Hi guys,

I have a question which I am wondering if you can all help with.

MB advocates complete transparency in a marriage, with no 'right to privacy'. How far does this go? Is there a limit to it?

I have a successful business, which I have established over a decade. When I marry, should I be expected to share all intricate details of this? If the relationship was to fail, giving up this information could allow a disgruntled ex-spouse to cause some serious damage.

My partner has some serious trauma in her past that she is receiving counselling for. Does she have a right to privacy over the details they discuss in the counselling sessions?

My point is I accept that transparency is a desirable thing, but where do the boundaries lie? Or are there absolutely no boundaries at all?

If you want to have a good marriage, practice radical honesty with your spouse. It's as simple as that.

As for the hazards of a disgruntled ex-spouse, I would advocate having a good marriage so that your spouse is not disgruntled. Marriage Builders teaches how to do that. When I got married I was terrified of the possibility of divorce. Now I see it as a virtual impossibility so I am not scared of it at all - my wife is almost certain to never want to divorce me, because we have such a good marriage.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders"?

Let's say I am getting anger management therapy (I actually did this). There are a lot of approaches to anger management. Some work; some don't. My wife is affected by the issue, so doesn't she have a right to weigh in on what approach should be used and doesn't she have a right to now what approach is being used so she can decide if there's any chance it's going to work or not?

My ex spouse committed financial infidelity during the marriage by hiding funds from me and manipulating me into supporting us more than he did by hiding funds.

When we were married I allowed him to have his secrecy, which meant we grew apart as Dr H predicts. (I use secrecy as privacy is more of a word for the bathroom. You know whats going on in there, you just don't look. When you don't know what's going on, the word is secrecy).

However when we get divorced there was no place to hide and all the secrets came out. Divorce lawyers aren't as trusting, and nor was I after discovering his (physical) infidelity. A full financial background check was unavoidable for him.

Basically secrecy in Marriage practically guarantees divorce. And trying to keep those secrets from a divorce lawyer is like a transvestite trying to fool a gynacologist.

If you marry your goods become hers, and vice versa. I don't see how you can keep what's hers from her! If you lose your business, or health, she will not kick you out as a roommate would for non rent. It's marriage, not a business partner ship.

Odd that you call her you a partner....

As for her counselling, Dr H would advocate she give you radical honesty about that.

How long have you been with your partner? Any children? When do you plan to be married?

Have you seen this? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I've been thinking about your point some more as predictions of problems are sensible precautions and no matter how wonderful you can only marry a flawed, subject to life's problems human being.

Dr H would say RH is suspended in dangerous or abusive situations. Infidelity, abuse, anger etc. He would be unlikely to advise a battered woman to do RH and he would tell any abused or neglected spouse to save up for a separation if necessary.

These are measures for a marriage's end though, not a beginning. For new spouses, Dr H is more likely to counsel absolute scrutiny and ensuring she can be trusted with RH through her voluntary transparency. And yours.