You are not separated if you are living together.

I see two distinct problem areas and you owe it to yourself not to confuse them.

One issue is the matter of his affair and the lack of trust it has understandably created for you. MB can help you overcome that if you are willing to work on it.

The other issue is the resentment you feel about moving to a place that you did not chose and do not like. I hear you 'punishing' your H by keeping the affair issue unresolved as a justification for divorcing and leaving him with the house.

A far better tactic would be to bring this other issue out into the open. Dr Harley talks about the problems of relocation and why it is essential that these types of decisions never get made without the enthusiastic agreement of both parties.

Even if you still decide to divorce, using MB to resolve these two problem areas would make you a better person, wife and mother in the future. Resentment is poison and turns you into a victim. Not a good place to be.

Here's a good clip of Dr. Harley talking about separating vs living together for the kids.
Radio clip on living together for the kids

Frags,

It looks like its been a few days since anyone has posted a comment. I certainly don't want to highjack your thread but would like to say that I understand your situation. It's very close to the same situation I'm in right now. The beginning of my son's senior year in high school. He's worked so hard to get where he's at I sure don't want to wreck it by filing for divorce now. I feel trapped. One thing is for sure, the people on MB are *very* good people. They will help you. They may also give you some tough love along the way, but sometimes we need that. It's late in the day but I need to post my situation. It's been quit awhile since I've been on here, but when I read your thread it just hit home. We're here for you!

You're currently married, living together, and not divorced. The fact you will be divorced soon doesn't change that.

I would venture a lot of your anxiety is coming from the shared financial burden of debt and the fact your WH seems to not have any income (child support is 25% of income, so any nonresident parent can "afford" child support. Courts do not look kindly however on spouses who owe support but who are wilfully unemployed.)

Divorce will probably help that but I'm not sure how you get out of the debt (depends on laws where you live?) just because of the divorce. Have you considered telling your WH to get his own cheap apartment, maybe with a roommate, and getting a suitable job so he can support himself?

In short I have been there done it. I really am sorry to say it didn't work. If his mind is elsewhere whatever you do your up against a brick wall.

In my case even after the divorce we stayed togther for a while .As soon as moved he married his floosy and they have just had there new baby a few days ago. I can't even get upset anymore. My whole being can't take it anymore. It's just like accepting the fact your going to die and there's nothing you can do about it.

I do wish you the best.It is a very difficult time for you.

Update 10 months later:

Sept. 2012 - picked up house phone to call DD and heard a woman's voice saying, "Oh hang in there baby. I love you." and his response, "I love you too."

BOOM...

Did some digging into phone records and he had been in the affair since March - 3 months before discussion of separation.

Continued to try to live in the home because of financial reasons, but in October when he left me and DD for the weekend with no money and no car, I said that's it.

Moved out in November. Got a nice 3 BR apt and the kids moved with me. He was paying my rent so he stopped paying the mortgage.

My brother gave me money for a lawyer for Christmas. Filed for spousal/child support in January.

February - house up for short sale. Zero offers yet. Septic issues. No one in their right mind would want this house. No bank would give approval for a mortgage on it!

Filed divorce complaint in May. In my state there is a 90 day wait period and as long neither party contests, it'll be final in August.

He has no lawyer. My attorney drew up a marriage separation agreement that addressed everything. He signed without complaint. But there is next to nothing but debt. The only thing he has is his pension and retirement, of which, I am getting half. And alimony for five years.

Still struggling with anger over the lying, cheating and financial ruin. And with what my kids are going through. They are young adults and figured out the truth of the cheating. They aren't stupid.

Once my DD graduates from HS next year, we are moving back to my hometown that I had to leave because of his first affair. Cannot wait to get back to my family

So sorry Frags.

You said your kids figured it out? So did you never do an exposure of his affairs?

Hey BH,

Well they asked me the right questions and I answered honestly. Son even asked the right ones about 9 years ago...why we moved, etc.

I exposed first affair to family but not the kids because they were too young.

I did make it clear to them that I asked for separation not knowing of the OW...I did ask him several times over last summer if there was someone else to which he replied, with horror of me even asking, "OF course not!!! Why would I complicate my life like that!"

I have exposed this current affair to family and friends. Doesn't matter, he isn't hiding it anymore. His family apparently has embraced POSOW...

Now I just need to move forward and get through this divorce crap and the house issue.

Glad that you are in a better place! I too was living with my WH during the beginning of the separation for financial reasons, and it was he'll. in the end, I decided it would be better to let all that go and my finances hit rock bottom than it would be to let my kids suffer any longer...within a few weeks my WH moved 500 miles away.

How is your daughter doing? Is the depression any improved now that she knows why her homelife has been strained?

Hi Jennifer,

I know, even with the financial mess it's so much easier living apart...for both me and the kids! There was no way he was going to put the affair on hold to clean up the mess and keep his kids in his home....apparently POSOW is more important than them.!

My daughter is doing great!! Once we moved out she improved almost immediately...still on meds and in IC but she is managing life. One more year of school, then we can move back home She is excited about that.

Great to hear that getting out helped your daughter! I remind myself of the huge improvements in my kids whenever I have regrets. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

Moving forward...Divorce should be final by the end of August.

Received a cash offer on the house (short sale) Total low ball offer but the only offer on it since it went up for sale in February. Hopefully the bank will accept and I can be done with that by the end of the year!!

I am just so anxious to be done with these last pieces of my former life! After these are done, contact should be zero with posSTBXH...

My daughter's psychiatrist wrote a script for her dog to be an emotional support animal!! So we should be able to have her live with us at the apartment under the Fair Housing Act for people with disabilities. She has really suffered living without her dog and I think it will bolster her depression and calm her anxiety - esp to get her through this last year of school. Adjustments on her meds over the summer should help too.

Just hanging in there and getting through the days...

Fraggles,
haven't been on here in many a moon and just decided to take a day and see what the board is like these days.

I doubt you'll see this but sooo very sorry to learn of your situation.
Sincerely wish they all could be happy ending, but alas that is not the case.

Your a great person and don't deserve this outcome.
Wishing you success in "making it" both now and in the future.
TR