Hello, I'm new here but have been lurking for a few months reading posts, trying things I've learned, falling short and trying again. I recently have let go completely but had a slip up today which I'm not happy about.

Long story short, my husband left me 5 months ago, a week later came home and said he had an affair, lead me to believe we were on the path to reconciling and that he was coming home (we even flew down to his family's house for Thanksgiving), and then 5 min. after saying that, said he wasn't coming home and that we would eventually be getting a divorce. I spoke to him today and he again said that he thinks this is the right decision b/c this is "the wrong situation" and "not healthy." I honestly don't understand why he says this b/c there is no violence in our marriage, we don't even curse at each other. There are heated discussions and the usual relational issues but nothing I feel can't be reconciled.

We've been to only one counseling session and he said he doesn't want to do anymore and is not willing to try. I'm stumped and at a loss. We need a miracle at this point. I'm asking for prayers and intercessory prayer. Please help me pray for the restoration and reconciliation of our marriage. Please pray that the Lord soften my husband's heart toward me and our marriage. Pray for God's divine intervention in this situation, that He moves in our marriage and turns this entire thing around. I pray there will be no divorce in our future. I pray that this separation between H and I cease. Please pray the Lord remove all spirits of divorce, adultery, deceit, selfishness and hopelessness far away from our marriage. I truly believe God is faithful to restore and heal our marriage. H is a good man and I pray the Lord will help him love me again as his wife and that He will guide our hearts back to each other. I pray God works in our marriage and moves in a miraculous way to resurrect our marriage. In Jesus name I pray and give Him all the glory, Amen.

Please come into agreement with me and pray for us as I am also praying for all broken marriages here. Thank you.

Have you exposed the affair?

Hello Winning, welcome to Marriage Builders. I believe that God led you to this forum for a reason. Yes, we will pray for you, but more than that, we have a plan that might help you save your marriage. Can you follow a plan? There are no guarantees, but if you can follow a plan, you might have a chance.

How long married? Any kids? Do you know the identity of his affair partner?

Yes, everyone knows about the affair. We've been married 4 years, together 8. No kids and yes, I know who the OW is. He says he isn's seeing her anymore. But even more important, he hasn't reached out to me and we are just not communicating. I want my marriage to survive all of of this.

What exactly does everyone know about the affair? Who told them what?

What do you know about the OW? Married? Does he work with her?

Both he and I told our families about it. How it started months ago and he said they ended it. They know who it is. He still claims he's not seeing her and gets mad when I say something about it (although I try not to).

It was his younger assistant and they worked together. I know she doesn't live too far from me. He's since gotten a new job and they no longer work together but I know they still talk even though he keeps telling me and everyone else they don't. She is not married at all and she knows me. She's been to our home. At this point, there is nothing I can do to get my husband to wake up and work on this. I feel like we can work on this but he just doesn't want to. He told me he told me about the affair bc he thought I would leave him. He doesn't want to try and repair anything. We were moving toward trying to rebuild and then he just changed his mind. Its like someone stabbed me in the heart. He contacts me sometimes to see how I'm doing and talk about money stuff. That's it. I'm so sick of this. I still want to save our marriage but just feeling so discouraged.

Did you have a question for us?

What do you mean?

What can we do for you?

I don't know. I'm asking for prayers. I'm asking how I can bring my husband home. I'm working on myself. I want him to come to counseling and see that we can work through our issues. He refuses. I need help and hope. Will you please help me pray for us and our marriage.

The biggest obstacle in your marriage is the affair. As long as the affair is active, your husband will be high on his addiction. Therefore, counseling will be of no worth whatsoever. It would be like asking a falling down drunk to go to counseling and "work on his issues." In order for change to take place, the drunk has to stop drinking first. In order for your marriage to recover, the affair has to be killed first.

Killing the affair is the only thing that will motivate your husband to want to work on his marriage if it is not too late. It sounds like this affair has gone on for a long time, though.

