I discovered a month ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past couple of years with someone he was mentoring. We have been working on things, and for the most part our marriage is getting stronger. I found out by accident when looking for a file of mine on his computer. I found texts and images that now I cannot get out of my head. I have questions about their times together, but we agree that it doesn't move us forward if I am filled in on all the details. There were times that I found items in his truck that I knew were not mine, or our daughters. He always insisted they did belong to one of the girls. Fast forward, and now I have images of them being together in the truck, of being intimate, etc. I want to get rid of the truck. He has agreed to not see the OW or have any communication with her. Am I asking too much by wanting to get rid of the vehicle?

No, and keeping momentos of the affair partner is not good either.

Hit notify and ask the mods to move you to surviving an affair forum. You are not to recovery yet.

Have you read any of the Marriage Builders articles on dealing with infidelity?

Link broke

For the Newly Betrayed

Link fixed

Thanks apples123. We are going through the infidelity section together. I'll ask to be moved!!

Apples, that link didn't work.

sosad, welcome to Marriage Builders, we are happy that you found this forum, but we are sorry for your pain.

Here is the link that (I think) apples was sharing with you. Have a read here and then come back and tell us a bit more (how long married, how old children, how your husband met the other woman).

How to survive infidelity

We have been married for 6 years. Our four kids are all in high school. (His and mine from previous marriage).

We went through a rocky time where we quit speaking. That was normally how he handled things. We'd have an argument, and he'd not speak to me for a day then things would be ok. However, this time, I decided I could play the game too, and we ended up not talking for three months. Stupid, I know. It was during this time that he began mentoring a much younger woman. Needless to say, she was more than willing to provide what I did not. I discovered something was going on, but he denied that it was with her, made up a name and told me it was over. He did call things off with her for several months, and although we were talking, we were more like room mates. This past spring, things started up with them again.

When I discovered the truth, i was completely devastated, and i intended to kick him out. I prayed, asked for strength and clarity, and God did not disappoint. My husband is very remorseful, and immediately ended things. No communication with her. He said he had tried on other occasions, but was always convinced by her it was ok...I'd never find out.

I want to be rid of anything associated with her. I deleted all of the things on his computer that had to do with her, and then i told him about getting rid of the truck. It's only a couple years old, but I don't care.

I believe we will be ok, stronger than ever even. But today has been hard. I don't know why. I keep seeing those images that I never should have seen...I suppose there will be good days and bad.

How did he meet her? Is he at the same job? How far away is this woman? Do you have transparency?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

sosad, how long were you divorced, and how long was your husband divorced, before you met each other?

With Marriage Builders, instead of dealing with problems by silent treatments, you both will learn to solve your problems in a caring way that will actually MAKE love bank deposits.

Do you want to know more details about the affair? Dr. Harley would recommend that you make a list of questions, set a time for them to be answered by your husband in one fell swoop, and then never bring up the affair again.

Your husband needs to hand write a letter to the affair partner, you read and approve of it before it goes into the envelope, and then you mail it personally (so that you know that it has been sent). There are templates for that letter on this site. If someone else could post that here, I'd appreciate it as I am not finding it quickly.

Sample no contact letters are in the Notable Posts forum.

Is the OW married?

Who have you exposed to?

When we met, he was divorced for 2 years, and I for three. He met OW through a job. Although they are both in the same line of work, they are not in the same physical location. It started as a friendship and then she began confiding personal information to him. Kind of the shoulder to cry on... There were times that they would be in the same location, although not often, and that's when things became physical. As he stated, it was out of convenience.

Although I am devastated by what has happened. I understand why it happened. He and I were in a place where we were not making any love deposits for the other, and she came along, paid attention, made him feel important, and the friendship took a turn. He admits that he should have never allowed the friendship in the first place. So, that said, I take responsibility for the affair happening as well. All three of us are to blame.

Now, we are both being very open. He has stopped guarding his phone and I am checking the logs regularly on line to ensure no communication is being made. We are both accounting for our time apart. Unfortunately, travel requirements still exist for both of us, but he has made arrangements to ensure they are not in the same circles.

I told him that he could write to her and I would approve it, or he could call her with me present and the conversation on speaker. He decided the best thing to do is to leave it alone. He did have a brief conversation the night I found out where he told her i found out and it was over, but they never had any other conversations where they would have discussed it further. That call as well was with me present, and on speaker.

Her numbers have been blocked, and he has removed her from his social media as well.

One thing to also note. I did call her recently. Through the conversations with my husband, I learned that OW is not only not a Christian, but a non-believer. This really bothered me. I knew her prior to the affair, and had some preconceived ideas about her, and did not care for her because of this. Having this happen, and knowing that I had hope, but perhaps she did not, made me feel badly for her. We had a conversation where I just asked her to listen to me and she agreed. I told her that what she did was wrong, and I let her know that it was HIS decision to stay with me. And that since we made the decision, I would like for her to stay away from my family. I told her that although a piece of me wants her to feel the pain she inflicted, helped to inflict on me, I really wish a good life for her. She is young, and pretty, and has her whole life in front of her. I told her that I knew she was not a believer, but that I was, and that there is nothing that my GOD cannot work out. I told her that I am praying for her, and that I have asked my friends to pray for her as well.

She apologized for her part, and said she would stay away.

I don't know if that is necessarily a normal thing a cheated on spouse would do, and I am not terribly religious, but for me, it felt right. There is a part of me that feels really bad for her, and I think that being a nonbeliever contributed to her willingness to get involved with a married man.

Hubby and I are going through all of the documentation on the site together, and it really is helping us to communicate better and work through this. I definitely feel we are on the right path.

