MB has not "worked" in your marriage. Can you see why now?

This one? Yes. I read it. Your statement that they won't follow POJA makes sense only as it pertains to the drinking. Everything else her and I are able to negotiate. Interestingly enough we used POJA to negotiate her drinking, not the elimination of the drinking, but something we felt we could both live with.

It failed because I wasn't diligent in working the program once I became discouraged. That we lost sight of doing what we needed to to stay on track.

Had we continued to talk about the issues (the drinking, weight gain, me being a couch potato, etc) I would not have come back here for help.

It was easier for me to give up and withdraw then to do the work.

One of the reasons that POJA is not effective with an addict/problem drinker is because they will agree to anything to protect their drinking. The alcohol comes before everything as it is their first love. AS long as it is her first love - which it is - you can't compete. I think if you are really honest with yourself, you will be able to see your situation in this article: Alcoholic Spouse

Have you considered emailing Dr. Harley on the radio show and getting his advice? [it is free]

Thanks for the article Melody. I will take some time to read it today.

I haven't really thought about emailing Dr. Harley but I will give that some thought too. It's hard enough to get your great advice which tells me what I know is best approach to his principles from you. I let my fear control me too much, I know.

He could speak to you and your wife on his radio show and help you solve this problem. He is amazing. Do you listen to the radio show?

I used to, from time to time. Not anymore. Not for over 2 years. I went into withdrawal from her and abandoned most everything MB related.

I remained respectful to her but that's not always easy when I'm forcing distance between us.

She got a lot of "Do whatever you want. I don't much care.".

As far as us being on the radio show, I'm about 99.9% sure she won't want to do that. It was all I could do to get her to meet with Jennifer.

She also won't be enthusiastic about me airing our dirty laundry over the air waves. I'm a bit of an open book, she keeps things close to the vest.

Since you aren't really working the program anyway, I would go ahead if I were you. You can speak to Dr Harley on his show and play it back for your wife. He might be able to get through to her.

I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, but how's that working for you, MrAlias? Not too well, I imagine.

When the wife is not interested in doing Marriage Builders, the husband needs to increase his involvement in Marriage Builders about 1000%. He has to carry the load. He can't be the one who doesn't know what Dr. Harley would recommend a guy do in his situation. He can't be the one not listening to the radio show.

I was able to keep my sanity. Watching her drink was painful, depressing. I withdrew to survive.

It worked until she failed to control her drinking in front of the neighbor and the kids at the end of the year.

I started the conversation by saying something has to change and drastically or I will be forced to leave you.

I never said she wasn't willing to work the MB program. We both know many of the tools we were taught were helpful. We've both communicated to each other what we needed to get this relationship back on solid ground. I communicated I'd prefer she stop drinking. She negotiated that she change her behaviors and patterns but not quit drinking entirely. That she would be more responsible.

"I don't want to be the wife who is the lush. I don't want you to be embarrassed to be with me.".

Melody,

I don't know if this makes any bit of difference or if you could help me rephrase something to her based on the following statements she's made ....

"I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I don't crave it. I do like to have a few beers to relax. I do know I sometimes drink too much and so I'm thinking it is more of a drinking problem than alcoholism.

I did some research on this and based on what I heard I would like to try something to see if I can control the drinking where it is no longer a problem for you or I."

This is when she communicated that she'd limit her drinking to 2 days and no more than 4 beers on those 2 days.

I get you think I'm not being smart agreeing to this. I explained my thinking best I can.

After we discussed and I agreed to this I added a couple of caveats to it.

1). No more chugging beer. If there isn't enough time to finish the drink it gets left behind.
2). No more trying to get in another drink. If you need to, take my lead. If I'm not having another you shouldn't either.

MrA, if you've agreed to all this, and it's working, then what is the problem?

I'm not sure how to answer that. I've been getting advice from Mel who I know is very knowledgeable about this topic and MB of course.

I know I'm not thrilled that she doesn't want to quit drinking. Even if just for a little while. That is why I stopped in to get some advice/feedback.

I'm thinking she has a definite problem so right now I'm just trying to work out my next steps. I've outlined what my current plan is.

This week I'm talking about it because after we agreed to the intial terms of drinking a little on weekend I was triggered. This weekend she did drink both Fri and Sat after our agreement. She had 2 on Fri and then 3 beers on Sat over a long period time throughout each evening. I was triggered because she had to have another one time and had to try to drink it fast when she simply shouldn't have ordered another. Hence I added a couple more rules to her plan.

Which is all ridiculous or a waste of time if she truly can't control the drinking,

The problem is that she can't stop drinking, so he capitulated with a plan to keep her drinking.

Her next move will be to hide her drinking better.

That is a fear I have yes. That she will start to hide it if she already hasn't.

See, an alcoholic will agree to anything to get her spouse off her back. The fact that she won't/can't give it up indicates she is addicted. She "needs" it to relax. This is why I want you to write Dr. Harley. He once specialized in addictions and can help you with this.

Are you following Mel's advice?