Upon agreeing we need outside help if our marriage is to be sustainable my husband and I recently completed the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires. It is now time for us to discuss the information with each other. Both of us are concerned about this opening a can of worms and are looking for the right approach to take going forward. Thus far we are deriving guidance from the following. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER RECOMMENDATIONS ABOUT HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS JOURNEY WE ARE ABOUT TO HEAD OUT ON?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm/4/32/302You should share the LBQ with each other, but you need to be careful how you do it. Here is a good post that lays out the steps (these were the same directions given to me and markos when we discussed this with Steve Harley):
Since the last time you did the questionnaires did not go so well, how would you and he feel about a re-do? You could even take it really, really slow...like read about one of the ENs together, have a brief conversation about each of your understandings of what you read (both here and in HNHN) (and no correcting each other's interpretation, this is a dicovery discussion, not a lecture), and then fill out that one page of the questionnaire. Put it aside until you've gone through all ten. Maybe do two or three of them a week. Reading and discussing would be part of UA time, too!
Once you've finished the whole set and ranked them, the proper way to share them is to sit down and take turns reading your responses to each other. Start with the #1 ranked need, and the person starting would say, "My top need is (affection). I have a great need for affection. I would like for you to be affectionate with me twice a day. I am very unhappy when you are not affectionate with me that often. I ranked my satisfaction as a -2. While you don't give me enough affection, I like the way you do it when you do. I would be better satisfied with affection if you would hug and kiss me every time one of us leaves the house or comes home. I also would like it if you would hold my hand in public. I really like it when you play with my hair. etc."
After the first person speaks, the other reads his/her top need.
The other person ONLY LISTENS and TAKES NOTES. Clarifying questions are allowed (Do you mean constantly holding hands in public, or would you be happy if it was only while walking somewhere, like from the car to a restaurant, or while browsing in a store?), but arguing the other person's need is forbidden, as well as a refusal to meet it in that way. Time will show that. Ideally, a negotiation should take place at a future time if a need is not or can not be met in a certain way. For instance, my H does have a high need for DS (it is no longer at the top, though, thank goodness) and we eventually negotiated to purchase a roomba to meet his need for daily vacuuming.
There should be nothing negative in the 'how your need could be better satisfied' section.
I will add that in sharing the LBQ, it is even more essential that the listening spouse does not question or argue with what the other spouse is saying. The LBQ can open up very sensitive subjects, and if you're not careful, can lead to fights. Agree to listen to each other without debates.
If either of you are confused with what is shared on the LBQ, bring it here and we'll be happy to discuss it with you and help you figure it out.