I do want details, but he feels that would cause me more pain. I tend to agree, but feel it is my decision. He then told me that he is really embarrassed that I saw some of the things I saw. I am trying to get over my desire to know the details, because as we are moving forward, I do not want to embarrass him further.

Hi sosad, The goal is to make no love bank withdrawals and constantly keep the love bank full...but through extraordinary precautions we learn to protect and put our marriage first above all else, so that if one spouse say became ill and could not meet the other's emotional needs, the marriage is still protected.

We become so beautifully interdependent that there is no possible way for one to have a secret second life of any form. And THAT is where Dr. Harley's recommendation to never spend the night apart comes in.

As I'm sure that you suspect, you are absolutely going to change your travel requirements. Many couples choose to travel together if they wish to remain in the same line of work.

When my husband had to be hospitalized last year, I stayed with him. When he had to do some recent stint of third shift, I switched my schedule and went to bed with him and awoke with him (and worked during the dark while he was at work). When I have to go out of town for work, he goes with me.

He doesn't get to decide whether you hear the details. You do. And if YOU need to hear the details, him coming clean about it all is a condition for your being willing to stay married.

Your husband made the choice to hurt you when he bonked this woman, and owning that choice through honesty will help him. YOU are not embarrassing him, he embarrassed himself by doing in the dark what he would not want his WIFE to know about in the light. It's good that he is embarrassed. Now he needs to make a timeline for you and answer all of your questions.

Please do not let him talk you into burying this so that you can "move forward". YES after you know the entire truth about your life, THEN you move forward. If there are things that you still want to know, then please ask for details now. Many of us also made a polygraph a condition for staying married.

Does your husband have a phone at work that he could use to contact her? Could he borrow a friend's phone to contact her? Do you have access to his work email? Do you have passwords for every credit card, bank account, phone account, etc?

Many of us purchased a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hid it in their vehicle. Just to be certain that the wayward is not using a throw-away phone to stay in contact.

Affairs are addictions, and your husband had a relationship with this woman. He may have the very best intentions to stay away from her, but addictions tug at emotions rather than logic. He needs to have extraordinary precautions in place, and YOU need to verify that he is not having contact.

Welcome and so sorry that you are here.

I would present the checklist to him and get that nailed down. I think he is sincere in choosing you and recovery, but if he can have OW too he will. I'm afraid there are some very fishy signs which make me suspect this affair stands a good chance of restarting (which they almost always do without the checklist - they are addictions) if not an outright plan to continue unabated.

He is deeply remorseful I believe. But he has probably been remorseful at many points during the A and unable to quit the addiction alone.

So saddening to hear you are planning to recover alone without exposure, because you won't.



Dr Harley once thought so too. He was devastated to discover most people having affairs shared his Christian beliefs and actually, people who believed their morals or self control would keep them safe away from home/in opposite sex friendships, simply put themselves more at risk of affairs. Anyone who accepts love bank deposits elsewhere will have an affair, Christian or no. How else do you explain your husband?

It sounds like you are not planning to do exposure, in which case your husband will be enabled and trapped in this addiction and any marriage recovery attempt completely futile. It also sends the message he is irredeemable and unable to face the music or make amends publicly. Is he?

For one thing your children absolutely can't be lied to about this and told what they've witnessed for some time is nothing unusual. It actually creates affairs in a child's future when affair habits are covered up and normalized. Rather, you could both show them what a real commitment looks like. Recovery is brave and nothing to be ashamed of.

OWs reaction is hugely telling. Most OW are shameless and a scorned, single one with nothing to lose is completely psychotic and unreasonable. If she listened meekly to a lecture on her beliefs and apologized to you, I guarantee you it's business as usual with the affair and she is laughing down her sleeve at you. I know of one RL OW who tracked down the WH who had moved away to be with his wife. She out a note on his car and the A restarted. I used to think that a crazy story but then I came here and saw how common it was - that's its the only outcome when exposure and EPs are not used.

Praying for this young woman is nice, but exposure would get her more effective help with avoiding a scuzzy lifestyle. Not that she is your business, aside from the fact it would effectively and completely run her off and so protect your family.


It would be nice if you were interested in doing marriage builders, but there are too many gaps to allow it. Dr H says a single missed step is disastrous and I've seen that play out predictably on these boards. So far your plan is to change nothing but add very limited transparency, talk about how you want to stay married (which he always did anyway), keep the affair a secret enabling it to continue, live apart, enable contact with OW and pray for OW.

How do you see that going?

Do you see how valuable his embarrassment is? If only he had felt that embarrassed about his deeds AT THE TIME. This is why exposure is such a wonderful dose of clarity to people in the fog of a deep addiction.

It's also one of the reasons why travel and living apart is such a risk, even to a man who loves his wife. If it can't be seen by the clear eyes of the loved one - it isn't embarrassing!

Men tend to compartmentalize their worlds in these lifestyles and as long as the worlds don't collide or he is seen, it's fine (women travellers have affairs too of course but they give their whole heart to the OM instead of compartmentalizing.)

"There were times that they would be in the same location, although not often, and that's when things became physical. As he stated, it was out of convenience."

So sad, I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. There are a lot of red flags here so I will start with the above comment. Do they still work together? Is there any chance they will ever run into each other again? If so, that has to be addressed and prevented.

The other red flags would be:

1. Spending the nights apart - that is an invitation for an affair
2. Social media and contacts should be deleted/changed so the OW cannot contact him
3. Exposure is the most critical first step in recovery
4. He must give you all the details about his affair
5. Another important factor is sending the OW a no contact letter - we have a template

These are all basic first steps towards recovery if you are interested in saving your marriage. People who skip these steps usually don't make it.

Could you please answer these?