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Not yet.
To date I am still acquiescing to her desire to prove it isn't a drinking problem or alcoholism.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Not yet.
To date I am still acquiescing to her desire to prove it isn't a drinking problem or alcoholism. So, how can we help?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Not yet.
To date I am still acquiescing to her desire to prove it isn't a drinking problem or alcoholism. A drinking problem is defined by drinking that causes a problem. That has already been established. That is why we are having this conversation. So playing along with her ploy only serves to give credence to something you know is not true.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2003
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Not yet.
To date I am still acquiescing to her desire to prove it isn't a drinking problem or alcoholism. A drinking problem is defined by drinking that causes a problem. That has already been established. That is why we are having this conversation. So playing along with her ploy only serves to give credence to something you know is not true. And how do I get her to agree that it is a drinking problem? I can't. I'd hazard to guess that she would argue that point. I know that she doesn't fully incorporate POJA like Dr Harley would recommend we do. Despite the counseling she prefers to pick the parts of the program or levels in which one incorporates the MB program. Remember she doesn't like people telling her what she should do (FYI today's radio show is hitting on this. I'm listening.) I've already stated I'm pretty certain she has a drinking problem and she can't control it. Your next step is mandate the drinking stop or separate. I'm not prepared to do that just yet.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I've already stated I'm pretty certain she has a drinking problem and she can't control it. Your next step is mandate the drinking stop or separate. I'm not prepared to do that just yet. Once again, how can we help?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I sent her a letter the other day and she took her time but she just now replied. Here is what she had to say when I asked her to seek professional help so that we could decide whether or not she quit drinking completely. I am responding to the letter that you wrote.
First off: You said that you would like me to seek professional help and that you are not happy with the plan that I made.
This is a perfect example of what I was trying to tell you that you do that I would love it if it were changed.
You told me that you did not like my getting drunk and drinking all of the time. I agreed and came up with a plan that I thought that I could do and would meet your request to not drink all of the time and not get drunk.
At first you seemed to agree with it and I was very happy but then you decided that you didn�t like my plan
And thought it should be different because you saw some �red flags�. I am not perfect. I am trying very hard
And thought that I was doing really well. I told you that I would still like to drink because I like to go out and
Have a few but that it would now be just that�.a few. I am sure there will be times that I have more than you
Think I should but remember, I have to want to do this or it will not be successful. Either way if I continue
Like I did last week to not drink during the week and only a few on the weekends I would think that would
Be a big change and feel that you should be ok with that because it gets us both what we want. I know that
You don�t want to drink but that is you, not me. I am also aware that, as I told you, if I can�t keep it under
Control then maybe I will need to seek help but since it has only been a week, and I stuck to the plan that I
Had, I do not think that I need outside help. Changes are not going to happen overnight. This will take time.
Like I said this, is an example of the fact that when you want to make changes you want them done your way or they do not seem to be good enough. I understand your concern that I have a problem, I am working on that problem, and if my way does not work would be willing to consider a different approach. I would love it if that could be good enough. You commented that I was not putting you first if I did not do it your way. I do not think that is fair. I feel that this is putting you first without out me loosing myself in the deal. I enjoy hanging with friends and having a few but I let that get way out of hand and am trying to change that. So far I have been successful but I need your support, not criticism to continue. Isn�t the fact that it has changed for the better the ultimate goal anyway?
You said that you had found your re-attraction and desire to me even though my appearance is not what you would like it to be and now are looking for SF. It has only been a week and I am sorry that I don�t yet feel that we are close enough that this would be an option. Right now it would feel like�.hey I decided that I want this to work, spread em��.i know that sounds crass and that it is your way of feeling close but we have both spend a long time closed off towards each other and I just am not quite ready to take it to the next level. Can we just give all of this some time?
Hopefully you understand what I am trying to say that I need. I am very glad that we are working on this and hope we can find a way to make this work that makes us both happy.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I've already stated I'm pretty certain she has a drinking problem and she can't control it. Your next step is mandate the drinking stop or separate. I'm not prepared to do that just yet. Once again, how can we help? You probably can't. But thanks.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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And how do I get her to agree that it is a drinking problem? I can't. Why do you need to get her to agree that it is a drinking problem, MrA? Is that something MelodyLane, SugarCane, or one of the other excellent posters here recommended to you? Is getting her to agree she has a problem one of the steps in Dr. Harley's marital recovery plan? You are fixating on something you don't need to do. Notice this, stop doing it, and move on with the plan! Do you have a todo list made yet of the recommendations that have been given to you?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You mean pack my bags and separate?
I'm pretty sure that is the list. Mandate that she quit drinking, find counseling and if she says no then it's time to protect myself.
Edited to add:
Prior to making mandates to quit drinking I ask her to go on the radio show.
As you can see I asked her to seek professional help and her reply was "Why? Why is my compromise not good enough for you? It's never good enough.".
Last edited by MrAlias; 01/12/16 01:03 PM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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This is why I want you to write Dr. Harley. He once specialized in addictions and can help you with this.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When the wife is not interested in doing Marriage Builders, the husband needs to increase his involvement in Marriage Builders about 1000%. He has to carry the load. He can't be the one who doesn't know what Dr. Harley would recommend a guy do in his situation. He can't be the one not listening to the radio show.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Stay with us this time and become a Marriage Builders full-timer.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Not yet.
To date I am still acquiescing to her desire to prove it isn't a drinking problem or alcoholism. A drinking problem is defined by drinking that causes a problem. That has already been established. That is why we are having this conversation. So playing along with her ploy only serves to give credence to something you know is not true. And how do I get her to agree that it is a drinking problem? I can't. I'd hazard to guess that she would argue that point. I know that she doesn't fully incorporate POJA like Dr Harley would recommend we do. Despite the counseling she prefers to pick the parts of the program or levels in which one incorporates the MB program. Remember she doesn't like people telling her what she should do (FYI today's radio show is hitting on this. I'm listening.) I've already stated I'm pretty certain she has a drinking problem and she can't control it. Your next step is mandate the drinking stop or separate. I'm not prepared to do that just yet. You don't need her to agree she has a drinking problem, you need her to respect your feelings and stop drinking. One of the reasons your marriage has never changed in all these years is because it is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic. They will always be checked out of the marriage because their passion lies with alcohol. And her comment that this will take time is a classic delaying tactic to get the spouse off her back. Please email Dr Harley with the problem and include your phone # so he can call you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Fridays show (1/8/16) covered this
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Also, they talked about it yesterday too.
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You are handling your wife's alcoholism just like my sister in law handled my younger brother's alcoholism. It is a well worn path. She enabled him just like you are now doing. It didn't end until he was dead.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Also, they talked about it yesterday too. Thanks Apples. The Android MB Radio app didn't list the days so so far I haven't been able to listen.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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It was a busy day yesterday so I didn't have time to put together an email to the Harleys. I will try to find some time to do so today.
In the meantime I'm trying to decide if I even reply back to my wife. She knows I'm not happy seeing I didn't reply yet.
Last edited by MrAlias; 01/13/16 06:32 AM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Also, they talked about it yesterday too. Thanks Apples. The Android MB Radio app didn't list the days so so far I haven't been able to listen. What specifically is the issue? Yesterday's show is now playing until 1 PM CST today. If you start listening before 1 PM, the link to that show will persist until your device dismisses the media player. As long as you don't hit the stop button or do so many other things on your phone that the system releases the media player from memory, you can keep listening to the same show for days. As far as the app not listing the days, I don't understand your comment.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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