This is my first post as well, and can relate to your situation. I too have read lots of books, searching for ideas/solutions and came across this forum which provides a wealth of knowledge.

We've been married for 17 yrs and as much as I've tried to make deposits to her love bank, she does not try to deposit anything in my bank. I've told her on more than one occasion that sexual fulfillment and recreational activity are important, however, she does not seem to care. As long as I'm spending money on vacations, casino's, dinner, things are great until we get home. At that point its like I'm a complete stranger with regard to intimacy. She wants to hold hands in public, puts on a great couple routine around her family/friends, complains if I don't hug her at night or kiss her goodbye, however, will not even entertain a conversation regarding intimacy or our lack of it.

I've done this drill for the past 5 to 8 years and frankly have gotten tired. I'll do whatever it requires to make my marriage work, however, enough is enough. Focused on remaining calm when we talk as she seems to think I'm angry because I bring up certain topics. Also remaining courteous as not to complicate matters. I've always put self last and because of her actions, I'm starting to think I'd be better off divorced which means, I come FIRST. As such, I've been in contact with the bank in regards to selling our house. She doesn't want to leave and complained that she couldn't afford the house if I left. I'm really at the point to pulling the trigger on letting the house go into loss mitigation so I can rid myself of her because it's really affecting me emotionally.

Getting rid of the house has gotten her attention, but she's well aware that I'll take a significant financial loss in letting the house go. Right now my happiness is more important than the house. Joined the forum in hopes that someone may be able to relate and provide "sound" advise on approaches you've used to get you through a similar ordeal.

Thank you,
EAG

Hi Eddie, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is pretty obvious what has happened in your marriage, your wife has checked out. Women need two things to desire sex with a man: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. She is not emotionally attached to you anymore. In order to remain "in love" a couple has to spend at least 15 hours per week meeting each other's intimate emotional needs. I doubt you all have done that, resulting in her being checked out.

It takes 15 hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment to MAINTAIN romantic love.

What will turn this around is her falling in love with you again. Threatening to sell the house will not cause her to fall in love with you. Surely you don't want her to make love to you at the point of a gun? That won't be sustainable because she will only develop a sexual aversion if she has not already.

If you want her to desire you again, I would take her out on 4-5 dates every week; focus on being pleasant, attractive, while avoiding demands, disrespect, and anger.

Check this out: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

You simply can't tell someone that SF is important and expect them to hop to it. SF is a response to many hours spent bonding.

And a situation has been created where dates will be unappealing.

You do sound like an angry person as you lecture more about what you want than you tempt. Punishment doesn't work. Wooing does.

This is a good sign! Women are the first to fall out of love and she wouldn't desire her need for affection met if she was really really far gone.

She wants the need met in public so it can be done safely without pressure for sex. If you meet the needs consistently it will lead to it

Thanks for your comments as well as MelodyLane.

Not angry but frustrated with the ups and down because it's lasted so long, but see how one may see this as angry jestures or demands. Ive been working on my behavior since reading and listening to MB and I've made some progress. Again, appreciate the remarks....they do help.

EAG

Going out on frequent dates and focusing on the top 4 intimate emotional needs will make the greatest impact in the fastest time.

Eddie is it fair to say you don't have 4x4 hour dates a week?

You mention quite costly dates, which is what people do when they go out about once a month. They try to compensate for lack of time with money.

Unfortunately your wife will barely get a taste of bonding in such a short time scale. However if you have a PA need and she's all dressed up, you will get a lot of bonding done! If you're expecting intamacy for spending money that won't go well at all.

Take her out for coffee, a walk, breakfast and a bike ride. Keep going for weeks without making sexual demands, and prime the pump. Most importantly, if she approaches you sexually in order to keep the house, do NOT let her prostitute herself. You do not want a situation where you are trying to cure an aversion.

Have you seen this?
Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

We've started going out more often, however, have only discussed the 4 intimate EN on the surface. The W sees these discussions as confrontational, so I'm being patient. We're making some small strides which is much better than it was.

EAG

Yes, its fair to say we don't have 4x4 hours dates a week. Both work quite a few hours and we spend the weekends trying to catch up. However, I've asked that we set aside at least an hour when we get home to discuss issues or talk in general. So far all is well unless we have a tough topic.

The dates are vacations or events out of the local area in which I spend quite a bit. Never had a problem spending big to make her happy so it's something I created. During the week we get home around 7 and depart at 5am, so the weekdays don't allow much time.

We bond very well during events, and I'm not expecting SF, however, on occasion the W is very intimate while on these dates, but as soon as we get home, she shuts completely down. I've asked to discuss so we can come to a resolution, but the conversation is extremely short. As you mentioned....don't want a situation where I'm trying to cure an aversion, but sometimes this gets a little puzzling. I'm mindful not to bring this subject up, but at some point we should be able to discuss the harder topics.

Regarding the comment about coffee, walk....the W is very selective in where we go and what we do. There is usually an excuse of why we can't go or shouldn't go, unless its one of those events I discussed earlier (i.e. gambling; shopping). I've been trying to change the routine and will continue to woo the W, which usually means I submit to her requests.

EAG

Thank you....very insightful

In order for you to effectively restore the romantic love to your marriage, you need to avoid these serious "talks," get out of the house and go out on dates on a consistent basis. Consistency and VOLUME is the key. UA time spent at home is basically worthless because of interruptions. Home is a place where you do chores, hobbies, etc, so it is not a good place to try and have a date.

