First post! I've read this website (and others) inside/out beginning months ago. Lengthy backstory that I won't go into unless more information is requested in order to answer my question. Short version - after a change of career, moving homes, and an extremely stressful new job, my DH said over the summer he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I have found out he has confided in another friend (Divorcee) and he claimed she was his best friend. They spent hours texting - he swears and I believe it was never physical or romantic. they both went through the stress at work and relied on each other to get through it.

We both let the marriage fall to the way side - in survival mode from all the stress, we didn't rely on each other. The damage that caused I know is GREAT. I pray everyday it's reparable. I jumped off the crazy train that day in July and I've tried to change my bad behavior of not being the kind of wife I started out being. I've soul searched, I've read books - you name it. He hasn't. He says he's still so mired in muck at work he can't see through it to put anything else into perspective. Our marriage is not his top priority. He goes back and forth - some times he wants to be married to me and have it work out... other times I can sense he's pulling away and my nature is to "pull him back" Hense the pursuer/avoider scenario.

I've read a ton of articles and books ALL of them state to back off, work on me, be positive and not pressure. That's all well and good - but at what point do we actually WORK on the marriage? We have unresolved issues that we both hold resentments for. I'm trying to work through mine, I don't think he is doing the same work.

I WANT to fill his love bank and not make withdrawals. I know every time I bring up something I see that needs repair, it's a huge withdrawal. Because we don't have much time and on his part initiative or desire, our balance is totally out of whack. He doesn't try to fill my love bank - but he doesn't make active withdrawals either... it's more like a slow leak because it's never filled - it just eaks out what was left over... I know I have made deposits into his love bank but I know I have made HUGE withdrawals that negate those deposits. I also fear that while the time he has spent texting his "friend" from work has drastically decreased, I still worry that she puts more positive in his life than do I - how do I compete with that?

How do I/we fix what is wrong if we don't actually talk about it... and if by talking about what's wrong is depleting our love banks - how do we repair and heal the resentments and truly heal our marriage? I don't get it. I want so much to fix this - and I want him to want the same but I know I push him further away whenever I try to talk about a specific issue. He is not in a place to do any self work at all and I feel like whenever I bring up an issue he internalizes it as another thing he has failed at or is not working and looks at it as yet another reason he'd be better off alone - his words.

I feel like we put a band-aid on our marriage. But if we don't heal the wounds, that band-aid will get ripped off at the next life trial and who knows if we will survive that.

How do we bring up and resolve issues without depleting love banks? That's the crux of my dilema right now... I feel all these issues just hanging... waiting to rear their ugly heads!

Thank you for any reply/thoughts/advice you can offer.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but this was an affair. It was at least an emotional affair, and very likely physical.

Does he still work with her?

Read over this checklist, and let us know what has been done and what is left to do.

I do believe it was an emotional affair and talked to him about that. He didn't think so until I gave the basic definition of "anytime someone gives more to another person than they are their spouse - FOR any reason" THAT IS an emotional affair. He was affected by that, I could see it... I am trying not to be naive and I still have questions that I want answered but again, I don't want to keep pushing because how is that making deposits? it's not... they are HUGE withdrawals. They do work together - he is her boss in fact. His #1 character trait that he holds most valuable is integrity. I do not believe he would jeapordize his own reputation by having a physical affair - especially with a subordinate. His reputation is his most valuable asset in his opinion. But again... I know there was time and confiding given to her that he didn't give to me - to be fair, I left our marriage in sorts as well... I jumped ship from being on a team with him to being on a team with my kids. Not quite the same thing I know but the emotional abandonment went both ways for sure. He has NOT had the contact with her that he had before our summer descent. His phone is on the charger in the kitchen the whole evening and he now comes to bed every night which in the spring months was NOT happening. His weekends are spent with us and his efforts to come home at a reasonable hour and unplug from work are very apparent. I do believe there was an overstepping of boundaries, but I also believe it's being put back in it's appropriate place.

for the sake of my question on this forum, let's say the EA is no longer an issue. I do believe there are things that need to be dealt with... how do we deal with those issues when we are trying to make our UA fun and lighthearted in order to fill the love bank... and what point does intentional effort to heal the marriage take place and how does that happen without withdrawal?

Every day he sees her revives the feelings of the affair. He need a to leave that job or you will never recover your marriage. The affair is alive, which is why y'all haven't made any progress.

But it is still an issue because they still work together.

Step 1 is going through the above checklist.

The road to recovery is a very narrow one, and if any deviation is made disaster will happen. You must first deal with the affair and put up proper extraordinary precautions before you can move on to meeting emotional needs and recovering.

Can you tell us what has been done on the list?

What if for the sake of driving we just said seatbelts are no longer an issue?

This marriage plan works when follows, but step one is for you to become so close to him and integrated to him that he could not be having an affair without your knowledge - the plan doesn't work without that. That's for all marriages, not just those who've had an affair. Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce follow this, and they have never had an affair, but they have a wonderful marriage.

He must never see or talk to this woman again, or the plan here will not work.

It's like saying I have cancer but let's pretend I don't and fix this hangnail.

This is a 100% full blown affair. I don't have a single doubt in my mind.

There will be no hope for your marriage until there is NC with this OW.

PS - you should ask to have this thread moved to SAA.

I believe you when you say your husband is a man of integrity...so was my FWH and his reputation was very important to him also.


But you have to look at your husband's "ACTIONS." Your husband DID jeopardize his career and reputation when he made the choice to start investing in a relationship with his subordinate. He was able to rationalize and minimize his behaviour to make himself feel justified. He has proven to you that he can put his integrity aside when it comes to this OW. He has also proven that he is willing and capable of deceiving you by keeping it a secret.


Does it make sense to you that your husband of 19 yrs just doesn't want to be married anymore? Do you really believe that he is considering leaving his home and family to be ALONE?



He waffles back and forth because the affair is still on. He is her boss. They see each other everyday. I can guarantee you that OW is still pursuing your husband everyday at work. They have just gotten better at hiding it from you.

Until one of them leaves that job and NC is established, you will be signing up for a death of a thousand cuts. I'm sorry trying2015. I know that you don't want to hear that. We have all been there.

If we were ignoring/ignorant of the affair, Dr H would tell you to leave him. A wife is in a poor position to woo a reluctant and neglectful husband. Men do better at that. You are probably not perfect, but you are ready to get to work. Your husband isn't which would mean it's only a matter of time before you would lose all love for him due to his lack of interest.

The good news is it's not that. It's an affair, which can be fixed and tackled.

Sadly and disturbingly for you in terms of pain though, it's an avowed emotional affair (exchanges of feelings and declarations of love) and it is most certainly physical.




Proof here. He probably also told you he loved you but wasn't in love with you. Oh, and people don't devastate their children, move out to be alone without at least trying SOMETHING.


Please snoop harder and better. It's alive and well and flourishing. His complaints about you will get ever vaguer (hence the no talking!) because he wants to air drop shattering news of his intent with no leave or interestin your fixing it. Because you can't solve an external cause.

If you were bugging him or witholding something from him - you bet he'd talk.

For now, mouth closed and eyes open.