Well I truly thought I'd never be back here again.

13 years ago during the first week of December, I found out my wife was having an emotional affair. I didn't even know what an emotional affair was until I found this site and these forums. She had been spending hours each day on the phone with another man. He and his wife were friends of ours and without going into too much detail I spent the next three years trying to save my marriage to no avail. She ended up with the OM and I ended up divorced. We have two boys together so we have had contact over the years but I have made absolutely certain my new wife was involved in all contact. I have known my current wife for many many years even while I was married. About the same time as my final separation from my first wife, she found out her husband was having an affair with their babysitter who was 18 years old at the time and found out the affair went back at least 1-2 years. He was 37 at the time so that will give you an idea of the type of individual he is. Since we knew each other and I was further along in the process of surviving an affair I sort of became her support group. About a year later she actually asked me out and we became a couple. Considering what we had both been through, we vowed to do it right this time. There were some rocky times over the years mainly due to blended family issues (we have two boys each) and interference from the two ex's but we always managed to work things out and we have been happy. I bought a copy of HN/HN way way back and swore that would be my new marriage guide and I have worked hard to follow through on that. We have had a very open marriage in that we have full access to each others phones, emails, etc. and we have each other on the Find My Friends app so we always know where the other is. No secrets and nothing to hide has been our motto.

About a year ago, the babysitter finally dumped her ex-husband and her son called my wife saying he was worried about his Dad being suicidal. She got in touch with his brother and filled him in about it and asked that he handle it and that was that or so I thought. For the past six months things have not felt right to me. I have spoken to her about it and as I put it to her it felt like there was a significant divide between two separate families with her and her boys on one side and me and my boys on the other. We own a business and I run it and my oldest son who is 24 works with me. He works for less than minimum wage because we are building the business but she feels he doesn't do enough. We are in a new industry (electronic cigarettes) that is continually changing and evolving and he handles all products, promotions, social media, etc. while I focus on the finances. I simply wouldn't be able to do it without him but she doesn't see that despite me explaining it countless times. About two months ago her youngest son who is 18 decided to get a car and my wife and her ex-husband spoke on the phone about it a few times.

I have been trying to get close to her and bridge this divide for some time now but, as I put it to her, it's been like trying to hug a cactus. A couplemof times over the past few weeks I have caught remarks she has made that le3d me to believe she was in contact with her ex, she just knew things she shouldn't have. I passed it off as her knowing from her sons but it was eating at me and it happened again last Tuesday. She works Tuesday evenings so while she was working I checked her cell phone records on her providers site and got hit with a freight train. For months she has spent 40-120 minutes each day on the phone with him. Her ex-husband who destroyed her hear, who had an affair with an underage girls, who spent years trying to get back at her for being with someone else?

I confronted her and it blew up and you all know what I heard because we have heard it before - it was because I wasn't being close enough to her, it wasn't an affair since there was no sex, etc., etc., etc. How could I meet her needs when someone else was? This past year has been stressful financially starting a new business etc. and looking back I should have paid more attention but I did realize that in short order and I tried, Lord knows I tried. A few months back I bought electronic copies of HN/HN for both of us and we read them and it's almost as if she used it as a blueprint for her affair. She took some of her things on WQednesday and went to her Mom and Dad's and has been there since. I sent her an email because I felt like I was about to explode, basically saying How Could You? Betraying me in exactly the same way I had been before. The thing is it's not only the same type of betrayal, it's at the same time of year and there are about 5-6 other parallels that make it almost scary. Deja Vu does not even begin to describe it. She reached out to be by text twice and told me she is so very sorry for doing it but pretty much saying it was my own fault

So what do I do now? I can honestly say after trying to process this for the past few days, that I want this marriage to be over. The trust is broken beyond repair and I can't relive the torture I did with my ex-wife, constantly suspecting, worrying and wondering. For example I checked her location once since she left and it showed her at here parent's place but then I started wondering - maybe she left her phone there to throw me off, maybe he is there with her and her parents are in on it. I can't do that to myself no matter what the cost. I am tempted to let her parents know the full truth since I know she is lying to them. She called my sister and told her she only spoke to her ex a couple of times and it's me who has to make the changes and so on. I know she is telling her parents the same thing. I lost my father years ago and her Dad never had a son and we have become extremely close. In some ways he has become more of a father to me than my own father was but I know from experience that blood really is thicker than water and he will embrace his ex-son-in-law back into the family.

