Do you want MelodyLane and the rest of us to warn you if we think we see a problem and think you are making a mistake, or would you prefer that we just keep it to ourselves?

Tamak, we need you to see the big picture from OUR perspective, not yours. The big picture for you is 13 years of spinning your wheels. You can continue on that path or you can start listening. Getting angry when people tell you what you don't want to hear only hurts you. It doesn't hurt us.

Tamak,

If I could just interject a little point.

When my wife first started posting here and getting on board with doing MB, she was upset and calling this place crazy and a cult too. This was back in 2005 when lots of the wicca posters were still here too. However, I presume you were for many years the willing MB spouse and your husband the more resistant MB spouse and for your spouse to even ask the question "what do these people expect from me" is progress in itself. He is engaging in the process of change and at least hoping to meet a standard versus just doing whatever he wants and avoiding the issue.

I also found value in making MB the bad guy and my wife and I bonded a bit together against "them". My wife appreciated me defending her a bit even though I felt the things they were telling her were spot on. Specifically i remember her telling Pepperband (I think) that there is more than one way to skin a cat. So in your discussing disparaging MB posters maybe you can also us the opportunity to ask him (or yourselves) - "what if they are right?" and "what if we are missing an huge opportunity not only for us but to model to our children how important marriage is"

I believe that Yes, your husband should quit his job pretty much immediately and come home and find work ASAP. I believe that in doing so he'd be making a HUGE love bank deposit in your very much depleted love bank by taking a HUGE action demonstrating just how much he values his marriage and family over his job. I FEEL he'd someday look back on such action as one of the biggest best decisions he ever made in his life. That house, boat, car payments be darned he'd be willing to lose it all and throw it away for his family and even if you tell him not to because it's just not pragmatic, the romantic in him decides to throw caution into the wind and lead your family/marriage by doing it anyway versus continuing to put his job first. You've got to admit that most women would love foolish romantic gestures - well, after this many years of enduring his traveling job imagine if he gave it up just for you.

That being said, I understand practicalities and fears enough to know that's just really hard to do. I think I'd have a really hard time doing it myself even know I can see clearly it's the right and "manly" thing to do (to put your wife and family before everything else). I comprehend emotionally that fear dictates delay and compromise - but there is still room to lead on this and come together towards a solution versus simply resisting the mean judgmental posters at MB. Set a deadline....find a way to make a new job happen much faster - spend time finding solutions versus resisting, rationalizing and justifying delay. It doesn't appear you are debating the why, just the how and when. Now is how. Get it done.

Godspeed.

All we are looking for is forward progress. There is more that can be now. Yes, the whole lifestyle change will take a 1-6 months to fully implement. But one phone call and a brief job search strikes as a placating measure, not a determined effort. Y'all need to work on the to-do list to make living in the same place possible.

Efforts he could make today would include updating his resume, looking at a budget for a different type of work, calling recruiters or researching companies. Have you discussed how many resumes he should be sending out, alternative living locations, etc?

And all of this needs an expiration date. You need to negotiate the date by which you will both be living and working in the same area or one of you quit work and moves.

What did you think of possibly moving to his location?

PS everything comes across harsh in text. This forum has changed in recent years. It is to help people implement Dr. Harley's plan. If you aren't actively working the plan, the thread gets locked.

Mr. Tarnak (I haven't read your posts so I have no idea what your posting name is)

Notice your wife is thrilled you are putting in an effort. That you two are communicating better and she isn't so angry anymore (except maybe at us a little bit).

These are love bank deposits you are making. You posting and reading here and engaging in this PROCESS of changing your thinking and changing your actions with relation to her she describes as "THRILLING".

When is the last time you "THRILLED" your wife?

Imagine a life where she is THRILLED with you all time. Your company doesn't love you. You help the company make profits and as soon as they see a way to make profits without you or find a way to fill your job in with a robot or put a younger worker into your slot they will let you out to pasture. Your wife and family will never do that to you if you invest in them. Invest in the sure thing.

Notice also what your wife is most fearful of here when expressing her anger towards the other MB posters - she's mostly scared that she made all this effort to finally get you to engage in MB and that because you are uncomfortable and upset that'll you'll just leave and stop the process of engaging altogether.

Sure we can be a bit tough and abrasive. Sure it's easy to say "quit your job" versus actually doing it. But, if you were my face to face friend I'd be trying to hold you accountable and asking you "if not now, when?". I can understand you needing to be smart about this but how about a deadline. What are some other options you can consider? Maybe get something part time going in the background so that even if you can't find something full time you can still pay bills and put food on the table and have something to focus on come some January, February, whatever deadline date you make to quit. Is there something else you always wanted to do? Is there somewhere else you both ever wanted to live? Make these decisions with Tarnak. You have the opportunity to turn all the resentment she has for being alone in your marriage for so long around by demonstrating it wasn't a waste of her life waiting for you to "come home".

You probably have resentments too. Her anger and resentment probably made being home for you not the most pleasant place to be. You probably hoped for more too. That guilty feeling of relief when you set out another extended work trip and just wishing you could have that feeling of peace at home. I really don't know what your resentments are but as you focus on your family and take specific actions towards them your feelings of love, care and peace will follow your actions. Your investment of actions into her and them will eventually pay dividends as well. They will first feel compelled to take some acitons too, in good faith and invest in you and surely thereafter their feelings of love and respect for you will follow. If there is a disturbance in the peace it will no longer be so easy to just blame you, your disconnect and your constant absence and other persons will need to look at their behavior as well. We want to help you build a relationship going forward versus rehashing and trying to figure out everything that was going wrong before.

