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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? if your spouse asks you to stop, YOU STOP. You are being disrespectful if you don't. What if he doesn't ask, but demands? Telling you to stop doing something that is bothering him is not a demand. When your spouse asks you to stop, you stop. Period. Even if you don't understand why. Even if you think you could continue and everything will be okay. That is, if you want a happy marriage. I thought it was a demand unless he says "it bothers me when..."
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? It is not a demand to ask you to stop doing something that is bothering him. He didn't ask me to stop talking to him. He said he was about to lose his temper and wasn't going to continue the conversation. And he won't characterize it as something that bothered him. He'll only characterize it as something that I did wrong. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. When he needs to stop, then STOP. Do you want a happy marriage?
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? if your spouse asks you to stop, YOU STOP. You are being disrespectful if you don't. What if he doesn't ask, but demands? Then stop it. So he has the right to make demands? That's not damaging?
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I thought it was a demand unless he says "it bothers me when..." Can you stop this destructive behavior?
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? It is not a demand to ask you to stop doing something that is bothering him. He didn't ask me to stop talking to him. He said he was about to lose his temper and wasn't going to continue the conversation. And he won't characterize it as something that bothered him. He'll only characterize it as something that I did wrong. It seems you are in the habit of arguing and brawling. How do you think that helps your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are wasting your time trying to justify your lovebusters.
Seriously, even if he SCREAMED at you to stop, that doesn't give you permission to continue rattling on. You don't get to lovebust just because your spouse lovebusted first.
Can you stop?
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So he has the right to make demands? That's not damaging? If you won't stop this, I predict he is going to divorce you. Is that what you want?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? It is not a demand to ask you to stop doing something that is bothering him. He didn't ask me to stop talking to him. He said he was about to lose his temper and wasn't going to continue the conversation. And he won't characterize it as something that bothered him. He'll only characterize it as something that I did wrong. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. When he needs to stop, then STOP. Do you want a happy marriage? From what I've read/heard from Dr. Harley, it's very important how one asks for things, because it can be hurtful to ask the wrong way. I'll have a happy marriage if I don't let being spoken to disrespectfully bother me? Just to be clear, I'm not refusing to stop. I just have a problem with the way it's being asked for because it seems disrespectful. And I don't know how to respond to his demand that I agree with him that my behavior was "utterly disgusting" and done out of a desire for "stubborn gratification".
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What if the spouse demands that you stop? If you don't stop, you're then somehow making a demand yourself, even if your spouse was being disrespectful? It is not a demand to ask you to stop doing something that is bothering him. He didn't ask me to stop talking to him. He said he was about to lose his temper and wasn't going to continue the conversation. And he won't characterize it as something that bothered him. He'll only characterize it as something that I did wrong. It seems you are in the habit of arguing and brawling. How do you think that helps your marriage? I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time.
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From what I've read/heard from Dr. Harley, it's very important how one asks for things, because it can be hurtful to ask the wrong way. I'll have a happy marriage if I don't let being spoken to disrespectfully bother me? Just to be clear, I'm not refusing to stop. I just have a problem with the way it's being asked for because it seems disrespectful. And I don't know how to respond to his demand that I agree with him that my behavior was "utterly disgusting" and done out of a desire for "stubborn gratification". You can agree that your behavior was a destructive lovebuster. And you can agree to stop it. From what I have read/heard from Dr Harley, it's very important that one eliminate lovebusters. Will you do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time. Then why do you argue and brawl? There are now 3 whole pages of you arguing with us. That would drive most spouses crazy. What is so hard about just stopping when your spouse asks you to stop?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From what I've read/heard from Dr. Harley, it's very important how one asks for things, because it can be hurtful to ask the wrong way. I'll have a happy marriage if I don't let being spoken to disrespectfully bother me? Just to be clear, I'm not refusing to stop. I just have a problem with the way it's being asked for because it seems disrespectful. And I don't know how to respond to his demand that I agree with him that my behavior was "utterly disgusting" and done out of a desire for "stubborn gratification". You will not have a happy marriage if you keep doing what you are doing. There's a right way and a wrong way to handle things when you feel disrespected. You use the worksheets. You don't keep rattling on when he wants to stop talking, even if he asks in the wrong way. You don't get to lovebust just because he lovebusted first. So, from now on, when he wants to stop talking about something, are you going to let him? Are you going to drop the conversation?
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It seems like you are just here to get validation to demonize your husband. You don't want to hear how destructive your own behavior is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time. Then why do you argue and brawl? There are now 3 whole pages of you arguing with us. That would drive most spouses crazy. What is so hard about just stopping when your spouse asks you to stop? Life got a lot better for me when I stopped arguing with my husband. He was left to have an angry outburst in an empty room, with only silence from me.
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You are wasting your time trying to justify your lovebusters.
Seriously, even if he SCREAMED at you to stop, that doesn't give you permission to continue rattling on. You don't get to lovebust just because your spouse lovebusted first.
Can you stop? I'm not trying to justify anything. I know it was a mistake to keep talking to him. I just wanted some empathy instead of people telling me I'm wrong all the time. It's hard living with someone with a short fuse. And I really just wanted advice about how to respond to his threat about leaving or hitting the ceiling if I don't agree with him.
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This plan doesn't work if you don't follow it. You're not following it, and I predict a catastrophic failure unless you do something to change.
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I'm not trying to justify anything. I know it was a mistake to keep talking to him. I just wanted some empathy instead of people telling me I'm wrong all the time. It's hard living with someone with a short fuse. And I really just wanted advice about how to respond to his threat about leaving or hitting the ceiling if I don't agree with him. You just wanted someone to validate your bad behavior like I suggested earlier. But that will not help your marriage. We gave you advice about how to respond to him: STOP IT. Admit you were destructive and committed a lovebuster. Tell him you will stop it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From what I've read/heard from Dr. Harley, it's very important how one asks for things, because it can be hurtful to ask the wrong way. I'll have a happy marriage if I don't let being spoken to disrespectfully bother me? Just to be clear, I'm not refusing to stop. I just have a problem with the way it's being asked for because it seems disrespectful. And I don't know how to respond to his demand that I agree with him that my behavior was "utterly disgusting" and done out of a desire for "stubborn gratification". You can agree that your behavior was a destructive lovebuster. And you can agree to stop it. From what I have read/heard from Dr Harley, it's very important that one eliminate lovebusters. Will you do that? I can try, but that wasn't what he demanded.
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You can agree that your behavior was a destructive lovebuster. And you can agree to stop it. From what I have read/heard from Dr Harley, it's very important that one eliminate lovebusters. Will you do that? I can try, but that wasn't what he demanded. [/quote] You don't need to "try," you can do this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time. Then why do you argue and brawl? There are now 3 whole pages of you arguing with us. That would drive most spouses crazy. What is so hard about just stopping when your spouse asks you to stop? I don't feel like I've been arguing with you. I feel like I've been trying to clarify my situation, and ask for clarification about identifying love busters. He never said me continuing to talk to him was a love buster, btw.
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