I watched Dr. Harley's video on Infidelity again. I don't know why I thought the withdrawal period was 3 weeks. Boy, was I off. I rewatched it and see it's 3-6 months!

At the moment, we're at the beginning of this stage. I don't even want to discuss the issue with my WH because I feel he isn't even receptive. His current attitude is "woe is me", "I don't deserve any kindness/love / don't offer me hugs/kindess", "I don't feel good", "everyone hates me", "don't offer to help me, it's hopeless". He won't accept comfort / help.

What should I be doing? I was going to wait to continue marriage counseling when he seemed ready for it. Should I be waiting? Or should I book our next session soon?

Libby, the first steps would include telling you everything about the affair, most especially the OWs identity. Has that been done? Has he ended all contact with her? What has been done to affair proof your marriage?

I am unclear about this anxiety for "marriage counseling." That is not going to help your marriage. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair? It sounds to me like you have lowered the bar for recovery with your husband, therefore there is no plan here. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

Do you want to save your marriage?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=172327&Number=2870167#Post2870167

In your first thread you said you didn't know the identity of the OW. Do you now know it?

You also revealed that you don't have access to the work cell phone records and that was how your WH was conducting contact with the OW. Were you able to download spyware onto this phone??

There are some HUGE red flags that this affair is still ongoing, so I hope you will answer so that we can help you with the next steps.

Well, he contacted the OW just this past Sunday. He said last Thursday he'd change his phone number but he still hasn't.

On Sunday, he told me he contacted her (which I guess is good that he told me). He said she dumped him - finally. He obviously has just been waiting for others to make decisions for him. He said she told him never to contact her again - I guess she's smartened up to the fact that he's very disturbed and not committed to her and her 4-yr old son. You'd think the mommy instinct would have kicked in earlier but that's irrelevant now.

I suppose you might be right, that I've become indifferent lately. I doubt that he'll contact her again now. But who knows.

So do I just present the checklist of stuff for him to do?

I don't see marriage counseling on the list. Does that wait until all of the items on the list have been fulfilled? That'll take quite a while, I suspect.

Marriage counseling is more likely to wreck your marriage than save it. Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Is he still living with a friend? How do you know all this if you are plan B? Plan B doesn't end until NC and all contacts avenues are cut off, and he is basically coming back on bended knee.

How does he know her? Is he willing to change jobs or move?

Please answer yes or no:

1) Do you know the identity of the OW (her full name)?

2) Do you have spyware on the work cell phone that he uses to contact the OW?

Y
Ok, but you didn't answer my question. Do you know who the OW is? And I see you haven't even taken the first step here and he has not ended his affair. I hate to tell you this, but you are headed towards a disaster because you have no plan whatsoever.

What good does telling you about contact with the OW do? That means nothing except that he is still in contact with his lover. Being honest about destructive behavior does not make it less destructive.

You don't need marriage counseling, you need to start taking this seriously and follow this plan.

This is an ONGOING affair. The fact that he tells you about his interactions with the OW is not "good". Affairees fight and break up all the time. That should not make you feel "good" about anything. The part you should be focused on is that there IS contact and that you have to rely on your WH (a dishonest cheater) to tell you about it.


If you understand Dr Harley's stuff, then you should understand that affairs are incredibly addictive. The reason you are "indifferent" is because you don't seem to understand the seriousness of this problem. Every contact sets the withdrawal clock back to day one, making a successful recovery that much harder to achieve.


Now....please answer my other questions above.

Ma'am, unless you buck up here and start taking some action you are not going to make it.

He should have never been allowed to move back unless he ended his affair and had agreed to a plan of recovery. I can't even describe to you the holy hell you have signed up for by ignoring these critical first steps. We call it a false recovery.

You do understand that the first step to a chance of recovering your marriage is full exposure, correct? And you haven't even completed step one.

You need to find out who OW is and expose on OW's side.

When can you expose on her side? If he talked to her on Sunday can't you go online and get her number? If he wants to recover then he needs to tell you who the OW is.

Amen to this! Have a read about false recoveries here: False Recovery - Voices of Experience

Even IF your husband were presently going through withdrawal, you would still be headed for a false recovery. Until you have exposed and have both built extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage, it is only be a matter of time until he is back in contact.

If you can't or won't hire a PI to get this woman's name and location, then there is no hope. I have been on this forum since 2013, and I am not aware of one person who successfully saved their marriage when they skipped exposure. They may still be "together"...as in not divorced (and both still leading separate lives while living under the same roof)...but that is not what you want, is it?

We don't want you to settle for a crippled future and crumbs of what used to be.

The Marriage Builders goal is to build a passionate marriage of extraordinary care to last a lifetime.

Have you clicked the red exposure link in MelodyLane's signature and read that entire thread and followed through on it?

Have you read surviving an affair, and has he agreed 100% to the list of extraordinary precautions to recover your marriage and is he following those?

I suppose theoretically it's possible that his "woes me" behavior might be the beginning stages of affair withdrawal/depression, but it sound a lot more like a wayward trying to manipulate their spouse into leaving the alone so they can take their affair underground.

Especially if you have not exposed and don't even know who the OW is or the details of the affair.

If you WH is allowed to live with you and have you sympathizing with his pain when you are not on a solid plan for recovery, you will never recover.

Please read Noone's thread, it's not that long and (so far) has a happy ending, but note:
1. How very strong she had to be and how
2. He tried to get her to take him back without agreeing 100% to the plan but
3. She did not accept the smallest deviation from extraordinary precautions even though she was in a lot of pain and still loved him, and
4. Out of the blue he came to his senses (probably because it was the only way to have her).
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2865606&page=all

If your WH really feels like he screwed up, and is guilty, and everyone hates him, etc. then he needs to understand that if he wants you in his life then surely he will have no qualms following the plan for recovery.

It's ironic, but this is your chance to have a marriage that is better than ever or learn that the man you married is not man enough to be your husband.

Good luck to you!