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We've been trying to implement the concepts. We've been working on emotional needs, but he hasn't finished Love Busters yet so we haven't been able to discuss it. I have the radio app- that's how I've been listening to the show every day. You both need to eliminate lovebusters. It is not just enough to read the book and then go brawl with your husband. You have to follow the advice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong" Continuing the discussion when he needed a time out WAS wrong. Don't do it anymore, and move on. But what if I felt like I didn't do anything to make him lose his temper? It's really frustrating. I didn't talk to him in a rude way. When he asks you to stop you should stop.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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2 things I see...
1. Something we have discovered is my husband is terribly offended by face-to-face complaints. I write complaints in a journal he reads privately. He then brings the discussion to me at a time when he is not emotional. Perhaps a similar method would work well for y'all.
2. The two of you do not make a schedule together; therefore, both of you assume things about the available time. Start scheduling UA time, 20+ hours per week would be best until you re-capture the feeling of love. Also include time for family commitment of you have children. Then, there would be no confuse about what times are reserved for the marriage. Good advice. Thanks. The frustrating thing was I thought we had already scheduled that time, but he thought it was tentative. I guess we should write it down.
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I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong" Continuing the discussion when he needed a time out WAS wrong. Don't do it anymore, and move on. But what if I felt like I didn't do anything to make him lose his temper? It's really frustrating. I didn't talk to him in a rude way. Of course you didn't make him lose his temper. You just threw fuel on the fire by adding your own lovebusters to the mix.
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, since I never tried to force him to talk or said or implied there would be consequences if he didn't. I do realize that it's not a good idea, though. I rarely lose my temper and always try to speak to him respectfully. I feel like what happened today was less of a fight and more him getting mad at me and me trying to resolve things. When he asks you to stop, STOP. Forcing yourself on him is controlling and only fuels the fire. You can't resolve a problem with someone who is angry. Why do you keep saying I forced myself on him? He wasn't forced to listen or respond. I was speaking to him respectfully.
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, But it is, regardless of what you think. Maybe, but how can I tell what's a selfish demand and what isn't? I thought a selfish demand was demanding that someone do something or face the consequences.
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Why do you keep saying I forced myself on him? He wasn't forced to listen or respond. I was speaking to him respectfully. When you continue a conversation that your husband wants to get out of, you are forcing yourself on him. You may not understand it, but you are. It is a demand, and just as much as a lovebuster as his angry outbursts. If you want to have a happy marriage, you will stop it. Even if you don't understand.
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I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong" Continuing the discussion when he needed a time out WAS wrong. Don't do it anymore, and move on. But what if I felt like I didn't do anything to make him lose his temper? It's really frustrating. I didn't talk to him in a rude way. When he asks you to stop you should stop. I know. The issue now is the ultimatum he's given me that something bad will happen if I don't agree with him that my behavior was outrageous and wrong.
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, But it is, regardless of what you think. Maybe, but how can I tell what's a selfish demand and what isn't? I thought a selfish demand was demanding that someone do something or face the consequences. If your spouse asks you to stop, and you don't, you are making a demand.
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I know. The issue now is the ultimatum he's given me that something bad will happen if I don't agree with him that my behavior was outrageous and wrong. Your behavior was a lovebuster and very destructive.
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, But it is, regardless of what you think. Maybe, but how can I tell what's a selfish demand and what isn't? I thought a selfish demand was demanding that someone do something or face the consequences. He didn't demand that you *DO* something. He asked you to STOP doing something. A spouse should tell his spouse when he/she is doing something that bothers him so you can stop. That is not a "demand." A selfish demand is when you demand that your spouse DO something usually coupled with a threat. "If you don't have sex with me I will divorce you."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, But it is, regardless of what you think. Maybe, but how can I tell what's a selfish demand and what isn't? I thought a selfish demand was demanding that someone do something or face the consequences. If your spouse asks you to stop, and you don't, you are making a demand. What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful?
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? if your spouse asks you to stop, YOU STOP. You are being disrespectful if you don't.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, But it is, regardless of what you think. Maybe, but how can I tell what's a selfish demand and what isn't? I thought a selfish demand was demanding that someone do something or face the consequences. He didn't demand that you *DO* something. He asked you to STOP doing something. A spouse should tell his spouse when he/she is doing something that bothers him so you can stop. That is not a "demand." A selfish demand is when you demand that your spouse DO something usually coupled with a threat. "If you don't have sex with me I will divorce you." Right, so how is talking when someone asked to stop the conversation a selfish demand? I didn't threaten him or speak in a disrespectful way. And he didn't say "it bothers me when I try to end a conversation and you keep talking", or "this conversation is bothering me". He said "your behavior is unacceptable" and "I'm about to lose my temper. I'm ending this conversation". Is that not disrespectful and controlling?
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? if your spouse asks you to stop, YOU STOP. You are being disrespectful if you don't. What if he doesn't ask, but demands?
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? It is not a demand to ask you to stop doing something that is bothering him.
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? if your spouse asks you to stop, YOU STOP. You are being disrespectful if you don't. What if he doesn't ask, but demands? Telling you to stop doing something that is bothering him is not a demand. When your spouse asks you to stop, you stop. Period. Even if you don't understand why. Even if you think you could continue and everything will be okay. That is, if you want a happy marriage.
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Right, so how is talking when someone asked to stop the conversation a selfish demand? I didn't threaten him or speak in a disrespectful way. How is it that you don't understand you should STOP when he asks you to stop? Do you think that helps your marriage to continue talking to him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? if your spouse asks you to stop, YOU STOP. You are being disrespectful if you don't. What if he doesn't ask, but demands? Then stop it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? It is not a demand to ask you to stop doing something that is bothering him. He didn't ask me to stop talking to him. He said he was about to lose his temper and wasn't going to continue the conversation. And he won't characterize it as something that bothered him. He'll only characterize it as something that I did wrong.
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