Just because I lift weights doesn't mean I'm going for power. To tone ones body using weight one just uses lighter weights and more reps. This is what I was doing that last time I was working a routine and my back spasmed.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Maybe but I would never say that to her. I communicated my struggles but they are my struggles. To this point I don't resent her for what she feels unenthusiastic about doing. It is my job to learn some self control and stop eating the things that keep me from where I want to be.

So far I've dropped 10 pounds using this new way of eating but I've gone back to some bad habits the last month or so. I need to get a handle on that ... recommit myself to a better way.

Yesterday was a dreaded milestone. But now that it has come and gone I�m feeling better about it. Hopefully that feeling continues.

For my birthday my W did something for me in an effort to meet my #1 EN that she has never, ever done before. I was blown away and am still riding the high from it. Not so much what she did but more so when she did it.

Things are going pretty well in our M. I still continue to be the impetus in her and I trying to get in enough UA time and looking for things to do during that time. She isn�t resistant but I definitely have to be the catalyst most of the time. And that�s OK.

I have really being emphasizing to her how I feel disconnected from her if we don�t get in enough UA time. I really do feel it. We don�t schedule SF time and if I�m feeling disconnected from her I find it difficult to ask for it. So my #1 purpose in getting my needs met is to ensure we�re getting in enough UA time and making it be quality UA time.

We�ve spent quite a bit of time golfing which is great. I love it , she really likes it. We ride the cart together. I get to help her improve, I get to give her admiration when she does well, I get to flirt. Loads and loads of quality UA.

We also have a standing date on one of the two weekend mornings. Instead of her sleeping until 10 or 11 am she now gets up (I�m up at 6:30-7:30) and we go have a cup of coffee and bagel at a local shop.

This week we�re busy but this weekend we�ll be spending a lot of time together working in the yard. Lots to do � not enough time.

Hello MB friends, it has been a long time since I've posted. It's good to see familiar posters still here, Mel, Marko, Brain.

I must be a masochist as I continue to come back here with the same and/or similar story every time. I read my posts from several years ago and I sound like a broken record. Much of the same BS has been going on since my last posts here.

I'm no longer in love with my W, haven't been for a long time, but have simply been co-habitating. The MB counseling and our efforts were only a temporary thing. Something she put minimal effort into. I failed to push the issue.

Same thing that happened a few years ago the same neighbor came down without his wife and my wife (who has been getting zero attention/affection from me) spent the night flirting with him. Can't say I blame her desire to have some attention but just shows how idiotic I've been to think I could co-habitate with her.

Problem #1 is her drinking. I'm quite certain she's an alcoholic. Drinks nearly every day and does dumb stuff when she's intoxicated.

I am so uncertain what to do anymore. I had a long talk with her on New Years and told her things needed to change drastically or I was going to leave her. She apologized for her actions on that drunken night. Said it would never happen again. Sorry honey but I've heard that before.

I told her if she really was serious about saving this marriage there were definitive things that would have change.

No more drinking. She's squaking at that but she's stopped ... for now.

To help I've tried to throw myself back into the program and do all the work that Jennifer and my experience has taught me. This is really it, the last time you'll hear me say I'm trying one more time. I've spent the last 2 years being extremely withdrawn and unhappy. I have better things to do with my life then spend it miserable.

Trouble is my W doesn't throw all in with the MB program. I know the right thing to do is give her the mandate that we follow it to the letter or it won't work. I don't know, maybe I have my answer and shouldn't even bother giving it one more go.

Not sure I should even be pushing the MB program right now. She needs my support if we're to get through this but I think her abuse of alcohol has to be addressed before anything. It is difficult to be supportive when you're withdrawn.

The alcoholism MUST be addressed. She cannot do MB if she is drinking. Remind us what happens when you discuss AA with her.

I agree. Will she get into an AA program? And it needs to be an all female AA program. Are you in Alanon?

We have never discussed AA. Not for her. Just our BIL who is an alcoholic.

I suppose I need to be more direct with her and ask her what she thinks of her drinking and if she thinks she is an alcoholic.

Am I in Alanon? No. I went to our local chapter some years ago to get an understanding of what happens in those programs. I was trying to convince my SIL to consider it seeing she has an alcoholic husband.

