ksmith, let me know when you listen to that radio show link I posted and/or when you email Dr. Harley. I don't have the time to watch you fight with all the posters on the board. The people here can really help you, so treat them nice, okay?

This is an example of lecturing people, telling them what to believe. If you ever do this to your husband it's a marriage killer right there. And even when you do it to other people it's very disrespectful of them and unpleasant to them - several of the people posting to you are in a recovered marriage that has recovered after infidelity and if you would like our help it would be best not to lecture anybody! MelodyLane is the best poster we have on this site. Listen to her and let her teach you instead of trying to teach her. You'll love the results. I mean really, really, REALLY love the results. She wants to help you, but she doesn't want you to lecture her. [/quot


Perhaps I was taking it the wrong way. I'm not trying to lecture anyone I'm really not. Like I said, its just very hard to feel like I'm getting beat up about it. I've worked very hard to try and forgive myself, and to not let my past define me as who I am now, and when I feel like I'm being judged by what I did back then, it hurts me. I do want the help, but I dont want to get beat up along the way. I can't handle that sort of thing right now.

I used to lecture my wife all the time. It was one of the worst problems in our marriage (at least until she started an affair on Facebook). I didn't know I was doing it, either. Most people don't.


Just click ignore if you don't want to hear something. It's easy. Don't fight back. That's the key. Don't try to defend yourself. Don't try to control what people say or think about you. Don't try to control people.


Please get past this and get back to reading the posts about what you need to do for your situation. You are totally missing the forest for the trees here. What people think about you doesn't mean anything and it is a waste of time and space to argue about it. Instead, read all the helpful advice you have been given, make a to do list, and start working down the items on the list.


It is easy to just click ignore. Please do it instead of wasting so much time talking about it.

Let me know when you've clicked those radio show links.

Let me start over here for all of the people I have offended. I'm sorry. I do appreciate the insight and help. Like I said, emotions are running high over here and that's creating my poor behavior that I didn't even realize I was spewing. I wasn't meaning any harm by it. Any constructive advice is greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Thank you for the responses. They are greatly appreciated.

are they the radio show links at the end of each of your posts?

Go back through and make a to do list. You will find lots of great suggestions.

Later on, you might benefit from reading what Dr. Newton Hightower says about his game of "psychological ping pong": http://tinyurl.com/pzuu4o2

No, please go back and re-read the whole thread. I mentioned a specific show from a specific date, with links, that I think would be helpful to you. I think you missed the post - I had some other comments as well.

kaissmith, get two copies of Dr Harley's Surviving An Affair book. One for you and the other for your BH.

Ask him to read the book for it shows how to repair the damage that was done.

Did you reread the thread yet? Start writing the todo list, yet?

TheRoad makes a great point - do you own the book Surviving an Affair?

Any time you tell someone what they think, or should think, or feel, or should feel, or what they should do, then you are lecturing. This is devastating in marriage.

You say you've changed this year, but Hon, you've got a long ways to go. That's not a bad thing, it just means you're not all the way there yet and you've still got some things to learn. Don't fight back against the people who are helping you down that path.

This is from a FWW, 5 years out from the affair. Nobody is beating you up. They are showing you what needs to be done if your marriage has any hope at all. And they are taking the time to show you because they care. Telling you what needs to be done, and how your thinking needs to change, is not judging you. It may be painful, but growth is painful.

You're not being told anything different than any other former wayward has who wants to save their marriage. So if you want to save it, listen up.

Work harder on creating a lifestyle where an affair would be impossible. It doesn't matter if you ever forgive yourself. I never have -- who am I to pardon my own sins against God and against my husband. What an entitled way to think.

Yet, I have a very happy marriage today, fully recovered. If you would like the same, you need to start focusing on what really matters -- it won't initially feel as good as "forgiving" yourself today, but it's what really matters if you ever want to truly recover and be truly happy in the long run.

Do you know if he is seeing someone else?

Has he ever said what he needs from you?

Yeah, I read the both of the threads you posted on that responses. But, every time I click the radio ones they won't play? Also, how do I get in contact with Dr. Harley? Thank you so much for all of your help.

Thank you. I do agree. I have a long way to go and haven't noticed the issues that were pointed out today, so I'm happy that they were, I guess I just don't really know where to go from here. How to go about things?

Also, what should my list look like?

He's told me that he's not seeing anyone else, but I wouldn't think he would tell me anyways. However, I do know that he is one tinder, so he is actively searching. I have asked him what he needs from me, and he says that he can't see into the future to know for sure I wouldn't leave him again, so there isn't anything I can do.

I would try a different approach. I would go to him with a love letter in hand that shows a plan of action for affair-proofing your marriage and creating a romantic, passionate marriage. The affair proofing plan would include the checklist from Surviving an Affair along with your commitment to not have opposite sex friendships. [that is how affairs start]

The next thing you would show him would be your plan to create a romantic, passionate marriage. You will want to create a marriage that was much better than what you had before. Basic Concepts

If you have lectured him about forgiveness, I would apologize for doing that. Waywards are not entitled to forgiveness and it is beyond hypocritical to lecture him. He knows you weren't slinging bible verses when you had the affair, after all. Dr Harley recommends NOT affording forgiveness in these situations. Most betrayed spouses would RUN if they were lectured in a similar way. So, if you have done that, I would apologize and tell him you will give him JUST COMPENSATION instead.

And most of all: stop having sex with him. It is destructive to your relationship.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.