I would do something about making time during the week for your dates. Dates need to be out of house in 2 to 4 hour blocks. If you get home at 5-6pm several times a week, you could go out on dates.


Being at home is probably not a pleasant place for her so you will want to get out as much as possible. If you are consistent, she will be much more willing to have SF after your dates.

Dont' discuss it, DO IT. Go out on dates and meet her needs for affection, conversation, focusing on being as pleasant and attractive as possible.

Back again with a more complex issue. I�ve always believed in giving my W space, but after reading about exposure 101 and learning that there should not be any privacy, began my investigation.

Anyway, always suspected there was something, but left it alone for years because I couldn�t prove anything. After retrieving my ATT bill noticed calls everyday to her phone. Asked the W about the calls and said, yes she is talking to someone everyday, but it doesn�t mean anything. Mentioned to her that it would be difficult for us to move forward unless this person is removed from the equation so we could began our healing process. Told her that I�d deal with infidelity but everything needed to come out now. Also asked if she were in love and if the answer was yes, I�d be the bigger man and help her transition to be with him so they didn�t have to hide the affair, but she needed to move soon so I could start my healing process (deflected and said I�ve talked to women in the past�never had an affair). The second question was if she wanted to work on our marriage she needed to say so and in addition, provide me the OMs number so I could discuss a few issues. Quickly said no and that he�d probably tell me everything and then she deflected to a completely different conversation. My intent was just to have a heart to heart conversation and tell him I�m not standing in the way of their relationship if they were planning for a future, but if my W wanted to be with me, I was asking as a man�.to turn off his involvement so we could repair our marriage. (Expression�s go a long way�thought I was joking or crazy)

My W is very angry, said I�ve shut her out for years and now she needs time to figure out if she wants to work on the marriage or not. I�ve tried talking but always get the �can�t talk to me or she doesn�t have the time� and this frustrates her. I�ve asked to see a mediator, and recommended several options to help us rebuild or figure out if, and how we should separate, which she�s denying any assistance. In the midst of all this------she�s content with staying in our current home because I pay all the bills. Actually believes I�m a big enough IDIOT to refinance which would give her more time to figure out a way forward. She thinks it�s okay to have secret accounts, continue this relationship/talks with the OM. Denied giving me account passwords and has actually asked if I we could see other people and remain in the same house (absolutely not).

What brings me to the post is that the house is the GLUE or problem. Have absolutely no intent on leaving, but have initiated discussions about selling the house so we can figure out the next step. This seems to be the only way to get her attention. I�ve made a stance that she has to make a choice or I�m selling because she won�t leave on her own accord, even though she says she has the resources and I�ve offered to help. Have made suggestions that we keep the house as an investment and split the difference upon selling at a future date, but I�d remain in the residence paying everything as normal so she could move-on. Agreed in principal but now that I�m in talks with the lawyer and bank, has every excuse imaginable to not talk about this. The DR. said never to demand anything, but am I wrong for pressing this issue. Just tired of hanging on a branch!
I kinda feel like a complete fool for even agreeing to remain in the marriage, but I really love this woman. However, nothing works to generate discussion until I talk about selling the property. Actually have realtors coming out Saturday.

Sorry about the long email�.Didn�t think talking about my problems in an email would help, but it really does.

Thanks
EAG
M: 17 yrs, no Kids

Oh boy. I wish you would have done this first because we wasted alot of time addressing the wrong problem on this thread. Better late than never.

I can't tell if you want to save your marriage or throw in the towel. You seem to be very willing to accommodate the OM. You are making up plans as you go. Do you have experience in saving a marriage from infidelity? Did you want help or not?

How long do you think the affair has been going on? What do you know about this guy?

If you "really love this woman", are you willing to try and save her from the grave mistake of ending her marriage for an affair partner who, by definition (since he is willing to mess up her life) does not want the best for her, and will not stick by her 'til death?

Are you willing to fight for the marriage, for yourself?

You seem more willing to fight for the house than the marriage.

Would like to save the married, however, she is unwilling to discuss anything or go seek professional help. She told me I was not in her past or present but wants to live together. I've asked that we bring everything to the table and come up with a solution....still unwilling. Even mentioned that we should discuss retirement/house....in which I'm willing to keep, but she doesn't want to discuss anything positive about our marriage. Keeps bringing up negative issues and is insistent that she maintains her relationships outside the marriage.

Not throwing in the towel, but she deserves to be happy. If that's without me, I have to be a man an accept the facts and would like to she her have an easy transaction without any hatred.

EAG

Think it's been happening for a few years (off-on) by a mutual friend who I haven't spoken to in a while, but I've ignored the signs. Progressively has gotten worse, so I've been asking if we could go to counseling in an attempt to bring things back into perspective. I've made it very clear that my intent is for us to remain married, but she has to start working with me on a plan to bring us back together.

Tried to introduce her to the videos, email, ideas, posted throughout the message board and she won't even look at anything. Said she's bitter right now and needs time, but doesn't want to talk to me. Wants to leave things the way they are and just move forward with is an unhealthy lifestyle for both.



EAG

Good luck! If you decide you want to save your marriage, let us know and we can help you using the Marriage Builders steps. See, most of us have saved our marriages after infidelity. Surrendering your marriage to the OM will not save it.


This is the typical refrain of a family member who does not care enough to try to help a spouse/child who is engaging in self-destructive behavior. Your complacent approach reflects a lack of caring. Your wife will never be happy in her affair. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years. In those that don't, the adulterer always claims it was the biggest mistake of her life.