The 5 or so meetings I attended weren't very productive. As a new member I didn't really felt like I was given any kind of intro to Alanon, what their hope for me would have been, etc. And I just didn't see what the benefit was. I didn't see a lot of advice being given.

To be frank ... if that is what I need to do to recover our marriage I'll probably just cut bait and file for divorce. I've grown so tired of all the effort I've put into this relationship over the years and at this point am so withdrawn from her it's simply not worth it to me. I'd rather cut my losses and maybe some day start fresh with someone else.

Well, you need to decide what you are going to do.

If you want to give the marriage another chance, she needs to be in AA.

If she won't go to AA, you can stay with her and be her carer, without any expectation that you will have an MB marriage. For how long could you keep that up, and why would you do it? How old are your kids now? Is your signature up to date?

You can do what Dr Harley recommends in a marriage affected by addiction, which is to "run for your life". You could separate, taking the kids with you. You could divorce after a time if she shows no sign of getting into AA and abstaining.

What are you going to do?

Hi MrAlias! Sorry to hear things are not going well. The fact that she is an alcoholic explains why your marriage has never changed. You have been spinning your wheels for years with a wife who is CHECKED OUT. Dr. Harley says this program does not work unless the addiction is resolved.

I would plan to separate if I were you. here

oooh, I love this line!! " After you are separated, explain to him that he can have a relationship with you or alcohol, but not with both."

Actually, this is sort of what my XH told me on April 27th, 1985: It's AA or the highway. Make your choice now, because if you ever drink again, I will put you on a bus to your mother's and I will keep the kids."

I have not had a DROP since!

Hi Mel,

Thanks for the replies.

I have things to decide. I'll be back when I do.

I did update my profile just now SC.

Mrs Alias and I have taken time each night this week to talk about our relationship.

I, of course, mainly raised concerns about the drinking. She was very open about the whole thing. We discussed alcoholism.

How would we know if she's an alcoholic?

She's made some statements that lead me to believe that this is more of a behavioral thing versus an addiction but how can any truly know if it is addiction?

We aren't drinking right now. However she has said that she does feel upset when she thinks she can't do what she wants. She really enjoys having a beer or two a time or two during the week. She'll come home, work on her afghan and sip a beer or two then we go to bed. Or if we go to dinner she'll have one or two.

Until I know she needs to be in AA I'm not sure how to move forward.

We discussed and agreed on many things. We both know we've spent a lot of time hurting each other and that we seem to struggle making each other happy. We've agreed that we should give this one last effort and if that doesn't work then we should go our separate ways.

Which brings me back to the alcohol because I really don't want to waste my time working the MB program if she is an alcoholic. I know that it doesn't work. However I'm too amicable. Too chicken or whatever. I have a hard time mandating things with her. She's stubborn and doesn't like it when people tell her what she should do. Even if she knows they're right. Reflecting on that I can see that she has me programmed.

Knowing that I have a hard time insisting she go to AA. I don't think she'd go. Is that the only way we'd truly know whether or not she should stop drinking entirely and work a program without alcohol?

Thanks in advance for your advice.

I found this interesting as I just saw it on another thread.


I have spent the better part of the last 2 years withdrawing from my wife. I decided I was just going to skate thru life until the kids were grown and quite frankly I was almost certain I would then leave her. Stupid I know.

As I pulled away she continued to drink and in my eyes (not her perception) she drank more and more. I withdrew even more. I wasn't happy but I wasn't in a freaked out state.

I am terrified of being divorced. I really do love my wife and I really wish we could be happy and live together forever. I fear what it will do to the kids and my finances and on and on. Hence my resistance to any type of separation and why I do the lame martyr thing.

Now that I've decided I want to give this another go (depending on the alcoholism question) I am nervous as all get out. Having trouble focusing on work. All I want to do is fix my marriage. I want to make her happy so she can make me happy and I can go back to feeling comfortable and not so on edge.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post if anywhere. Just wanted to have an outlet to communicate my thoughts and struggles.

[Edited to add] Switching to decaf.

When you must have a beer or two every night it points to alcoholic.

There are lots of people that nurse a beer or two though never get drunk, never act inappropriate. Though will not insist they have to have a beer when none is in the house.

