Hi Everyone,

First time poster here. I am also new to the board/website, but I have referred to the resources contained in the "Surviving the Affair" sticky. I am so thankful to have found this site and I am so happy to find that there is a forum.

I realize everyone's affair is different, but mine feel's so complicated and I'm at a point where I feel indefinitely stuck. I need to make two major decisions right away that will greatly affect my life and I am unable to take action. Anyone willing to help would be a huge blessing because I feel like I am in a downward spiral that is only getting worse and worse and I need it to stop. I'd like to start by stating my situation (which will be long I apologize) and then I'd like to ask for help with a couple of vital decisions/questions I need to make right away.

Background
Starting with the basics, I'm a 30 year old male who is going on 5 years of marriage, no kids. Our marriage admittedly has had it's low points characterized with neither of us feeling completely happy with the other. I have repeatedly stated worry about us staying together in the past and one point I recommended a trial separation. It drove us to see a counselor. We did it for a few months and then stopped. Basically, we were upset because neither of us meeting each other's marital expectations. I can't tell if this sort of marital strife is normal or not. What I do know is that I love her and care for her deeply.

What's Happening Now
Here's a brief timeline of events. Last August we moved into a one bedroom apartment (signing a new lease together), downgrading to save money. I resolve to continue to try and work on this marriage even though I was notably hesitant due to the unhealthy state of our relationship. On September 21st, she starts talking about separating and having me move out. On September 22nd, I lose my job of 3.5 years very suddenly and unexpectedly. The following day, she informs that me losing my job does not change the way she feels about us separating and that I need to look for another place to live asap. These two events in combination proceed to throw me into a very deep depression (I mean sleeping 12+ hours, waking up into full out panic attacks having never had one before in my life, not eating, zero motivation to go outside... you get the picture). I spend the next month trying to find a place to live with no job in an inflated real estate market that is Denver. I finally find a place, which is a friend of friend connection where I could live in someone's basement.

At that point, (mid-november) I leave to spend some time with my family and with a plan to get mentally ready to come back and finally concede to her demands of �giving her space� by moving out. While I�m there, I start to read literature on building a better marriage and I get more inspired than I have ever been to come back and correct the flaws I now know I have been bringing to this marriage. So I come back on Dec 1st and start to share with her my revelations and how I want to us to work on healing each other and building a �love map� for our future together. All of this, must have made her feel like the guilt was just too much to handle or simply just wanted to hurt me so bad that I would stop trying� but the next thing I know �there�s something I have to share with you.� She admits to having an affair since last April. She didn�t tell me anything close to the complete truth at first because she saw how hurt I immediately felt and withdrew. She claimed it was no big deal and that it took place entirely online and was purely emotional. The following day, when I resolved to find a way to forgive her and move on� she went on to tell me the true story as I know it. Basically, she met someone online chat room while I was on a work trip. He is some scumbag that lives in Georgia (other side of the country) and has a wife and 4 children of his own. Their relationship was mostly based over technology like skype, text and emails. Although she did meet up with him in person only once she claims� while attending a wedding in Florida. Even more hurtful, my wife�s best friends who I am very familiar with knew about it and covered for her (they live there). It�s important to note, they�re all having affairs of their own at this point in their lives. Anyway, my wife and him had sex many times in the apparent 24 hour period they were physically together in some hotel room. This is all happening a week or so after losing my job and her pushing me to move out.

According to my wife, OP�s wife found out and demanded he end it immediately. OP wife reported that he was carrying on relationships with multiple women online, using them for sex when traveling for work and that she please stop talking to him for the sake of her and her 4 children. He immediately cuts my wife off. My wife gets distraught and sends him an email full of her grievances. She truly felt they were in love. She feels she has lost something real. I can tell part of her still hope�s he comes back to her� she can�t tell just how delusional and manipulated she has been.

The same day I find out about the truth of the affair. I freak out and start to move things into that guy's basement. I partially move in and then realize I shouldn�t be the one moving out! Especially, if I want to give us any chance of fixing this. Great, now I am living in two places and have no source of income. I also approach our old marriage counselor and I convince my wife to see her as well. She meets with each of us once and then meets with us jointly where she recommends that we physically separate in order to heal as individuals since we are both apparently going through so much. I do not agree with this because I know that separation will seriously decrease the likelihood of us ever overcoming this as a couple. In the following weeks, I find a lot of evidence of her affair on her computer, which was really hurtful and I stash it away. I have pictures, I know what corporation he works for and so on� but I still don�t know his last name is, so I can�t really reach out to his spouse to gain a better understanding of what really happened.

*Note: I still don�t have a job nor have I had an energy or motivation to start looking for a job through this time period. I have been living off an emergency savings I built over the last year.

During this month (December), we have been living together. Our communication has improved and we find ourselves spending time together. I have continued to due my best to grieve while simultaneously filling her love tank as best I can and giving her every opportunity to reconcile with me. I also saw a doctor a few days ago and started a course of anti-depressants. We have been very civil and nice with each other.

