. But I never regained trust. We went to a marriage counselor who did no good. I never installed a keylogger, but I should have.

In July this year, he reconnected with his 64-year-old single cousin 2000 miles away. You know where this is going. I thought it was wonderful that he was reconnecting. He told me all kinds of great genealogy info that she provided to him, being the older cousin. I encouraged the relationship to the point where I even invited her to come visit (she didn�t). It�s his cousin, so why not? Over the last month or so, he stopped talking about her. When I asked how she was, he would say �fine� or that she was �shutting down� on him (we both knew she had mental issues). That triggered my old anxiety, so I checked his email. He had a folder set up just for her with 100 or so emails. Most all his sent email was gone, but you could see some responses from him. I copied and pasted them so I could read them over and over. Many if not all from HER were sordid, sexual, and I was shocked. Again, I couldn�t really see responses from him. But in addition to that, she demanded to know if he was in love with her. She said she was sick of hearing about me from him when she �knew� it was a lie. I guess the worst part is the betrayal. He told her he was �sharing things with you that I could never tell my wife.� Towards the end of the emails, she said �How could you tell me all the things that were NOT happening in your bedroom and think I wouldn�t want you and want to do those things for you?� Oh, it gets worse. She pointed to �thousands� of emails during those months. The phone bill reflects hundreds of minutes of talk with her. During this time period, he was off work on medical leave; I was working 2 jobs and going to school, so he had plenty of free time. I asked him again about her; he said she was �nuts� and was going to cut off contact. He did NOT know that I knew what I knew. So he sent her an email about how the romance was over. Nothing about how he loved his wife at all. He did not know I had already blocked her from his email.

That week, we had a beach retreat planned, which we went to, and I acted as if everything was fine. The night we returned, he made PDFs of all her emails, stashed them in a �secret� folder, and deleted them from his email. The next day while he was gone, I transferred all those PDFs to a secure website, and I deleted them from his files, in addition to pictures of her that he had (nothing sexual). I don�t think he knows they are gone.

My reaction to this has been a little different this time. Instead of going ballistic on HIM, I emailed her, called her, and texted her, calling her a vile, despicable person, and that I would destroy her life if she ever came around again. I copied and pasted one of her more sordid emails into a message. I told her if she didn�t produce all his emails by 5 p.m. that Friday, I would file a restraining order. At 5 p.m. that day, the Ohio police called me to ask what was going on, and said that she said she would not contact us again if I left her alone. I agreed�but she had to have read all this since they called at exactly 5.

Now, what I could have done was the same thing as before: Yelled, screamed, cried, and we�d be nowhere again. He would deny and laugh and say it was just his cousin. But his betrayal of me is the worst part. So, what I did was take all her emails and put them in a document that made it sound like they were between me and another man. I copied/pasted some of his responses. Then I did an analysis and spilled my guts and feelings to him�along with some research on EAs for him to read. This turned out to be 60 pages. I haven�t given it to him yet. It was 3 weeks ago that I found out. I saw a counselor who told me to give it to him. Three times in the last three weeks I said, �We need to talk.� He agreed but we haven�t yet. This last week I said there was an elephant in the room since June, and it was getting heavier. He said nothing. I am kind of leaving the ball in his court at this point but I�m not sure where else to go. I want him to TELL ME what happened. I want him to tell me the TRUTH about this relationship and why he has this pattern and WTH is he going to do about it. I told him in my letter that I was hurt, angry, gutted, sad and numb. I told him flat out in my letter that if this happens again, I will leave. I actually thought about doing that three weeks ago, but I�ve read here that this is a bad idea. I�m just not sure where to go now. He knows what this is about. He thinks it�s all swept under the rug and has no idea I know what I know. But he does know we are talking about his cousin.

There is no one to expose to. Her mother and his mother both have dementia and are in homes. Our kids have their own problems�one with a brand new baby, one working 3 jobs and going to school, etc. She does have a sister, and my husband is very close to her and her husband and kids. I suppose I could go there�I just hate to do anything to his relationship with her family. He has a brand new job�I�m not going there. We need the job and the insurance.

I�m feeling kind of lost and I am so sorry this is long.

What is your question for us? Did you have a question about the Marriage Builders program?

We discussed Enthusiastic Agreement and Radical Honesty last time, but I see obviously that hasn't worked.

My questions are:
Should I expose to his other cousin?
Should I let him spill his guts before giving him my letter and telling him what I already know?
Should I install a keylogger? Not that it would do any good at this point, I think I would leave if it happened again.
Is there any hope for him stopping this behavior?
Is it my fault? Am I to blame?
Should we go to a marriage counselor? Thank you.

I would focus on the real problem right now which is your husbands serial cheater lifestyle. He will have to make a radical change in his lifestyle in order to make a marriage work. And you will have to make a radical change in your approach to a serial cheater. I am surprised you have tolerated so many affairs. But we can help you not tolerate them.

If he will make radical changes in his lifestyle, you have a chance, but if not, you should separate and get divorced because your future will be more of the same.


You should expose his affairs to everyone, your family, his family, the cousin's spouse, if any, your children, close friends, everyone


No, you shouldn't tell him anything. Nor do you need the confession of a liar to know truth. You already know the truth.


You should install a keylogger, a GPS and spyware on his phone. I would get that done before you expose.


Yes, if he agrees to a radically transparent lifestyle where he can be held accountable 24/7. You won't be able to ever trust him out of your sight.


You are to blame for not holding him accountable in the past.


NO. Marriage counselors are destructive to marriages.

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Asking a liar to be honest is a waste of time. He will have to change his life so that he cannot possibly cheat even if it means you are together 24/7.

You should ask him to leave Because he is a serial cheater.
you should expose to any and all family and friends.
You should not be working your butt off to finance his affairs.
If you decide their are circumstances under which you would remain married, one of the conditions would need to be no computer access when you are not in the house and dumb phones only.

You can't cherry pick through the program. Cutting corners does not work, especially not with a serial cheater.

You can't skip exposure and you can't avoid things like making major lifestyle changes. That's not how MB works.

Okay, so my next question is...what if your spouse threatens to expose YOU? I've never had an affair, never even thought about it...but there are things I'm not proud of, from my teenage and young adult years. Nothing he doesn't know about, but no one else does. I'd rather they didn't get out but they may if I expose him. Just have to take that chance, I guess?

I would not think about it for 2 seconds. He will just make himself look much worse if he does.

Good point. Thank you.

I will be honest with you, this is not a very hopeful situation. Your husband is a serial cheater who has been wayward for a very long time. He has never had the motivation to quit. You have a slight chance in motivating him to change with a strategic exposure.

If that can motivate him to make a radical change in his lifestyle, you might have a marriage. If he won't make his lifestyle so transparent that he CAN'T cheat, then you have no chance and should move forward without him.

I would go read my exposure thread for some ideas on exposing. One thing you should do is set up a website and post the evidence. That way you can send out the link when you expose via email.

Is the cousin married?

She is not. Twice divorced.

This should be the least of your concerns right now.

Can you get spyware on his phone?

Maybe. I tried some before, with the last EA, but I actually could see it on his phone, so I deleted it. I need to find something that is totally foolproof.

Here is a thread about some spyware. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2868872#Post2868872

Another option is flexispy.