Here's a doosey.
Got together with my now wife 1st 16 in high school. Had our first kid at 17. We both continued school, got married 2003, had 3 more kids over the years. Fast forward Moved out of state away from all family had 2 more kids total of 6. We wer doing great. I got her a great office job through a friend and his wife, fast forward 3 yrs Her grandma who raised her passed away. Few months later I'm out of town on business, come home 2 days later discover she is cheating. And was while I was out of town even during our daughters b day. With a coworker. She had a work awards function and after the 1st of a cpl functions that week she had already stayed at a hotel with him and met several times over the next few days. My discovery was only cause she was sloppy drunk walking home putting her phone together after staying way late at a x mas work function and cheating that night. Turns out dude is also married, my oldest daughter and his are friends. Same school and all. Even gave mine a ride with his daughter somedays. My wife and his are friends even tho I don't really know either beyond saying hi.
So for the next 6 months I tried working things out as she begged me to stay when I was going to leave and I cough her up again and again and finally presented her with everything I knew about how she has been continuing it. Since she refused to quit her job and move and all of that. So I left her and everything we had and moved back to the bay area. Got a great job, eventually a car and 1st thing I did was come see my kids. While there and we hadn't really talked she was all over me, we fooled around. She had transfeered to a different location for her job still same company same city other side of town, She was wanting me to move back with her and get back together. Said I'd think about it we could talk. No sooner then getting back to the bay and on the job right after work I get a call my daughter was admitted to a mental hospital cause she was cutting. I immediately left and drove 16 hrs straight to get to her. She was in there about 10 days and released while in there, wife really expressed wanting us back together. And by the time she got out I had received call I lost my job. So I decided to stay in town for the sake of kids and because and I still seperate at this time started seeing another woman, after wife and I talked I agreed to give it another try and she seemed sincere. So no more than 3 months go by we wer living together as a family again and it is now day before turkey day and work functions coming again and she hits me with "what if we don't work out, can we still be friends?" I immediately knew that mentally she had talked to the affair partner again and she was making plans with him. I was right. So after talking and informing her that I will leave instantly if this is what she wants, of course she wanted him more for the 2nd time choosing the other man who mind u is still married and living with his wife who found out everything about what my wife and her husband had done. Due to those same friends that I got her the job from coached his wife to not really believe it and they knew all the details and heard it from my wife's mouth aswell. Sort of counseled us thru part of it. So I made a phone call to the girl I stopped seeing to be back with my wife. She sent me money and purchased a plane ticket to where she was now living. My wife's work functions came and her plans wer ruined because her lovers wife attended with him and they couldn't sneak to make it happen again. Out of jealousy she picked another coworker who she knew from the new location of her job and went home with him. He was kind of new his dad also worked for the company she was friends with his dad. I found out all of this day after xmas cause she was texting me about how she wasn't sure before it all happened and maybe if we took it slower it could work, start with talking... kinda stuff. Mind you I'm now in Detroit with another woman. After finding out what she did with another guy had some drinks had protected sex with my new girl. Condom broke! Few months went by and my heart was still with my wife and decided to come back to where my kids wer. Roommate with an old friend and date my wife again. During this time I found out my ex girl got pregnant and I was open and honest and told my wife about it. Ex was going to abort set a point mentioned and next time I talked to her she didn't do it. Cpl months go by, me and the wife patch things up, I move back in and time goes by we are doing okay in working on our marraige. Few months go by and I find the baby was born, looks exactly like my other kids when they wer infants, and I said I would not take responsibility untill confirmed by dna test. Me and 2nd Bm have no intrest in getting back together. She lives in Detroit us in vegas and her with her ex husband and their kids me with my wife and kids. I come from a father who left me when I was young and I don't even remember what he looks like. The man that raised me is the only dad I know, and I promised myself I'd never do that to a child of mine. So I expressed to my wife the kid looks like ours and my ex gf says it's mine. If dna confirms I would like to take part in its life and obviously would have to help financially. She is telling me that she don't know how she will feel and that if I do, she may not be able to stand seeing me with another child that isn't hers and therefore doesn't know if she would want to be with me. After knowing from the moment I first found out and agreeing it wasn't a problem then and won't be in the future, the future is here and now she is going back on her word. I've even expressed wanting another daughter and she doesn't want anymore kids, before this new kid situation happened, My question is..... should I stick to my mroal beliefs and have a part in this new child's life considering even that will be limited as her mom lives in Detroit, and us in vegas, so I wouldn't be forcing another woman into our life, other bm is not demanding and knows I'm with my wife and kids. Isn't pushing me to be in the child's life but would be happy if I did. She also isn't asking for anything at all. But I'd like my 6 kids to know their sister instead of 20 years passing and she show up at the door asking why I didn't want to be in her life or why I don't love her. If it's my child I want to be part of her life. I didn't intend to have her, I used protection, it broke. My wife I feel is acting as if I did the cheating and because of it got another woman pregnant. When it was her choices that made us seperate and my choice to see someone else during that what I thought was a permanent seperation, got her pregnant. So what do I do? I accept responsibility for my side and actions. During and after affair I gave my wife ever chance to stop and fix things. And even the 2nd chance she ruined and as a result, another woman now has a child of mine from a time when my wife wanted to be with another man. So to say I'm lost about all of this would be an understatement at best. Advice please!!! If u need clarification on anything in my story I'll be happy to elaborate