She insists that she is not in a mental place to try and that she doesn�t want to give me any sort of hope that will only hurt me more. She will not admit that this affair has affected her decision making and she says they are mutually exclusive events. According to her me trying at this point is only pushing her away because she needs her mental space right now. She has offered to move out and pay her half of the rent until the lease expires next August. I�m not sure whether or not to trust her in this. She is currently actively looking for other places to live, but apparently isn�t finding anything. Which brings me to my current questions...

DECISIONS I NEED HELP MAKING IMMEDIATELY

Am I crazy for continuing to pursue this woman?

My living situation:

I am currently living two places and I have a finite amount of money left. Do I �

Continue to try and stick it out with my wife until she decides to move out� with hope that she will somehow come to a realization and have a change of heart? She is currently paying the entirety of the rent.

Should I take her up on her offer and remain in our home with her paying half the rent even if she is not living here?

Or should I move out to this random guy�s basement, do my best to fit everything in there, buy a bed and basically start all over? It may be the simplest option with less liability. Living in his basement would be about $250 cheaper every month, but then I abandoning my home.

The 2nd current issue I�m dealing with right now.

Exposure:

Should I tell her parents? Her mom is terminally ill with cancer and her father had a stroke last year� oyyyy. They also idolize her since she is the youngest and their only daughter.

I once had a very good relationship with them, but since she has decided to separate with me they have decided not to communicate with me about it at all. They support her fully in everything she does even if they don�t know the whole truth. Although her dad did send me a Christmas card and we are emailing now.

I�m not sure what I have to gain by telling them. One one hand, feeling vindicated and hoping that they will talk some sense into her about the life decisions she is making. I fear it will only complicate an already insanely complicated situation and that it will introduce more unnecessary pain into everyone�s lives.

Please help� sorry for the length on this one. My life feels like it�s completely falling apart.

Only you can decide if you want to try to save your marriage or not, but either way, expose the affair and tell everybody. In fact, do this first. Even if you don't want to save your marriage this will help things afterward - and plus, after exposing, you can see what happens and that may help you make up your mind if you want to save your marriage.

Exposure is not going to introduce pain. It's more akin to ripping off a bandaid. One that has something festering under it. Expose it and get some light and oxygen in there so YOUR healing can begin.

You begin to take power back in your life when you tell people what you are going through.

Hi Fizzer, welcome to Marriage Builders. i am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Markos is correct, you should expose the affair. I would most certainly start with the OM's wife and expose to his employer and friends and family. Everyone should know about the affair whether or not you decide to save this marriage. Exposing the affair will give you the best chance of recovery. And even if you decide not to save it, it will effectively kill the affair so you are not dealing with a fogged out spouse in divorce proceedings.

Please go read the exposure 101 thread in my signature. You will need to find the OM's full name in order to expose. If you have his phone # you should be able to track it here: http://www.okcaller.com/index.php.

We would also suggest that you stay with your wife. Separation is not recommended unless there is abuse or you have decided you are in Plan B.

Oh no, exposure is like shining sunlight on MOLD. Mold does not grow well in the sunlight. You should fear what happens if you don't expose. If you don't expose, the affair will thrive. And even if the affair does die somehow, your wife will still be foggy and will likely have another affair. Exposure does a wonderful job of killing the fantasy that supports the affair, making your spouse more motivated to work on the marriage.

What you have to gain by exposing is possible recovery of your marriage.

The "good" thing about affairs is, that they all are quite alike. And every victim feels his/her situation is unique. You will find out after reading more articles and listening to the radio shows, that most affairs follow the same steps. This will help you fight the affair effectively.

First, you need to expose the affair. Your intuition tells you "no", but after you exposed, you will see the benefits and regret not exposing sooner. On this forum you can read lots of stories from betrayed spouses. I cannot remember reading once someone regretted exposure. Lots have regretted not exposing immediately, or incolmplete. Exposure is not only to kill the affair, but also the first step to your personal recovery.

Second, you decide wether or not you want to recover your marriage. If so, you have found your plan.. You already found out individual counseling isn't good for your marriage. The MB plan is the best thing available.

After losing your job, you got depressed. An affair will also cause you to be depressed. Are you on anti-depressants? This will be an emotional rollercoaster and AD will help you during the process of recovery.

fizzer, welcome.
You should move home, because if anyone leaves the home it should be the one who cheated.
MB has a plan to help you restore your marriage and save your sanity. It should be you secret from your wife until further on down the road. Don't skip any of the steps.
Don't waste your time and money on marriage counseling. Those people don't know anything about saving marriages. They are very good at facilitating divorces and helping clients indulge themselves with stories of their oh so sad childhoods. (General knowledge on these Boards and my own personal experience counseling together with my now ex -- get it?)
Unless you expose the affair, people will only have your wife's fantasy story about what has happened. I never exposed. You really can't skip this step.

Clarification request: did you modify the original post to remove your flirtation with another woman?

apples, the question was directed to Fizzer, right?

Yes. I read a thread, his or one very similar, when I did not have time to comment. The poster mentioned starting a flirtation with the OMW and the posters confusion about his best course of action in the marriage. When I returned to comment about the dangers of revenge affairs, this posts had been edited. I could not find mention of such a flirtation in any of the new posts, but this is the one I believed mentioned flirting/dating the OM's W.

Yes Apples. You remember correctly. This poster edited that reference out of his Original First Post.

That short comment caught my attention instantly.

LTL