Hi forum members,
Background: Married for 12 years, 2 kids, 10 and 2, both boys. Wife and me both 40 y.o.
Wife had an emotional affair (no sex, just kisses and stuff) with my best friend and godfather to our marriage. The affair occurred only once (with several dates and lots of texting over the internet).
The thing lasted for about a month (4 months ago), and was ended by my ex-friend now since he realized that my wife was getting head-over-heels and he was just having a good time. During (and prior) her affair she was obsessed with buying new clothes and her look and spent all her income on that.

I discovered the affair after multiple red flags and confronted my ex-friend to confess which he did with all the details 1,5 month ago. That same day he confessed to his wife and they are divorcing since he had several affairs in the past and present besides my wife which he all confessed but does not regret (they were having a technical marriage which was about to last for 3 more years before was over by him). All ideas adopted by my wife for our marriage future.

Wife had been extremely cold with me during the affair and after she was dumped she moved out of the house. Since her erratic behavior (sleeplessness, irrational moods, not able to speak to anyone questioning her decision to leave perfectly happy home) could not be otherwise explained (prior affair exposure) psychiatrist advised philological disorder to which everyone bought it.

Wife�s whole (bigger) family were shocked (where traditional values are valued) and wanted to reconcile with me (I have their support). My wife spent a month at her parents recovering and eventually returned home. Her father had brain stroke from the situation and some blame me for the stroke since I told him how things were going and he was eager his daughter to reconcile. She did not look after the kids, her parents did for the first few days and then i took them home.

I confronted wife's bigger family to the affair and after few days when she returned home I did the same with her. Prior confrontation she was planning to live with me for about 1-2 years before being able to divorce permanently. After several confrontations she says she is willing to give the marriage a try to which we were improving our relationship with ups and downs almost every week (past 5 weeks). Since the confrontation I was threatening with divorce if she is not willing to reconcile. We had bad time trying her to unlock her phone so that I could access it (nothing strange, probably did ended contact with the lover). She did not provide the code and I cannot access it without a fight again.

I�m seeing a counselor but she is not willing to do.
Every attempt I make to discuss how to proceed rebuilding our marriage she ends it without further discussion and accusing me that we are too much focused on ourselves and neglecting our children. I cannot seem to open any subject regarding how we should try to go through this and build successful marriage, she says it should come spontaneously to which I�m hearing her initial thoughts we will give it a try but don�t force me and we will see how it goes (when pressed she will say that she just some days off and that she will get back to the kids and me or the process of rebuilding). This has not changed from her initial conversation (in the beginning of her affair) that we will live together but we will see if we find ourselves together again. After few fine days today she says I�m to controllable and pressuring her for conversation (she met somebody today in the afternoon, maybe her sister or even the lover) since she is again going back to the initial conversation at the time of the affair regarding my pressure or trying to build our marriage. She is realizing how stupid thing she did but still haven't apologized.

I�m trying my best not to make any love busters and trying to satisfy her EN but she is not giving me any feedback and not willing to subject herself to the MB EN questionnaire and set some plan or program to follow. Not willing to see a local marriage counselor either. She might still be in withdrawal but 2,5 months after the break up and 1,5 months after exposure have passed.
I'm great with the kids just as the affair started and she can not reconcile with the younger 2 yo boy still. He is not accepting her, not as much as he is connected to me. This is a huge EN for her and i think i'm getting the most love deposits with the kids.

I�m helpless...

Please give me your objective outsider�s opinion.

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Dr. Harley would tell you she is unlikely to apologize for a very long time, if ever.

You should start rebuilding by inviting her on fun dates with no relationship talk. Don't try to force her to do MB. Be a great MB spouse and entice her back. You are still in Plan A. Also, you need to continue to snoop. Put a keylogger on her phone and computer so she cant block your access. Do you have an avenue of contact with the AP? You may need to move to avoid contact.

You are NOT in any way responsible for her father's stroke. Do not accept any of the blame for that from her family. If anyone can be said to be responsible for something like that, it would certainly be her, rather than you. And even then it's a ridiculous thing to talk about.

Hi DIM, welcome to Marriage Builders. This thread belongs over on the Surviving an Affair forum, because you are not in recovery yet. I would wager that the affair is not over, it has just gone further underground. I would do some super sleuthing and more exposures to get it busted up. Most OM are punks and cowards and are not hard to run off with a nuclear exposure.

The second thing you will need to do is affair proof your marriage and start working on a plan of recovery. Marriages do not recover by accident, but only by design. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They stumble along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnerable to an affair than before the first affair. You don't have to be like that if you will a) bust up her affair and b) follow this program of recovery.