Hi MArcus, welcome to Marriage Builders. We have dealt wtih this situation many, many times and the best solution is to stay out of the child's life entirely. Keeping this reminder of your adultery around will eventually destroy your marriage and seriously damage the security and welfare of the children of your marriage. Another reason you shouldn't stay in contact with your adultery partner is becuase your marriage will never recover with this OW hanging around. Recovery will be impossible. Impossible.

Another reason to stay away is that it will be harder for the OW to remarry and find a father for the child with you hanging around. Most men are not willing to raise another man's child, but they are even more reluctant when there is some guy in the wings.

I would step away and focus 100% on your marriage and the children of your marriage. You can't sacrifice them for some grandiose notions of fathering the child that was produced by your affair.

The above advice comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. Here is a radio clip that addresses this problem: here

and here: Dr Harley counsels a WH and a BW about an OC situation on todays radio show. It was an awesome show! He walks them through how it should be handled. The husband is refusing to not see his OC and Dr Harley tells him why he needs to never have contact with the child or the OW. It is the 3-13-12 show and you can listen to it by clicking here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686

Apparently you don't accept responsibility for your actions if you won't admit you committed adultery. You committed adultery. You had an affair. That is not your wife's "act," but a matter of truth. Just because she committed adultery first does not mean you didn't.

That is very selective morality since it doesn't seem to apply to your adultery and putting your marriage and your children FIRST. You have more than a moral obligation to them, you have a LEGAL obligation.

Again I stated that we seperate and in fact agreed it was the end. Being still married yes but we wer going to file for divorce. So I did not cheat. We wer not together at all, and had no plans of getting back together and wer not even talking when I was with the other woman. Also ow lives with her children and their father and he knows of me and who the father of the new child is. He is willing to help her on their end as a family of their own. So yes I did commit adultery in a sense I was still married, but she made the choice to want to seperate and we agreed that would be the end of us, so I moved on. As a single man. Dated another woman as a man about to go through a divorce.

"Separated" means married. So yes, you did commit adultery. Can you see now why it is such a bad idea to date while married? Your wife caused enormous damage and so did you.


All the more reason to stay away. Let this man father the child and leave these people alone. You have a greater comittment to your wife and children.

Keep in mind this was my wifes second round of cheating on me and decision to try to be with the other man instead of me, is why we seperate and I started seeing another woman while we wer seperated. Wife in vegas, me living in detroit. Us not together. How does that make me the cheat? Help me to understand, how is it adultery if we have left the marraige and relationship. And have legally seperated?

Let me frame this another way. In order to save your marriage, you need to commit to never seeing or speaking to your OW again. Your wife must do this also with her affair partners. If you can both do that, we can guide you through a plan that will a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic, passionate marriage.

But you need to step away from the OW and the OC in order for that to happen.

Isn't that wrong though? This child if mine is also my responsibility. Same as any other child of mine and did not ask to be here. My choices and actions brought that child here and it is my responsibility to that child to help and raise and be a part of her life. And I do take responsibility for my actions as a man and father. I accept my actions have brought a problem into now repairing my marriage and family. But as a parent it's hard to imagine ever leaving my kids for good or not wanting anything to do with them. I truly love kids and believe with all of me in being a man and father to any child of mine and making sure I help give them a better life, as any parent does. How could I just act as if the child doesn't exist?

