Good job!! It sounds like your exposure definitely had an impact. I am hopeful that friends and family will call her and try to persuade her to end it. What about her mother? Will she call?

So sorry to read about your dear son, but you did the right thing in tellng him the truth. He has a right to know that his mother is willing to destroy his family over a big fat nothing.

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Get the # and do not give up until you do. Don't ask your wife, but use directory assistance, google, etc.

Are you still monitoring her phone? Can you look at old phone bills?

The only # that would likely show up on the phone bill is the OM's cell phone. He needs his business and home #s.

The OM smartened up after 17 years, every call comes in as Anonymous so nothing is traceable. But there's been no activity from him to WW on the phones or email for a couple weeks now, except that call at 5AM today.

Reading the emails it seems like OM times his calls to WW at work. However, she has changed jobs since and it is not a private area to receive calls any more. So now it must be cell phone, but I don't see any activity on that.

By the way, I installed SMS Tracker but it doesn't work. It asks for user name and password but I don't know where to get those? The website doesn't generate them and neither does the app...?

Did you get his buisness # and home # yet? That is what you need.

MIL talked to WW about the email evidence I gave her. WW was of course furious, saying how can I embarrass her like that, "What mother would want to see embarrassing things from her child?" I didn't argue with her but I said the purpose was not to embarrass her but to get things out in the open.
I do think MIL appreciates the affair now but whether it will influence WW remains to be seen. I'm wondering if I should have waited on MIL first before going nuclear... I'm afraid to talk to MIL now as she is going to be mad at me for not holding to my promise to let her talk to WW first.

You had no reason to wait. There is no such thing as a perfect time, so you did the right thing. It is good enough that the MiL spoke to her.


Just let her know that you rethought this strategy and felt it wasn't a good idea. And truly it was not.

Really, when would the MIL ever had agreed that a right time Ever would have presented itself?

The ONLY thing that could have occurred by waiting until after she spoke with your Wayward Wife, would have been that Her Daughter would have pleaded with her stating how much any exposure would have dragged her dirty laundry out in public where everyone could chastise her and talk about her behind her back.

MIL, when would be the Perfect time to expose your Daughters affair?

How many more days or weeks shall we wait to let this marriage breaking affair sink it's deadly teeth further into her and your Marriage?

She could not possibly give you any good answers to these, so be kind to her and continue to be an even more loving Son-In-Law to her, continually showing by actions that now that the exposure deed is done, the real loving work has at least a chance to rebuild and recover your Marriage.

Remember, unless you missed any targets with your exposure, you can also be pleasant to your Wayward Wife about that topic if or when she brings it up again.

Now, you can put her mind at ease and concentrate totally on your Plan A.

LTL

Plan is working... MIL and her cousin are planning an intervention tonight with WW to snap her out of her fantasy.
Found out OM is single today through her cousin. Second wife left him for another man.

How would the cousin KNOW this? Does she know the wife and the OM PERSONALLY?

Did you call his business and home yet?

Still unable to get OM's business # or home #, but I think the exposure did its job.
I was finally able to figure out how to install SMS Tracker (hidden) on WW's cell. Went through the history and it looks like there's been no contact with OM since my initial discovery and confrontation (after all, the OM is a continent away). The emotional emails look like a recent development within the past month, before that the emails were fairly innocuous.
The MIL and cousin intervention was a mixed bag. They insisted that she not contact OM again. WW felt she was set up as she didn't realize her cousin was going to be there. She told them what a terrible, neglecting husband I have been and it's all my fault, etc. They sympathized with her and blasted me for following the Exposure 101 tactics, especially to my 11 year old son. I tried to defend myself by saying that the truth has to come out anyway.
WW is very upset throughout this. She said the Exposure showed what a bad person I was. Now she cannot talk to any of her friends, she feel cut off from them. I told her I didn't say anything untrue and I just used her own emails to show both her friends and my son. She said even if we split up, she will always be our son's mother, why would I want to make her a bad person? I said I just told him the facts, and those are your own words in the email. She said you don't show that to an 11 year old!
She did however come back home but is still sleeping in the guest room. Since then I've been working on Plan A and been on my best behavior. She made a comment that I have not done many of things, like offering her a chair or opening doors for her, in years. Why didn't I do that before? I said, yes I am learning a very hard lesson in being a caring husband through this. She told me she won't contact OM any more, but she can't promise that will be the case ten years from now, because she doesn't want me to have it against her like this time.
I gave her some of the material from MB and also I asked her to do the questionnaire on emotional needs. She read through some of the stuff but was not enthusiastic about this. She refused to go to a marriage counselor (the one we had sixteen years ago wasn't all that great either). I bought the SAA book and I suggested we tried to work it out ourselves, but she is rather noncommittal.
What should I do next? This ordeal is frustrating beyond belief. The first time sixteen years ago was easier to deal with, without a son and only six months under my belt. Now that I'm so invested into the marriage (literally) it is so much harder. It's only been a few days since the Exposure so I'm not sure if I'm rushing things and expecting too much too soon. But of course I just want things to get back to what they were a few months ago before all this...