Does he live with her? Are you sure she is not married? Who does she live with?

Has he ever had an affair before? Have you? Were you married before? Did you live together before marriage?

In 2007, my H and I were transferred to Houston, Texas. In 2008, he discovered he had throat cancer. We had just purchased a home 20 minutes from the front door of MD Anderson Cancer Treatment Center, one of the premier cancer treatment centers in the world. They had an entire floor of specialists that specialized in ear, nose and throat cancer. The typical treatment in the US for this type of cancer was to just remove the vocal cords. At MD Anderson, the highly trained cancer �geeks� used the latest technology and simply lasered off his cancerous tumor, saving his vocal cords. He has been fully recovered and cancer free for 8 years now. These doctors were gifted by the hand of God and we were blessed with the transfer the year before.

How do you think he would have fared if we simply sat in the lobby of MD Anderson and prayed but refused to get treatment? Do you think it would have helped us despite our stubborn REFUSAL to partake of God�s obvious gift?

The point is that God did not send you here to get prayers. He sent you here to get HELP for your marriage just as he sent thousands before you.

Who have you exposed to on her side?

So you think its too late huh?

No, he does not live with her and I am positive she is not married. I believe she rents a room somewhere. No, he's never had an affair before and says his unhappiness caused him to do alot of things he never thought he'd do and make mistakes that he isn't proud of. I have never had an affair. I was not married before either. And yes, we did live together before we got married.

There's really nothing else I can do to expose the affair bc he claims he isn't seeing her, they don't work together anymore and everyone already knows about it. And quite honestly, I wonder if exposing the affair will only have more of a negative affect on the situation. Please pray for us. Please help me pray for my husband. This is all very discouraging.

BrainHurts, I don't know anyone on her side to expose it to.

Did you read the thread on exposure? You can't miss it, it's in red in Melody's sig.

An affair is about fantasy, exposure destroys fantasy. Your husband will not like this, because now he can have his fantasy and you. After exposure, he cannot have both. It also will be the start of your recovery. When you expose, you ask the help of your close friends and relatives to kill the affair. Your support group will be bigger if people know you need help. Find out her name and expose to her family. Her (grand)parents won't be proud and will be able to influence her.

His unhappiness didn't cause him to have an affair. He had an affair because of poor boundaries, lack of honesty and lack of care for you.

To be able to recover your marriage, you have to understand an affair. It is an addiction. Your husband is an addict. There will be triggers to reconnect with OW. If you expose properly, it will be harder to cave in to the addiction again.

Unwillingly, I have been the affairpartner of a married man (didn't tell me he was married). I found out and cut off all contact, but there was this craving to contact him again. If this feeling was so strong with me, how strong will this be with a woman who willingly started a relationship with this man she knew was married?

Don't underestimate the importance of exposure. Read the thread and if you have questions on how to expose, please ask. I have read many threads of betrayed spouses who regretted not exposing sooner of incomplete. I have yet to read the first thread of a betrayed spouse who regretted exposure.

Your intuition tells you not to expose, but after you did it, you will very soon feel the benefits of having exposed this terrible affair.

You have a small chance to save this if you will take action. But if you do nothing, it is hopeless.

Ive taken so many actions. They've all pushed him away. What do you guys suggest?

You have been here for a while, so you must have studied this:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Did you read the exposure thread? That is an essential step. Read the thread, if you have questions after that, post again.

Without a plan, you get nowhere. The first step of the plan is proper exposure. On this forum people will help you with every step.

Can you specify? I read about counseling. In most cases, counseling doesn't help a bit. In fact, in most cases, counseling causes more damage to a marriage (unless the counselors last name is Harley).

The biggest step you could take would be exposure using the tactics on my exposure thread. That is the most effective weapon you have. Just saying that "people know" is not what we mean by exposure. An effective exposure is widespread and comprehensive; reaching out to family and friends and asking them to use their influence to kill the affair.

That is your best hope.