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What do you say when you leave the room? It is okay to complain about your pain if you can do so respectfully and without outbursts. If you can calmly say that This conversation is hurting me. I need a time out, do it. Or you could say I don't like it when you call me 'x'.
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She could also be trying to provoke a LoveBuster so she can justify her behavior. She wants you to be the bad guy. DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP.
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I don't say anything typically.. I just try to make a graceful exit... I may take a deep breath, or just look sad for a minute.
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Do you think you can complain without lovebusting?
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Most women will find a straight walk-out (no segue) upsetting. They feel they are getting the silent treatment as a power play. If you can tell her you need a break from the conversation, it may help. But it is better to say nothing and walk than to lovebust.
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Most women will find a straight walk-out (no segue) upsetting. They feel they are getting the silent treatment as a power play. If you can tell her you need a break from the conversation, it may help. But it is better to say nothing and walk than to lovebust. Yes, sometimes I make up an excuse, sometimes I say that I am hurt and just need a minute... but she does get angry if I am upset for any reason. It seems like she can say things very hurtful, but she is unaware that she is doing it... so if I get a little upset she gets offended because I should have no reason to be upset. She really seems to have no comprehension of how hurtful she can be. I have become much better at not taking it personally... but sometimes it just takes 5 seconds or up to 5 minutes to get over being hurt.
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Then I have to suspect she wants to provoke a lovebuster. She needs you to be the bad guy otherwise; she is destroying her family for nothing.
Was she withdrawn before the affair? Dr. Harley says the way out of withdrawal is conflict. THis may also be a factor. Your plan A could be getting through.
It is too early to tell.
Keep reminding yourself this is for a season. Either your wife will return or you will sever all contact with the alien wayward. (Many people describe living with a wayward spouse is like living with an alien.)
Last edited by apples123; 12/07/15 09:07 PM.
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It really seemed that she was returning to conflict... but, if she is back in the conflict stage, why does she want divorce? If she really wants divorce... she would just be in withdrawal, I would think. Part of me is thinking she isn't really set on this divorce, but does want to provoke me so she can be more certain about it.
One thing is that I do think is that I have replaced angry outbursts with passive -aggressive SOME of the time. I really DON'T like passive agrees I've and I don't mean to be... but if I'm really being honest, I would say that I slip into that mode sometimes when I get really bothered by something. Once I catch myself, I stop it.
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What do you mean by passive-aggressive? What particular actions?
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What do you mean by passive-aggressive? What particular actions? Hmmm... I might say something like... "I can see I'm not making you happy right now, so I'm going to go do something else for a little while".. usually it involves me giving myself a little time out. If whatever I'm doing is wrong, if I knew exactly what I should do when I feel attacked, hurt, etc.. I could probably do that instead.. I just don't know what TO do. I definitely don't yell, name call, throw things, punch the wall etc... nothing like that. Usually, the time out works for me.. about 5 minutes... but it makes her mad. A few weeks ago, I was really attacked bad so I just asked one of my son's to go out for a bite to eat. We had some good father-son 1 on 1 time... but my wife said that it was a major tantrum because I went out without inviting her.
Last edited by typicalman; 12/08/15 05:45 AM.
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You should never tell her what she feels.
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I know it's not right for me to have AOs so I stopped a long time ago, but Dr Harley was right in that we were both doing it... Her AO's..especially today really do sound like an insane person.. lots of yelling, pushing, feeling like a physical attack is about to happen... I'm not excusing anything I've done, but there is a history of that.. and she projects her behavior on me quite a bit.
She tells me her AO'S are OK because she is Irish and her mom did it... but it's not OK for me.
Last edited by typicalman; 12/08/15 06:21 AM.
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You should never tell her what she feels. Ok..but I'm still looking for the alternative. I have heard on this board and in books that I should validate her feelings... which is what I am really trying to do with that... but excuse myself so I can go heal myself.
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This article describes our past well. In all our discussions you can see, the problem of trying to make her happy leaves me very frustrated.
Last edited by typicalman; 12/08/15 06:56 AM.
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Look, this is really helpful... with the small love bank deposits I'm making, I can't afford to lose any through love busters and I'm finding out about love busters I didn't even know I was making... and she wants me to make them so she will try to provoke me at every turn. This is hard. I can't change things that happened 1 year ago or 10 years ago..only today.
I fell in love with my wife because she allowed me to have emotions.. I could be stressed, sad, mad, whatever, and she would say "it's ok, let me help you relax"..
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Telling her what she feels isnt validating. Validating is more like "I'm hearing that you are upset with because of x, am I understanding correctly?"
Also, the standard MB statement is validating."I'm sorry for the mistakes of the past and am willing to change to build a romantic, exclusive marriage which makes us both happy."
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Also, Indiegirl gave you some great tips a few pages ago for dealing with a wayward spouse. You should re-read that.
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Telling her what she feels isnt validating. Validating is more like "I'm hearing that you are upset with because of x, am I understanding correctly?"
Also, the standard MB statement is validating."I'm sorry for the mistakes of the past and am willing to change to build a romantic, exclusive marriage which makes us both happy." Ok... I need to be asking the question. Got it. I can do that.
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If your wife says she feels hurt, then your reaction is punishing her, which is a lovebuster. Any very moody reaction will hurt a spouse.
It's tricky with a lovebusting wayward not to lovebust back. You need a great poker face. The best tip I can give you is to never really listen or absorb wayward speak. Just half listen and tap in when required.
It's fine to say something hurts you if you can do it without emotional overtones.
ADs help.
Respond to the complaint about not inviting her somewhere. Go out and buy her a treat instead while you cool off.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Awesome... thanks. Next time I need to cool off, I'll just go buy her flowers instead.
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