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Support with how to react/not to react to things. As I look around on here, I see a lot different approaches. Does Plan Bing on its own do anything besides help me move on? Another thought is how does Plan B help if that's exactly what the WH wants? I explained that to you in my first (very looong) post! It forces WH and OW to meet ALL of each others' EN's. Their sordid affair is not based on real love and respect. It's based on lots of suppositions on both parties' parts about what the other person is, and how they will fulfill each other. All lies! They need to find that out to see that this whole thing is a big mistake. With spouses out of the way, they think they will be free to be happy, but once the scales start to fall off their eyes, the truth comes to light (remember what I said about his socks, etc.? lol).
Once I was BW. Now happily RE-married!
I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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I hear exactly what you're saying OlderWiser. I feel like reaching out to complete strangers that have nothing to do with my problems and my H's decision to do what he did in an effort to make him stop b/c he won't listen to me also makes me desperate and needy.
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I hear exactly what you're saying OlderWiser. I feel like reaching out to complete strangers that have nothing to do with my problems and my H's decision to do what he did in an effort to make him stop b/c he won't listen to me also makes me desperate and needy. You're not "desperate and needy" to us, sweetie. We've all been there....
Once I was BW. Now happily RE-married!
I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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I hear exactly what you're saying OlderWiser. I feel like reaching out to complete strangers that have nothing to do with my problems and my H's decision to do what he did in an effort to make him stop b/c he won't listen to me also makes me desperate and needy. Do you think it is desperate and needy to get professional advice from someone who has saved thousands of marriages? The advice we are giving you comes from Dr. Bill Harley. I wouldn't call that "desperate and needy;" I would call that wise. But you do not have to take the advice here. You can reject it and move on. I wish you the best.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I definitely don't want to just "move on" from my marriage, I love and miss my H. I'll continue to delve into all of this. I am dealing with a twenty-something year old OW who couldn't give zero about the damage caused. Thats why I keep feeling like its fruitless to bring her family into this. Who knows, they might be morally inept just like she is and say, "that's her problem, not yours."
Thank you all for your help. I will continue to post and seek guidance as I walk through this.
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Dont confuse the advice given to women with that given to men (most of the posters around on the front page are men.) Women are encouraged to go into Plan B MUCH faster for two reasons - women tend to experience health problems sooner than men and women tend not to be able to "win" back a wayward spouse as men are.
You dont know this woman or her family. You assume no one will care, but studies show adults see affairs as extremely wrong and disgusting. Someone WILL talk to her about it; you should never expect to hear about it though. As you said, "who knows"
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I'm here to save my marriage. I came here for support. And the affair has already been exposed. Just having a hard time with the exposing to her family thing. Think it will only strengthen his resolve. Just looking for support while and coaching as I've been advised to let it die a natural death. Can you tell exactly what and how you exposed? Exposure is critical as first step. There is a big difference between your friends and relatives knowing your husband is having an affair and proper exposure. What information do you have on the affair and how much of that came directly from your husband? Did you investigate? Surviving an affair without proper exposure is like driving a truck without power steering. It might be possible, but you need a great deal more strength and stamina to reach your goal. It will be more likely to fail. Why don't you e-mail Dr Harley to clarify whether or not you need to expose to OW family?
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I told his family what I know about it. He told his family. How/when it started (according to what I know) and he said they ended it. They know who it is. He still claims he's not seeing her and gets mad when I've said something about it. The family never supported it and never will. Friends know and they are hurt and disappointed in him - he avoids anyone/thing that reminds him of the damage he's done.
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If I understand correctly, all you know about the affair is what WH told you. Do you have any evidence other than that? Did you for example find evidence in your financial records of affair related purchases, phone records, e-mails? You might want to read this recent thread, I think it is a good read for anyone in your situation. You will find a lot of good info on exposure and plan B. It also includes an example letter for exposing to the employer. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=172347&Number=2870923#Post2870923
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Yes, phone. And I've shared that also. They no longer work together.
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My dilemma it's an Exit Affair. And now that we're separated, he's had the space to take it underground even though it's been exposed to family and friends and they have rallied around me in support of the M.
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MB doesn't support the notion of exit affairs. That is simply an excuse.
Are you going to write the Plan B letter?
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Yes, I am. I've been looking at letters all night and trying to decide what I want to say.
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Feel free to post your letter here; we will help. Brevity is good (about a page, if typed and double spaced or 3-4 paragraphs)
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