I don't have a lot of time to post right now. The short answer is that you must first, ensure that your H knows that there is no contact between you and your affair partner. If you haven't written the recommended NC letter and asked your H to check and send it, do so now.

Then, you must follow all Dr H's recommendations for transparency (even though you are not married and not living together - offer this to your H).

Then, you must continue to offer a romantic, integrated, affair-proofed marriage. You can best do this by asking your H out on dates, and working on what Dr Harley calls your time for Undivided Attention (UA time).

Finally, drop the marriage counselling (or is it individual counselling? Drop whatever it is) and book a telephone appointment with Dr Harley's son, Steven Harley, at the MB coaching service. Ask him to help get your H on board with MB coaching, and an MB marriage. You are wasting your time pouring our heart out in traditional counselling sessions - you need an MB coach.

Apples,

Since you seem to know me and my situation OH so well. Let me clear this up for you. I have been trying to get him back for 8 months now. That means sleeping with him whenever he wants too, taking whatever crumbs he will throw at me, while he goes out and does whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. I have went to counseling and have been doing the work. People like you sitting on your righteous horse, throwing stones when you live in a glass house should be very careful of what situation and life lessons that you might be brought to one day.

Thank you! Finally someone with some actual advice. I haven't had any contact with OM in 5 months, and I sent my H the email that the OM sent to me, with my response telling him to never speak to me again. I haven't even seen the OM in forever. I have been giving my H whatever he wants for the past 8 months, I have been basically is door mat because I felt I deserved it. Every time I ask him on a date, he pulls back because he's scared I'll hurt him again.

You are the one asking for help. Stop the silly warnings. I have a happy safe marriage. I'm trying to help you do the same.

I would never have encouraged you to sleep with him without a commitment. It creates terrible habits for both of you.

I think your best shot is to lay it on the line. Tell him you found a program of material recovery designed to make you both happy while making affairs impossible. Then ask him on a date.

I have laid it out on the line MANY times. He says no, hes not ready right now, he likes the single life. But maybe at some point.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends

Then HE is not a safe prospect for YOU. If he is unwilling to commit to the marriage, it would be best for you to move on, don't allow him to freeload because you feel guilty. Have you considered writing Dr. Harley for advice?

I would link some articles for you, but my phone is having issues. They are in the Articles and Q&A columns tabs above.

Dr. Harley does not recommend that a wife try to win her husband back for eight months! That will take a massive toll on you. The last time I emailed him on the subject, the answer he gave me was "3 weeks." Of course that might need to be adjusted up or down based on the situation. You might want to email him yourself and describe your situation and see what he says.

You might also want to listen to this radio show broadcast where Dr. Harley addresses a wife who was unfaithful and is waiting for her husband to decide if he wants to keep the marriage or not:

August 8, 2013
August 8, 2013
August 8, 2013

I know we've covered this on two recent threads:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2871089#Post2871089
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2868223#Post2868223

Wow, why would you attack people here who are trying to help you? They have already been through so much. This is not a place where we cause each other pain. If you don't want to hear what someone has to say, simply click "ignore" and you'll never see their posts again. I'll warn you though that when most of us got here, the things we didn't want to hear were the things we most needed to hear! If you feel someone is attacking you, instead of fighting back, you can notify the moderators and ask them to keep everybody in line.

God says people can get a divorce when they have been betrayed by infidelity. He doesn't say they have to forgive and remain married.

He also doesn't say they can keep stringing them along freeloading for months or years while they decide!

Dr. Harley's marriage recovery plan (which works) does not recommend that you spend months trying to win your husband back - and he recommends that you never do anything that makes you feel like a door mat! You can offer your husband a chance to reconcile your marriage, but you need to protect yourself while he decides.

You need to stop being his door mat. You are making the situation worse for yourself by doing that. What you need to offer him is the prospect of an MB marriage, not the opportunity for him to use you and discard you. STOP doing whatever he wants.

