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Posts: 428
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I just don't see any options for me considering he ran to self file for divorce. Sigh.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 428
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I want my marriage restored but I don't know how to do it alone.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5
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I want my marriage restored but I don't know how to do it alone. You can't restore your marriage alone and not while the affair is active. But one thing that can help kill the affair is exposure. You need to find out who the OW is and expose on her side. How about reactivating your Facebook account to find out who she is and get her contact list?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I want my marriage restored but I don't know how to do it alone. Always, this will be an uphill battle over which you have zero control. You should not even consider taking him back unless he completes extensive anger management behavioral control and then demonstrates new behavior for over a year. That is the biggest problem in your marriage. The affair is secondary. Do you think that your husband would go through anger management therapy and end his affair? I doubt he would. And that is the only way you should even consider being with him. Otherwise, divorce would be the best option. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Posts: 428 |
I am not FB friends with my WS...so I have no access even if I reactivated it. I heard from the pastor tonight....he doesn't think the OW is married. Sigh.
I agree with the anger mgmt classes....there is a ton of work to do before he came back.
All the emails I've sent prior to going dark were met with...I'm done...I'm never coming back...we should've never got married...our marriage was a mistake...you never loved me...you never wanted me...over n over n over...there is no communication whatsoever via phone or email coming from him in over a week...and none from me to him either.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 428
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Posts: 428 |
Do you recommend sending a FB message to all the people I can recall on my husbands FB...as noted in the link above...Exposure 101? Most of those people are work people and NOT common friends of us both.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 428
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Nor would I have her name...but...all his FB friends would know who I'm talking about.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5
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Any luck on finding out who OW is?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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None. It doesn't matter. I've gone totally dark including removing my FB acct...to prevent further viewing at any level...his ship needs to sink without me. Sooner he hits bottom...the better. If he can't see me...neither can OW.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5
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None. It doesn't matter. I've gone totally dark including removing my FB acct...to prevent further viewing at any level...his ship needs to sink without me. Sooner he hits bottom...the better. If he can't see me...neither can OW. When was the last contact you had with him? Did you ever decide to write a Plan B Letter with your conditions for his return?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 428
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Posts: 428 |
The last contact was Dec 12th over a chk he was sending to me. I never did an official plan B letter because I hadn't known about it. However...I did do a plan B in essence by telling him that forgiveness and reconciliation are always possible through Jesus. Because I had already done the plan Bish type thing already I went totally dark. He knows there is a way back....if he was repentant. But keep in mind...I found out about the affair on Nov 22, 2015 and on Nov 23, 2015 he filed for divorce. This has all happened so fast.
Last edited by Alwayslookingup; 12/26/15 05:23 PM.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5
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Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5 |
That's why I think a Plan B Letter would be a good idea because he can read the letter to know his way back with your conditions.
Also I think you need to really spend the energy on finding out who OW is and expose on her side. She hasn't had to deal with any fallout because she's being protected.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428 |
I have no way to know. My WH moved and I don't know where. I'm blocked on FB...as well as I'm deactivated from FB...the people I know who know her identity from FB will not tell me.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428 |
Can I still do a plan B letter even though I've already gone dark?
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 50
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"Plan B" - "going dark" - all of it....depends on doing these things in specific order to have the optimum impact on WH.
It is imperative that you work hard to find out who OW is and expose the affair.
I'm sorry if it seems that folks on here are being hard on you, or repeating themselves, but they KNOW what works to restore marriages!
Please take plenty of time to educate yourself on these principles. They can save your sanity!
God Bless,
Once I was BW. Now happily RE-married!
I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Posts: 428 |
Well I am working to find out who she is....a family friend is a PI
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5 |
Well I am working to find out who she is....a family friend is a PI That's great. Any update?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428 |
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,474 Likes: 5 |
Any updates on finding OW?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428 |
Yes. Found out who she is. As a matter of description only...she is older...very black (we are white)...works with him...she is all tattooed...she looks like an ex gang banger. Very rough looking woman. She is also only 1.5yrs sober. Since he has already filed for divorce I won't send exposure letter to his work...nor do I believe her family will care. I sent exposure letter his mom. I'm disgusted.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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