I know she will end up back with him. She is the type who requires a lot of attention and fawning and he is the sweet talking charmer (or the greasy piece of **** as normal people view those guys). She told me in a text that he has been asking her out for months but she wouldn't because she wouldn't do that to me (wasn't that kind of her?) He has now told her that he will leave her alone since he doesn't want to hurt our marriage. What a great guy huh? It boils my blood to know that she will end up with him but I can't allow my future to be determined by some stupid competition.

I am lost and despondent right now but at least I know it will pass with time. It is goingn to take some time though because we do have the business and assets that need to be divided. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Thanks for listening folks

Welcome back to MB. I'm sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.

1. What was your posting name when you were here 13 years ago?

2. Did your romantic relationship with your wife begin while she was still married?

3. You need to read about why and how you need to expose this affair to both of your children (hers and yours), both sets of parents, siblings on both sides, and close friends on both sides.

4. You wrote, "She is the type who requires a lot of attention and fawning and he is the sweet talking charmer (or the greasy piece of **** as normal people view those guys)."

What's wrong with your being that guy to your wife - the sweet-talking charmer? If that is what she requires in order to feel love for someone, why aren't you, her husband, giving that to her?

If you decide to walk away you should still expose this affair, systematically and thoroughly. Leave no doubt in other people's minds as to why your marriage ended.

However, if you have any inclination to fight the affair and give the marriage another chance, you should still expose the affair, systematically and thoroughly, and you should go into Plan A; meet any emotional needs that your wife will allow you to meet.

Hi SC,

1. I can't for the life of me remember my old posting name. It was in 2002-3. I am 90% certain you were on here then? I do remember some other names as well such as MelodyLane and 2Long (Is he still around?)

2. No. She and I were both divorced before we went down that road. I was actually reluctant at first because we initially became close as friends and a sort of mini 2 person support group but we were both divorced before our first date. I needed to do that because starting before divorces would have felt like another affair (learned that here) and I was concerned about us having the revenge affair so to speak

3. I'm familiar with the exposure but it feels as if I'm doing it out of spite. I won't lie - the thought of them together rips me apart but I also feel like I have to rise above the juvenile competition and say if she wants him then they deserve each other as hard as that might be.

4. I should have phrased that differently. He's the type who will lie through his teeth and show completely insincere charm towards women. I have always done my best to identify her needs and meet them (obviously not well enough though) but over the past few months it has been increasingly harder and I can't put on a phony show, I need to truly feel it. Not sure if even that makes sense

I am going to re-familiarize myself with the exposure concept but I know deep in my heart that I can't go through the same hell I did years ago even if she is 100% sincere. The other issue is my son. He and my wife have always had a rocky relationship and if he finds out about this it will destroy that relationship completely. Then I have to ask myself why am I worried about that? And if I am so adamant about ending it why am I here?

Well, as I pointed out, exposure is done to let people know about the affair. It is done whether or not you want to save the marriage. There is no reason for you not to do it.

Did you ever expose the affair when your first WW had her affair? The reason I ask is because exposure wasn't supported back then like it is now.

Please read this. Exposure 101

Exposure was supported back then but I don't remember it being seen as critical or in-depth as it is now. I did expose it and it did cool things down between them but didn't end it. I did learn something though - two of my biggest supporters back then were WW's sister and her husband (who was also the brother of the OM). Her sister and sisters husband basically disowned them unless they ended it, but a year after they were all best buddies. Blood really is thicker than water!

I have read the Exposure 101 and been reading advice given to others and I can see that there is no good reason not to expose it and let the chips fall where they may. I'm going to have to figure out how to word it though because I can't say that I am doing this to save my marriage when I am leaning so strongly the other way. I'm also concerned about my stepson's since that is their Mom and Dad and they may actually welcome the affair

You are asking for their support during this difficult time. That is a completely valid reason to expose. It also sets the record straight.