I'd like to save the marriage, but how do I get her turned in a different direction. Read your blog on Exposure 101 and she displays the signs..not all. I'm on the blog because this is above my experience level.

Counseling won't save your marriage. Asking her to "work on a plan" at this time won't save your marriage. She is checked out and is high on an affair.


The problem is that you don't understand what you are dealing with and as such, are making critical, strategic mistakes. For example, if she were a falling down drunk, would you take her to "counseling?" Would you introduce a falling down drunk to " videos, email, ideas, posted throughout the message board?"

Your wife is in the FOG and has the same mentality as a falling down drunk. She is confused and high on the addiction of her affair. So trying to reason with her will never work. And going to a counselor will be disaster, because a) marriage counselors are not experienced or educated in infidelity and b) are usually nothing more than divorce facilitators.

You can't solve a problem if you don't understand the problem. My suggestion would be to put aside your own foggy ideas and LEARN about infidelity. Go download the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and read it as fast as you can.

We can help you, but not unless you get yourself out of the way.

If you want help, then you need to start snooping and find out what they are talking about. Can you spy on her and get copies of her conversations? Can you install a recorder close to where she might be talking to him?

If you have read Exposure 101 thread as you say that you have, then you know full well confronting your spouse is not the way to handle issues related to infidelity. Cherry picking advice (snoop - but then ignore the rest of it and try to talk your wayward spouse out of their affair) doesn't work.

Are you going continue to follow Plan Eddie (that hasn't been working out at all)? Or are you actually going to implement the advice given here?

Over the years I have seen MANY beytrayed spouses choose your route - skip over the uncomfortable parts of the program, try to reason with their wayward spouse, sweep affair under the rug and move on the "cozy" needs-meeting part of the program. It doesn't work! Ever!

Point well taken. This is uncomfortable and she got pretty intense when I questioned the behavior.

So what are your next steps?

That's fine because she doesn't have to discuss anything or get professional help in order to save the marriage.

Listen closely to MelodyLane and SugarCane because they can teach you how to save your marriage from this problem, if you want to learn.

Save your breath telling them what your wife won't do. You don't know what needs to be done - you need to learn it from them.

Downloading the book to read tonight and I'll regroup based on guidance.

Thanks all

Is the OM married?

We are here to give you that guidance TODAY. You don't need to read the book first. We know what is in the book. The purpose of reading the book is so you can understand the dynamics of an affair. The forum can help you establish a plan of attack to save your marriage.

Not sure of the OM status. He was on marriage 3 the last time we spoke..1999/2000

I would quietly start snooping on your wife to find out what they are discussing. You can also investigate the OM. Does he have a facebook page? You need to find out everything you can, including, name, address, marital status, employer, etc.

Are you saying that OM is a mutual friend? In what way? Whose friend was he first, and what was the connection? (An old schoolfriend, for example.)

You know who he is, so you must be able to find out a lot about him. Look up his social media. Does he live near you? Does your wife ever meet him in person?

We all met in 1989 about the same time, but my friend first. Did some snooping as MelodyLane/SugarCane suggested. Just found out that he may be incarcerated or working in the facility, so no contact with my W. Haven't found anything on social networks but he has a relative that worked local and will try to find him to get additional info.

EAG

Use a reverse look up to see whose number she is calling.

They call her from a card which scrambles the number. I've got the pin to the calling card and to her voice mail...she has no idea. Been checking, but nothing yet.

I am confused, Eddie. You said above there had been no contact and here you indicate they have been in contact.

Put a keylogger program on it.

Was this answered?

However you didn't need the book when you went against the advice in the Exposure 101 thread and confronted your WW and tried to "talk" her out of her affair?

Do you realize how this looks, Eddie? Again avoiding the uncomfortable stuff you don't want to do. (Look at my last post.)

This is very salvageable but you're going to have to start getting serious if you want to turn this around.