My husband and I have been together 8 years, married 4. In November he said he loves me so much but wasn't "in love" with me and we should separate for a while, and that he was going to be staying with friends while we figured things out. I found out a few weeks later that he was seeing a coworker of his when I found a series of love letters she wrote to him. They were confessing of love and her believing he is her soul mate and wanting to spend her life with him. It was heart shattering to read these letters because I don't know how a girl could say these things to some one who wasn't reciprocating the same words... So I confronted him and he admitted that he has deep feelings for her and was confused as to what he wants. He still wanted to spend time and talk to her but he was willing to try therapy with me even though he doesn't think it will help because he just isn't in love with me. So, We have a counseling appointment set for next Friday but I'm really not sure if it's going to do any good.

He spends half the week at home, since we have 2 kids and a lot of household responsibilities. The other half he spends out, either at friends or mostly I assume with this other girl. On the nights he's home we are still sleeping in the same bed and cuddling. He said he didn't want to have sex during this time because he doesn't want to add to the confusion, but it has happened twice due to both of us being weak and obviously still attracted to each other. I admit I am extremely weak around him, and cry in his arms and tell him how much I love him. I just can't seem to conceal my pain from him. He says he loves me everyday.

Night before New Year's Eve we went out for casual dinner, and in the car on the way home he asked me what my plans were for new year. All I wanted to do was tell him I wanted to be with him for the new year, but I felt the tears coming and I didn't want to ruin our good night we were having, so I just didn't answer him. He just said its ok you don't have to tell me your plans, and he put a sweet song on and held my hand the rest of the car ride home. The next morning (thurs New Years eve) he left for work and said he wont be home until Sunday. later that day we texted I love you to each other, but I havent heard from him since. He's obviously spending the long weekend with her. We have never gone this long without at least checking in or sending a text. We have also always cherished our New Years kiss at midnight, which he didn't seem to care about at all.

I'm so afraid that he is nurturing this new relationship while pushing ours aside and it will ultimately sway his heart to leave for good. I don't know what to do. We have built such a big life together that no contact seems impossible. I realize I am allowing myself to be a doormat, I'm still in shock, but I just don't know what to do because this situation is so screwed up!

oh boy, I am so sorry to read your story. This thread needs to be in the Surviving an Affair forum and I will notify the moderators.

You do have a chance to save your marriage if you can follow a plan. The plan would be to expose his affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only helps it thrive and grow. Please read the thread about exposure in my signature. Everyone should know.

By allowing your husband to come home and sleep with you while he carries on his affair, you are inadvertently propping up the affair while destroying your mental health. Dr. Harley would recommend that you completely separate from him and have absolutely no contact until he ends his affair and commits to your marriage. You make yourself much less attractive by hanging around making yourself available as his "option." Don't do that. All you are doing is lowering the bar so low that you are not an attractive option.

He comes home so he can assuage his guilt while he carries on his affair.

You have a chance to save your marriage IF you can follow this plan. There are no guarantees, but this will give you the best chance. Please go read the thread linked in my signature and come back and lets talk.

Fortunately you found MarriageBuilders.

First, do not tell your husband about this website. And don't try to educate him about the nature of affairs.

You are very lucky to be here so soon after discovery of the affair. Keep your chin up!

If I expose the affair to everyone he will be enraged.. If I do it should I let him know first? I did promise that I wouldn't tell anyone until we decided 100% whether we would work on things. I guess he's just taking advantage

Did he ask You for Your permission for Him to have an affair?

He is Gaslighting you to cower you from taking actions tbat could break up his fantasy relationship.

LTL

He's coming home sometime tomorrow. What I really want to do is tell him to move out, but I know he won't.

Yes, we know he will be enraged, but our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all cost. You can't continue to let him wreck your marriage just because you are afraid he will be angry. That won't save your marriage.

Don't tell him first. Just expose the affair wide and far following the instructions on my exposure thread. I wuold get this done before he comes home.

You can change the locks and pack his bags.

hon, we understand this is very, very hard. We have all been through it. But you are making the situation much worse by choosing to be weak and timid. You won't have a chance if you don't buck up here and start taking control of your life. You are allowing yourself to be part of a very sick 3-some by ENABLING your cheating husband. You are part of the problem. You lessen the chances of reconciliation by enabling him like this.

But you don't have to do that anymore. Can you follow this plan and start taking action?

I really want to have a plan, that's why I came here. I need to gather my thoughts tonight and figure out how to go about everything tomorrow, before and after he comes here.

Thank you so much for lending your ear and your words. I've been feeling so isolated for the last 6 weeks and really needed to get some of this out.

We can help you manage this situation so you will have the best outcome. Please think it through and come back. hugs to you!

p.s. whatever you do, don't discuss this plan with him. That will ruin your chances.

Organize your paperwork too.
Make sure you have copies of tax returns, bank statements, 401k statements, etc in a place that is safe for you to access them.
Be ready to protect your finances.