Hi lost, it sounds like things are going great, however, skipping the OM exposure is a huge mistake. I know you can get his business # and expose to his parents. Just call information. What about his wife? One of the keys is causing him as much trouble as possible so he will stay away. If you can successfully kill this affair, she will withdraw from the OM and draw to you.

In the meantime, you should do your best to meet her needs. I would put aside the EN questionnaire for now and focus on the top 4 needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship. I am relieved to hear she won't go to a marriage counselor since they are so destructive to marriage.

"But of course I just want things to get back to what they were a few months ago before all this..."

We are hopeful that you never get that marriage back again because it was that marriage that led to an affair. You will have to create something immensely better to overcome this.

And hang in there! Don't get discouraged. The madder she is, the harder you hit the affair so that is a good thing. Your answers about exposure were spectacular, btw!!

Do you think I should ease off on pushing the recovery/MB programs for now? What WW said about talking to OM in 10 years is really bugging me. I have yet to get a full disclosure from her as to the nature of their A, if it was ever got to PA. She has consistently denied it before I confronted her with the emails. She keeps brushing off as the guy is not even on this continent... I don't want to push too hard and push her away, but I do believe one of the key points in the SAA book is to get everything out then we can move on.
I had a bouquet of flowers delivered to her at work today but she didn't text or call me. Normally she'd be ecstatic with something like this... I guess I need to learn to be patient and work through it. At least last night she let me massage her feet, something she really enjoyed before!
I brought up going to the gym to exercise with her as part of the effort to have recreation. She did not want that at all, as her gym classes are all women and she said I'd embarrass her. We do have a lot of fun going to our son's sporting events but I'm not sure it counts as our time together.

I would show her the affair checklist and tell her this is what it will take to save your marriage. Just let her know that otherwise this will lead to divorce. Tell her that you cannot endure ANY contact with the OM and ask her to send that piece of CRAP a no contact letter. Be FIRM and serious about the affair while trying to be as pleasant as ossible

I am very concerned about why you are ignoring my suggestions to expose to the OM's business and to verify his marital status. That is a critical exposure that can't be skipped. You can't afford to miss a single exposure when dealing with a long term affair.

Go give her this:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I gave the checklist and also the letter template to WW and asked her to look at them. It seems like we're hitting a cold spell. Yesterday she was not friendly and complained about the flowers being a pain to carry from her work to home due to the large box (!) She also said my foot massage made her feet hurt even more yesterday. Ugh! I grinned and bore it and smiled and just said I'm trying to make her feel better with the flowers and massage.

I have been digging into OM. Unfortunately there is a rather large language barrier and the fact that I don't know his name in the local language makes it very hard to find anything on him. Even to call directory assistance! They are half a day ahead of us and that also makes it difficult. Plus I don't have any mutual acquaintances except my WW and her friend who never got along with me that well before, and was rather hostile about the Exposure. So she has not been helpful after the initial phone call I had with her with the Exposure, and I don't think she will be my ally in this quest. She also has not spoken to this guy in more than 20 years and is not volunteering to contact him.

I did locate his company fax number and have faxed the letter I sent to his friends to it. I think that was what set him off and called to blast me.

I sent the same letter to 12 of his friends on Facebook (at least the 12 people that have most recently commented on his "Global" posts). However, for some reason Facebook never gave me the $1 pay option. I was successful in getting through to some of them, they actually "friended" me as a result. But I'm not sure if the other messages got delivered as FB said we are "not connected" so I think it goes into the Message Requests purgatory. Any ideas how to push them through?

It seems like you have a reasonable amount of info on him to get started. A language and cultural barrier is significant, but you have resources you can use.

Find out about the area where he lives, check the CIA factbook on the country. See what language they speak, if they are a former colony of a European nation, etc. Then find a friend who can help with translation. Missionaries to this area or areas like this, volunteer translators of the language, anyone who know who is bilingual with this language and English for whatever reason. Even if we're talking about the 3rd world, a friend who can speak French (for example) might be able to help a lot because of how many former colonies it is still a business/government language in. You may also be able to obtain his cell # subscriber info from a website for a fee. Much of that info is published by cell carriers and available if you know where to look (sites like Spokeo, Intelius, etc).

A cell phone #, picture and alias is a great start but you have to absolutely scour the web and use every resource available.

When I started tracking down OM in my situation, my wife was already gone and I had only a first name of a man I'd never met, and a cell #. Within a few days (and with some helpful tips from members here) I found his full name/age/address, pictures of him, his business, and most of his immediate family to use for exposure. You can do this!