Having sex with him meets a major emotional need for him, and thus deposits love bank units. However, if he is determined to shut down to you in every other way, you will experience a lot of hurt by trying to win him back with sex. Also, you are not married to him any more. He is basically freeloading from you - taking all he can get without having any intention of commitment. Stop having sex with him. Don't withdraw as a kind of blackmail, but put sex where it belongs - in a committed, loving marriage. You do not have one, yet.

You did not address my point about MB coaching.

Finally, I have to tell you that I do not appreciate compliments to my posts being used to slap other posters. We all have something to offer you, as long as we offer you MB advice - which everyone on this thread has done. Don't alienate people who are trying to help you.

In a recovered marriage, husband and wife are not punished for past mistakes. The recovered marriage is good for both husband and wife, regardless of what they have done in the past. It's what the marriage should have been all along.

^^that's the best part about MB - it in no way promotes punishing ones spouse.

Kai - my feelings are in no way hurt. I am not a verbose poster because I am generally posting on a smart phone walking between meetings. I go straight to my point.

You are hurting, we get it. It started because of your own poor behavior and continued because your guilt made you think you should take whatever kicks in the gut your XH wanted to give. We will never advocate for you to be punished. We will tell you frankly to change your behavior.

The good news is you have bad habits. Those can change. Read the articles, especially on cohabitation, surviving an affair and freeloaders. There is a lot of great information here.

That's YOUR opinion. Sorry but you don't get to tell us what our impressions of you should be.

On its face, wanting a spouse (or ex spouse) to judge you on what YOU want and not what THEY want (ie all seven years - not just your A) is not only entitlement but a HUGE lovebuster (DJ) if you talk to him like this. I can tell you right now if my ex H said something like that to me it would not be pretty.


I would suggest YOU are the one who has harsh judgement problem. You do not know MelodyLane at all. I happen to know that one of her dearest friends is a FWW - MrsWondering as well as other FWS posters we have had over the years.

I think I can see where some of the issue of your ex not wanting to speak to you is stemming from. You have a MAJOR attitude problem when it comes to discussing your A.

Wow, why would you attack people here who are trying to help you? They have already been through so much. This is not a place where we cause each other pain. If you don't want to hear what someone has to say, simply click "ignore" and you'll never see their posts again. I'll warn you though that when most of us got here, the things we didn't want to hear were the things we most needed to hear! If you feel someone is attacking you, instead of fighting back, you can notify the moderators and ask them to keep everybody in line. [/quot


I wasn't trying to attack anyone. I just didn't like that it was said he wouldn't crazy to take me back unless I have changed, which with all that I've been through in this past year, I have changed. When you loss everything, it changes you. My emotions are obviously high and I'm not trying to cause anyone else pain, I'm just sick of hearing the same old song of you're wrong, he shouldn't take you back. It's getting tiresome. Like I said, I came here for advice, not to get beat up even more. I've already done enough of that myself.

Okay, but nobody said you haven't changed. Wouldn't you agree that after infidelity, the betrayed spouse would be crazy to take the unfaithful spouse back if they haven't changed? There's no reason to have a fight over it.

One thing that you still need to change is to learn not to lecture people about how God says to forgive. That would be very hurtful to your husband if he were to hear it. Continuing to make statements like that is a hurtful thing that still needs to change (i.e., not happen any more).

This is an example of lecturing people, telling them what to believe. If you ever do this to your husband it's a marriage killer right there. And even when you do it to other people it's very disrespectful of them and unpleasant to them - several of the people posting to you are in a recovered marriage that has recovered after infidelity and if you would like our help it would be best not to lecture anybody! MelodyLane is the best poster we have on this site. Listen to her and let her teach you instead of trying to teach her. You'll love the results. I mean really, really, REALLY love the results. She wants to help you, but she doesn't want you to lecture her.

And he doesn't ever discuss my affair, he doesn't like to talk about it.