And while you can't "force" her to work on recovering her marriage, she cannot "force" you to stay in such a destructive environment.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thanks for your feedback,
As of yesterday we had disagreement how to proceed further with her point the same we should be here for the kids only and we will se for the two of us how it will be. I'm hearing the same stand from initial discussion meaning to have technical marriage between us so both of us to live together but to have other lovers. She had made arrangements to see somebody yesterday afternoon prior to our discussion. My point was the one that i'm saying all along that if we don't try to rebuild our marriage, we have a time bomb that will surely explode in the future. I suspected that she saw her sister yesterday and she did not which leaves the only alternative, she saw him. Today she called in the morning to say sorry about her yesterday behaviour and that we will talk nicely tonight, i'm hearing openly. I expect her to want to have open marriage so that she could have him and have me taking care of the children or divorce, reconciliation i do not expect to be an option for her right now. For me is either reconciliation or divorce, so we are only going to have having agreement on divorce. We will see how it goes but i will not be satisfied with dishonesty any more.

WW not willing to give access to her phone is a bad sign indicating that the affair is not over.

Apples123 i've read all there is to read on this page several times over, thanks for the feedback.
At present she is not interested in fun dates whatsoever since any going out of home is a risk of meeting the best friend's wife which is keen to attack her for distroing her marriage, they were friends before. She only uses her iphone 6s for communication, not the pc and i do not have access to the phone.
MelodyLane she is not willing to commit to any sort of rebuilding of the marriage at present, only to let the things happen as they should is her answer.

Thanks for your feedback

Dim, your next steps should be to expose the affair using the techniques on my Exposure 101 thread. STOP having "serious" discussions with her and focus completely on busting up the affair. Please go read the thread in my signature and come back and lets talk.

Consider a PI to help you get evidence of the ongoing affair. Pictures are hard to argue against. If she brings up an open marriage (frankly an oxymoron), tell her "No, thanks. Want some nachos?" and walk away. Don't get drawn into a long conversation.

100% agree you are in no way respponsible for FIL's stroke. I'm trying to think up a snappy come back for you next time someone says this on like "(chuckle) next I'll be responsible for the rain and unrest in the Middle East."

Maybe Melodylane has some ideas...

When will you be exposing?
Exposure 101

If you are willing to fight for your marriage--and Dr. Harley's methods have saved thousands of them--you need to not mention divorce to her. Let her know you are fighting for her. Express to her that you care and love her. She will not love you back. Not yet. But there is a very good chance you can save this marriage and make it better than ever if you follow the steps. Start with exposure, but also talk to her or write her a letter letting her know you that she is the love of your life and you are willing to do everything it takes to make the marriage happy and romantic.

We say here that feelings follow actions. Take action first, and later the feelings will follow. Trust the process.

The affair is not over, and if you believe for a minute that the worst was kissing between them, then i am Elvis.

Counselors that don't have a plan to deal with ending the adultery are a waste of time and money so stop that nonsense.

Hi all and thanks for your feedback.
Here is the update:
Exposure to all relevant parties have been done and everybody that is relevant, already knows from 2 months ago;
She is becoming more and more devoted to our marriage succeding with every day that passes.
She is seeing my parents from 1st of jan just like nothing happened;
Her phone is oppened to me and after detailed check, there is nothing there, as expected but i will be checking regularly;
All her family pays close attention to how I behave as they are suspecting of me calling it quits;
The reason i suspect that the affair is over is cause i know my friend has no interest in her since he is having several other girlfriends that are 25 y.o. and my wife is 40 and it has become quite painful for him. His wife is devorcing him for all the things he has done, they are selling the house and separating. My counselor says, and i also beleive that my ex-friend (the lover) wanted to end this and that is why he confirmed the affair. My wife feels betrayed by her lover for confessing to me. I know that he held back since i also suspect that it didnt end in kissing only, but i can not let that destroy the future of my marriange since i am ready to let go of the past.
Several days ago she told me that her feeling of love for me are starting to come back to her with all the tenderness and warmth that i am providing and i need to continue. It was as a response to the fact that she needs to engage more in restoring our marriage.
She hasnt been to gairdresser for the past 2 weeks and doesnt pay too much attention on her looks and thats why i beleive that she is honest that the affair is over;
She also understands that the lover was just trying to use her sexually and that she was just an object in his life.
Her remourse is obvious by her heavy withdrawal to herself, i believe that she is goind into depression.
She is getting better with the kids every day and towards me as well, but we are not quite out of the woods yet.
She feels every cold shoulder that i make and is ready to change her behaviour but the change is still somehow shallow and does not last long, i need to remind her of the direction every several days or so so that she improves for the benefit of this marriage.
We have both stated that for the past 4 weeks we have both been very gentle towards each other and the rebuilding of this marriage has moved from "possible" to "almost certain".
My confidence is a lot improved and far better than hers

Thanks all for your feedback

Hi DIM, thanks for the update. My concern is that you have not affair proofed your marriage becuase you are overly focused on completely irrelevant things like

a) her "remorse"
b) her physical appearance
c) the OM supposedly "dumping" her

None of these things will serve to affair proof a marriage. If you live close to the OM and she runs into him occasionally, her feelings will be triggered and the affair will be back on. What has been done to absolutely ensure no contact? Did she change her contact avenues?

It seems like you don't really have a plan here and I will tell you emphatically that not having a plan is a plan for failure. Here is what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says:

here

And did you speak to his wife directly?

Where do you stand on this list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

How's is going, DiM?