Hi Everyone,

I'm new to the forum and am hoping to be able to get some much needed help.

Here it goes...

My ex-husband and I have been together for 7 years. We were only married for 14 months however. I'm 25 and he is 32. We were trying to have a baby for about 8 months and I was having difficulties getting pregnant, which put a lot of strain on the marriage. I was feeling very vulnerable and started questioning why God wouldn't give us a child, and eventually started to think that maybe we weren't supposed to be together. My XH and I worked together. At work, I was getting pursued by an older guy that was my bosses boss. He was very flirty and eventually we started talking on the phone. This turned into him telling me how beautiful I was and bad mouthing my husband, saying that he didn't love me and that he only looked at me as his property. I'm not blaming this other man for my decisions, but it does have a part in what was going on with me back then. I ended up moving out, and within a month by husband and I filed for divorce together, although he didn't want one. He wanted me to come back home, but he also wanted to know the truth, which I couldn't bare to tell him. So, I took a new job and moved away for 6 months and was actively trying to pursue a relationship with the other man. Looking back on all of this... I have NO idea why I did what I did.. It doesn't even seem real, almost like a nightmare and I don't even know who that person is.. But, in the mean while, my ex husband and I were sleeping together and still seeing each other on the weekends, and he was pressuring me into trying again, I kept declining as I felt so trapped by the other man. This lasted for 7 months and then my ex said he didn't want to get back together anymore. I of coarse freaked out, and then was trying to get him back over the coarse of 8 months now. We have still been sleeping together, I completely cut the other man out of my life once my ex didn't want anything to do with me. I have been going to counseling and going to church, and recently started to walk with God. I have apologized, begged, cried, and pleaded and he still wont take me back.. He wont talk to me anymore, he hasn't in the last week. Its been 2 weeks since we have slept together and I'm just so down and out. He says he still loves me, and wants to work it out whenever he is around me, but cant trust and knows it not right to work it out.. His family and friends also want us apart due to what I have done.. Bottom line, I have changed. I regret everything I did, and am a good person who made a terrible decision that destroyed my husbands world and mine as well. I want him back so bad, but I don't know what else to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Does he know everything about your affair? Is the OM married and, of so, does his wife know?

Frankly, I think it is in your husbands best interest to leave the marriage. It is a short marriage with no children. What has "changed" exactly that would protect him from another affair?

Are you fully divorced now? For how long?

And you have no kids, and you are not pregnant?

He does know everything about the affair, although he didn't ask any questions, he's a bit an emotional stuffer. The OM is married, he was separated at the time. & Yes, his wife does know. After I ended things with him, they began to work on their marriage, I'm thankful for that. What has changed is that I was 23 when I made this mistake and have been with my ex for 7 years. I know what I did was wrong, but firmly believe that unless you are indeed the remorseful cheating spouse, that you don't really get what happens to a person when they destroy the person that they love. So, I want to save my marriage. For better or for worse right?

We have been divorced since Nov 2014. We have just stopped "seeing each other" a week ago. I'm not pregnant and we were unable to conceive.

How do you know the OM's BW knows? Did you talk to her?

How did your XH find out about your affair?

Yes, I did talk to her. He was filed for a divorce and I couldn't live with myself for all of the pain it was causing everyone, including myself. I became extremely mentally unstable due to all of the pain I have cause.

He found out because I moved out, and he went through the phone records. He asked me about the number and I told him.

What is the reason he says he doesn't want to be with you anymore?

Does he still work where you work?

Do you and your husband still work together?

He said it's because he can't trust me. Although, for the first 7 months after all of this happened, he wasn't having issues with trusting me. But it seems the more time that has went on, he just gets more angry.

No, OM lives in FL now. & No, we also don't work together anymore. I took a different job opportunity when all of this happened a little over a year ago.

Kai, remorse and regret have never protected a marriage from an affair. Most cheaters have great remorse; it does nothing. What is effective is changing the way you relate to the opposite sex and making your life so transparent that you can't cheat. Your XH would be crazy to consider taking you back unless you had made some dramatic changes in your poor boundaries around men. The reason you had the affair is because you allowed another man to meet your needs.

"For better or worse" applies to unavoidable hard times, it doesn't apply to abusive, destructive behavior. What you did to your husband is horrific so I would strongly recommend losing the entitlement attitude.

Dr Bill Harley: "The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse�s lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does.

I�m in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and ot her factors outside a couple�s control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I�m opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices.

It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement�that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love."

I'm not acting entitled. But, I asked for advice on how to show my XH that I have changed, versus all of the things I have already tried to do. Everything that I have read on here that you should want your WW to do, I have already been doing. I have taken full accountability for my actions, and I have been going in the right direction. My entitlement is towards him not judging me for the one thing I have done wrong, instead to judge me based on all that I have done right over the last 7 years. It sounds to me that your harsh judgment on me (a person you don't even know) is stemming from somewhere else inside you, perhaps lack of forgiveness or lack of empathy. 7 years of fidelity versus 4 months of not.. People make mistakes. Just because you sin differently, doesn't mean you don't sin, and in the end they are all judged the same.

No. You did not make A mistake. You decided to cheat and cake eat over AND over again. You only I want he back now that he is ending it for good -which is really healthy for him. AND yeah A SINGLE INFIDELITY wipes out all of the previous trust.

Did you read this ?

Melody,

People make mistakes, God says we should forgive each other the way he has forgiven us. You keep bringing up abuse.. There wasn't any abuse going on in our relationship. I agree with what the Doctor says. Do you think people long long ago didn't suffer infidelity? They have, but they didn't get divorced over it. A LOT of older married couples I have spoken with have dealt with the same issues, marriage is supposed to be for LIFE. No matter what. I'm not saying stay with someone who continuously cheats on you or beats you, but you should stay with by your partners side if they have made a mistake that is so far out of their character. People fall, you don't just give up. You work through it.

Remorse and regret don't protect a marriage. What have you changed to eliminate the OM and any future OM from your life?

Infidelity is abuse.
And you aren't married to this man. If you want to bring the Bible out, it says he has every right to end the marriage because you broke your vow.

Forgiveness is not appropriate here.Just compensation is.

Have you read the articles here on how to survive infidelity?