It won't be easy. Your wife is likely set in her ways too and your marriage has been in withdrawal for years. As Dr. Harley has written in some articles the path to intimacy from withdrawal is THROUGH conflict so it wouldn't surprise me if you two came to each believe this might have been the biggest mistake of your lives. There will be conflict. Being in withdrawal was, at times, so much easier. But there is no joy in withdrawal. An unhappy relationship isn't fun to be in and is displeasing to God. God doesn't want us in withdrawal from Him nor our wives/husband, but Satan sure likes it and Satan is likely to pull out all the stops to try to keep you there. THAT is why the path we recommend is narrow. When you step off the path guess who is happily there to steer you even further away from each other, whispering in your ear that he has a better plan that'll work just fine and how foolish all these posters, rules and recommendations are. MB pretty much just recommends doing the behaviors that couples that are happy and in love with each other for 50 years or more have always done organically. It's a path to a happier way of life. You won't regret it.

I pray for a hedge of thorns around you, Tarnak and your entire family as you engage in this battle to restore the love in your marriage and save your family.

Godspeed.

I would just like to say that I am not resistant to following the MB program. In fact, for the first time in 13 years, I am committed to actually following it, instead of picking and choosing what to follow and what to ignore. I'm not ignoring the advice I'm given. I guess it seems to some that I am. But I'm really not. When I said we agreed to table talking about his finding a new job, it didn't mean it isn't a priority. He told me last night, he looks every day, even though I don't ask him if he is looking every day. That shows me he is looking because he wants to, not because I am demanding it. That makes deposits for me. I believe my trusting him to keep looking without asking every day, makes deposits for him.

I do realize his job is the top priority for us. So does he. But it is not the only priority. Learning to avoid love busters and meeting each other's ENs are also a priority.

We are working on eliminating love busters right now. I am happy with the progress in that area we are making. Its discouraging that I feel I've basically been told that progress means nothing since he hasn't found another job, yet. YET. I just wish the fact that I can say, yet, would be recognized for the accomplishment it is. There was never a chance for a 'yet' before.

Mr. Wondering,

Thank you. I hope my husband will read your post. I found it helpful and encouraging, without judgment and critcism. I hope he will, too.

MelodyLane, apples123, and markos,

I am willing to move if that is what it takes. I am hopeful my H will read the suggestions given on other options regarding looking for a different type of job and we can discuss possibilities.

I would also like to point out that for the first time in 13 years, my H is on board with the MB program. We have made more progress in the last few weeks than in all the previous years, because we both are committed to working the program.

I think it's such a shame that you have been here on and off for 13 years, and during that time you have not been whipped into following the programme. Neither the posters here, not Steve Harley, ever before frog-marched you into tackling the single most important issue that has blighted your marriage, which is your husband's working away from home. They have been nice and kind to you, and wished you well, while not forcing you to see the glaring, intractable problem that your H's work creates.

Had you gone directly to him, Dr Harley would never have allowed this situation to exist. I know enough about him, from my being in the online programme - which allows me to read his responses to posters on the private forum - and from listening to the radio show, and from his occasional posts here on the public forum when posters are in crisis, to know that he never deviates from his advice and he never makes allowances for the fact that posters or their spouses are 'trying". He is utterly uncompromising in his advice that the programme must be followed without deviation, or disaster is the likely result.

You came here, at the beginning of this thread, on the verge of disaster, and it was only our realisation that you had never been frogmarched into doing MB that caused any degree of change in your situation. It was only the current board's policy of not coddling posters, but waking them up by shaking them, that made you tackle the issue of the job change with the vigour that you have just recently.

It would be a terrible shame if you took offence at being told to do this properly for the sake of you and your marriage, and walked away. The only person getting hurt by that action would be you. You've been wasting your time for 13 years, and we're trying to stop you doing it for one second longer. Why abandon this board now, when for the first time ever, you have been given the tools to rescue your marriage ?

Yes, and what brought that about?

Being bich-slapped by us, that's what!

I decided to do just that and emailed the radio show to find out if we are on the right track. I just got off the phone with Joyce. Dr. Harley will address our situation Friday. Joyce suggested I bow out of the forum for the time being.

Wonderful!

I think that is a great idea! And I agree that you should bow out. We are all volunteers and don't have the time or energy to deal with someone who gets hot headed and combative when she is told something she doesn't want to hear. We have our own families, marriages and careers!

good luck!

Dr. Harley said we are on the right track! I am so happy and relieved to know we are headed in the right direction

That is great! So what is the plan to get your husband home 100% of the time? I heard Dr Harley say to NOT take that off that table.

Oh wow! I am listening to the radio show and you said he is now "looking for a different job every day." Great news!

I've been brainstorming some out of the box ideas while he was at work. He came home today and we are getting ready to go to Houston to see my Patriots play the Texans But we plan to sit down next week and brainstorm together.


Yes he did and we're not, however I would like to point out that Dr. Harley also said he was amazed at how connected I feel to my H, even though he's been gone. Also, I can't remember if it was before the show or during, but he also said it could take time because of the job situation in our area for my H to find another job where he can be home every night.

While we are going to keep it on the front burner and continue to try to come up with a better solution as soon as possible, we have to be patient and work the program the best we can in the mean time. Which we are both on board with doing

Sounds great!! I was in Houston all this week and just flew home last night, btw. Weather is great there.

Yes he is! And he told me night before last that he is ready to be home every day!!!

Woohoo!