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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
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Joined: Dec 2015
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Hi,

I am a 35 year old male in a relationship which is currently experiencing quite significant stress and I would please like some help with.

I recognise that I have a tendency to make AO's, also that is a tendency of my partner. I occasionally invoke DJ's but that is not something I do that frequently. Usually I get angry and raise my voice in response to her DJ's and resentful comments from her, which seem sometimes to fall off her tongue at the slightest annoyance. Or alternatively I will calmly raise something with her and it will be met with either DJ's or avoidance. I find this frustrating and it often leads to anger on my part. It feels like sometimes it is impossible to constructively discuss anything. I am a very giving partner although lately I have felt like I over-committed to our relationship too early, and now as a result my 'Taker' has been rearing its ugly head and demanding to 'right the imbalance'. I love this woman and want to make things work, and in fact want to marry her - with the proviso that we find a way to eliminate DJ's, AO's, implement the POJA, etc. My feelings for her are stronger than I have ever felt for anyone ever before and when we are in a good phase, we really get along incredibly well. I find her incredibly attractive at those times. I realise that anger contributed to the demise of my marriage and if this isn't sorted then it will never work this time either. Complicating matters are that we are living together, we have 2 children each from our previous marriages, she has suffered serious trauma in her past (in itself a real source of anger and suffering which rears it's head in our relationship), and temporary separation is really not an option. She has made it clear if we separate then that we will be over, and also she relies upon me for financial support. So I believe that will be the outcome if we do.

An anecdote from today, we are currently in a state of conflict.

She is at work, I am at home. After reflecting upon recent events, and wanting to take full responsibility for 'cleaning my side of the street', I let her know via message that I am sorry for my anger lately, and can see how that is contributing to problems between us. I commit fully to doing everything it takes to fix that. She sees that and also says that she has to do better. So far so good. I tell her I love her. I then head out and do quite a few errands for her, thinking of her needs. I arrive back and she has come home from lunch. I let her know what I have done for her. I give her the keys to my vehicle to drive for the afternoon. Despite all of that, just before leaving she takes a swipe at me with a resentful comment. I feel frustrated and slightly hurt as I had been making a real concerted effort, so I walk into the other room and sit down without saying anything, so I can make sure I stay calm, understanding that frustration leads to anger. She follows me in, asks why I am sitting there, I calmly say that I was frustrated at her DJ, and she has an AO at me before storming off out of the house to go back to work. My actions were very controlled and calm, and I was left feeling disheartened at my efforts not seemingly counting for anything.

Do you guys think that it will be possible to make this work? Or are there too many obstacles?

Joined: Oct 2005
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Aiming, welcome to MB! This is a great place to learn to overcome AOs, whether you will be able to make this relationship work or not. The reason for recommending separation for a year is to protect the relationship from slips. Also, it's not recommended here to live together before marriage, it sets you up for a Renter relationship that fosters escalating AOs. You two are not married yet and not set up to show one another the care two Buyers would give one another.

What outside help are you getting for your AOs?

Is that good for your relationship, for her to rely on you for financial support? It's kind of a dependent relationship. How can she be independent, so you can know she is with you because you make her happy, not just that you can provide financially.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Jun 2011
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You're going to find poja impossible while living together, unmarried, with children.

You're interviewing for marriage under the same roof, which automatically creates a stressful abusive situation - without kids.

Blended families have a high divorce rate and so do prior cohabitees. Move out and do it right

PoJA dates and eliminate LBs before you try to do bigger poja tasks. You can't poja a live in life together without the commitment of marriage

Have you read Dr H article on cohabitation?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2001
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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 12/10/15 07:41 PM. Reason: TOS non MB material - please familiarize yourself with MB before posting to others

Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15

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