People that have a glass of wine with diner. That is a glass of wine when they sit down. Never pour a full glass. Are ok with the bottle going dry and not buying any more because wine is not in the budget.

Not a 1st glass as they cook, not a 3rd glass after done eating to get the motivation to do the dishes.

They know when to stop before they feel a buzz.

Or the old I'm not an alcoholic because they hold down a job M-F yet have/must to get drunk every weekend.

Sorry I did want to qualified what I said to my wife about the drinking.

"I struggle with the drinking because I'm no expert and I have no way of knowing if you have an addiction or not. I do know that you're drinking is a problem for me and thus a problem in our marriage.

I attribute the drinking to two things:

1). You get too drunk some times and do things that I am embarassed about. We talked about this, you get so drunk you slur. (FYI she had done really well on this for months and months until New year's eve). And you do hurtful things that flirt with neighbor guy and in my eye very inappropriately, dancing and wiggling around directly in front of him as if to show him your stuff.
2). You drink sometimes 4 or 5 nights a week. I figure that is the reason you have all this extra weight you put on.

If you don't have an addiction I would be OK with you have an occasional drink or two if you were to lose some of the weight you've gained in the last 2 years. But if you start having a beer or two now I would need you to tell me of any progress you were making losing weight."

We've been working out every night this year so she's trying to get in shape. She even thanked me for confronting her this time and she was ready to make a change. She'd just given up on us too. What came first the chicken or the egg?

She doesn't want to be overweight and she does want to have a happy marriage and she certainly doesn't want to be embarrassed by her drinking.

Thanks for the reply TheRoad.

I'm not sure if your post helps me.

She doesn't have a beer every night. Sometimes 3 or 4 or 5 times a week. And she will only have 1 maybe 2, other times 3. Quantify that though she drinks the big 16 oz cans not the 12s. Seems the bigger cans are cheaper.

She attributes fun things with drinking. We go to dinner, drinks, we go to a party, drinks (so do I), we go do something fun like lay on a beach or golf or whatever if she can drink there she will.

She never acts inappropriately when she's just had 1 or 2 or 3. It's when she pounds 'em down like on New Year's where she probably had I don't know 4 beers, her and the neighbor polished off a bottle of champagne (I don't like the stuff) and a some other goofy purple drink that has silver swirls in it. Slurring, dancing, getting way too close to the neighbor guy. I came downstairs to see him standing behind her just staring at her backside and he didn't look away until he noticed I was back. At that point I gave him a look and he got it and did well to steer away from her.

Sigh. I like the guy. Good buddy except for this. I trust nothing would happen as his world would crumble if his wife found out he was doing anything inappropriate. They have a shaky relationship but he's a family man too.

She is an alcoholic if she is addicted to drinking. However, it is easy enough to answer that if she can just quit drinking. And it doesn't matter if she is an alcoholic or not, what matters is that you don't like it and it is wrecking yoru marriage. She can just stop drinking. If she won't stop drinking then you have a bigger problem than the alcohol, and that is extreme thoughtlessness. She wants to gain at your expense.



Yes, it does work. I am an alcoholic and I have a wonderful marriage. But she has to stop drinking in order for it to work. She can do that. Anything that comes before your marriage will come between it.


Alcoholics very often have affairs because they are out of control when they are drinking. It is clear she loses control and her personaltiy changes when she drinks alot.

And I am curious how you know how much she drinks? How would you know?


Defines just about every person who has an affair. Don't understand why you would imagine he would be immune. He is not. Your wife is not.

It's real simple. She can just stop drinking. If she won't, then you know that drinking is more important than your marriage and your marriage won't last.

Yes, she has an addiction. She is addicted to alcohol and has a dramatic personality change when drinking. If she doesn't have an addiction, then what's the problem with giving it all up right now? Any normal person would just give up a beverage or food that caused them to act so outrageously that it alienated her spouse.


No, she should not drink at all. If drinking has been poison in your marriage, then eliminate the poison. Don't settle for a little poison. Secondly, it is not the 10th drink that is the problem, but the FIRST drink with an alcoholic.

I am concerned that you are wasting alot of valuable time debating whether she is or isn't an alcoholic and that misses the point. The point is that drinking is wrecking your marriage. STOP DRINKING.