I think you know the answer to that. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sure, she wrecked your marriage with her adultery, but that does not justify your adultery. You had an affair while married just as she did. Your affair is just as damaging to your marriage.

I did the same thing as you did except that my XH left me for his OW. I started dating my husband while still married. It doesn't justify what I did. It was still adutlery.

Are you reading my posts? Did you listen to the radio clips I posted? I have already answered this question.

So best thing to do basically is wait 20 years for this little girl to pop up and ask me why I wasn't their? All the while raising my boys to be a man and take responsibility for their actions should they ever get a woman pregnant and have a child, while I don't practice what a preach? I really do want my marriage to work and last. But as a parent also believe in giving my own life for a child of mine. My bio father left me when I was a kid watching gumbo in the mornings and step father tho he raised me always treated us different than his own kids and push come to shove I'm certain would choose his blood child over us. Kind of made a life impression on me to be a man and father to any child I father never wanting to be the cause of a child having to live through what I had to. I resent my bio father and have chosen to never speak with him again and haven't for now 28 years cause of him leaving us and never doing anything for us growing up, complete dead beat dad not even a birthday card ever! I can't imagine being that man and living with myself.

The most important thing to all children involved is that their parents have a healthy intact marriage. That is the foundation for the security and welfare of children.

Therefore, the best thing you can do for all children involved is do nothing to threaten your marriages. You put both marriages at risk by hanging around because you are very likely to end up divorced by keeping the OW and this OC in your life. You threaten the marriage of the OW by hanging around and interfering in her life.

Most marriages do not survive continued contact with an affair partners child. And your marriage absolutely will not survive contact with the OW.

You don't have to risk that. That OC will never miss you because he doesn't know you. But he will suffer great harm if his family is broken up by your presence. He has 2 parents who are willing to love him and raise him. You should leave these people alone.

Sacrificing your own marriage and your children's security is not the behavior of a MAN. It is reckless and irresponsible. Your marriage is already very crippled. IT won't survive an OC and an OW.


If you mean that, then you shouldn't do anything to threaten it.

You need to read this and listen to the radio clips before you post anything more. I don't think you really understand the situation and are acting on emotions.

I see what you meen. And see the logic behind it. I guess I have to do what has the best overall chances for all involved. Won't be easy at all. But I do understand it overall. Now how best to really fix the marraige. There are obviously still issues, trust, intimacy and on her part I feel a lack of effort to rebuild making me feel as if I matter most. I'm the 1 and only man and she actually wants me. To be honest our intimate life consist of of no passion, If I feel the need to be intimate, it's always an okay let's hurry up or a bargain to do something. Never engages me and therefore I feel as I'm not the man she would be with, if things had went as she wanted back then. As when the affair started she was highly sexually active with him, even as far as researching more and better ways to please a man to make him want to leave his wife and a list of other obsessive type behavior as she was desperate for him. Coming back into this marraige I have yet to feel half that effort directed towards me. It's as if we are not so close friends who she allows to have sex with her so I'll stick around or somthing. I don't know how to change it, and she either doesn't get it or doesn't want to when I express it to her. I feel she has no desire for intimacy with me, and she never engages any form other than a peck type kiss when leaving and some times but not often when she returns home. When I first found out about her affair this site helped me alot. I didn't register just read all the relating articles to try and save what I had. Seeing how things went in my experience I can't deny this is the place to help me. So leaving oc and ow out of our life, what's next?

Was going to is not doing. Two separate five letter words that even though they share four common letters they are no way close to having a similar meaning.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda

Marcus, we can help you turn this around and your wife will fall in love with you again if you both will commit to this program. Will she come here and post?

No, she most likely would not. Might even get upset if she knew I was as her logic is to act like it didn't happen or run away from problems rather than face and discuss. Would probably become an issue and accusation of me not letting go and bringing it up again

So this is where I would start. Tell her that you want to have a romantic, passionate, affair proof marriage and ask her to join you in this program. The program you need is in the books Survivng an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. You would start off by affair proofing your marriage.

Can you go through this check list and tell us where you stand on each item?
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.