Remember, "God can open doors no man can close, and God can close doors no man can open."

Free will or not - remember GOD IS IN CONTROL! He holds you in His hands.....remember that! It'll all work out for the best FOR YOU.

You really need to quit reading his emails if you're not going to get an IM. You will keep feeling this way and not heal AT ALL.

I can't keep stating how much you need a dark Plan B. Keeping in contact with a wayward is only going to hurt your mental and emotional state. You reading his emails in hoping he has changed only does you harm. Do you not understand this???

Thanks. Hard to be strong and stand in the gap for my marriage when I read the great big heaping pile of crap.

This is why you need to STOP reading them.

Have you explained Plan B to your friends and explained how you need it to heal and they still won't be an IM?

You're right Brain...it does keep me in a state of hurt in hoping that I read something hopeful.

We were only in contact over the one thing we have in common. The truck pymt...which was due today...and NOT paid...he didn't have time. It's like he's using the truck as his way of keeping in contact. If I go off script even a little in not being strictly business he smashes me with nastiness. Why? I've been nothing but nice since D day and I think it pisses him off worse.

Because he is wayward and only cares about himself. You must start protecting yourself.

Have you explained Plan B to your friends and family?? And no one will help you be an email filter?? For your health??

Yes I've explained it. But the people that know are close friends and family. SAA book says it shouldn't be close people.

Ive had no contact for weeks...only once a month for a couple days regarding the truck pymt...that's it. No other common bills...no kids together. Just the truck.

One of the things that amazed me in reading about all the BS's, was how SIMILAR all the stories were! Believe it or not, this gave me hope! My WH was just caught up in the A, and following the script to the letter. The result for me was that I was able to maintain my sanity by staying above it all, and NOT letting it get to me! It was expected behavior, and I understood that this was an alien....so not to get caught up in it, and get more and more depressed. Don't get me wrong! I was depressed - at first. I was confused - at first. I was angry - you get the idea! But once I got to this site, and read everything....and lots of other people's situations, I realized how much similarity there was. It truly gave me hope. THIS MANY PEOPLE - who were telling success stories about their marriages saved - couldn't all be lying about it! lol

Finally, let me ask something you've been asked before. Why can you not sell the truck? Yes, I've read - he's driving it, he needs it, he's supposed to be making the payments, blah, blah. Well, he's NOT. And it's making you angry and depressed. Hun, you've got to get OVER this truck thing. You've got to shed yourself of everything that is tying you to him in his current state.

He's angry. Too bad. This is HIS mess, not yours! HE is the one not living up to the agreement to make the truck payment, so if it gets taken away from him, that's part of the consequences of his bad choices. He'll get over it, he'll make new arrangements. And truthfully? Can he be any more "angry" at you, and hurtful than he's trying to be right now?

You need to protect YOU right now. If that means get financially secure by tightening up your finances, so be it. Please consider what needs to happen with that truck. It is YOUR responsibility, and right now, those are decisions YOU need to make. Your husband is visiting an alien planet. DO NOT count on him making rational decisions.

In Plan B you don't see or talk to him until he agrees to end contact with the affair partner and follow a plan of marital reconciliation.

So if they haven't done that, you don't read what they write.

If you are reading what your spouse writes, you're not doing the program (YNDTP).

The recovery program works when followed, and we want you to recover!

The truck is in my name ONLY. He is not on it. The divorce is filed therefore I cannot sell it or do anything with the assets of which the truck is one. I can't make two car pymts. Yet I can't have it be late either or it will ding my credit...which I can't have for my job. That's the only reason I've been in contact.

Everything but the truck is dark..NC...but I slipped up today talking about how I've been praying for reconciliation. Big mistake. Slammed in an epic way really hurt.

You probably need to talk to both your lawyer and the loan company holding the paper on the truck about this. Can you call both of them tomorrow and try to resolve this?

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it's not helping your mental state at all.

Credit union said he has to apply to refinance it into his name. Court isn't til 3/3 for mediation so until we get permission to mess around with it I am stuck dealing with his crap.

Hospitalization because your dirtbag wayward spouse drove you nuts is also bad for your credit and your career.

YNDTP

At Marriage Builders we list the obstacles that make it difficult for us to follow the plans - and then we develop plans to OVERCOME them. We don't just say "I can't do the plan." People who do that don't recover.

YES, there are things that make it difficult for you to follow the plan, so you have to take note of that and figure out HOW to follow the plan.

You are not going to recover if you don't follow the plan. You are going to end up sick, crazy, nuts, or dead.

This is not a support forum for people to not do the plan - this is a place where we encourage each other to keep problem solving, solve the problems, and follow the plan.

Yes. THIS!!!

You cannot make him refinance the truck.

Right now, it's YOUR truck. You can do whatever YOU want to do with it.

Make the decisions best for YOU. Period.

Hi Alwayslookingup. I have been following your story. ((Hugs))

What do you mean by this?

Why do you feel it is your responsibility to stand in a gap (what gap?) for your marriage when your husband has left you?

Is this referring to a doctrinal belief that you may never remarry anyone but your original "covenant spouse"? And that you need to pray for reconciliation to your original covenant spouse for the rest of your life while you "stand in the gap" for him until he returns?

If so, this belief may be hampering your ability to detach well enough to implement a better plan B.

I am a Christian also, and went through quite a spiritual journey to learn that the doctrines regarding divorce I had been taught (and then further assumed to be correct myself) were far more simplistic than the Bible's teaching. The more I studied - and I spent 100's of hours on it! - the more my studies led me to understand that Dr. Harley's methods and teachings about marriage and divorce (which to me initially seemed very liberal) were actually deeply and correctly biblical.

If you are a "stander", most of them are very fervent in their beliefs - and sincerely so - but they are looking at the issue without pulling the WHOLE counsel of the Bible together. There is much more dimension in the Bible about the marital relationship than the Matthew verse about committing adultery if you marry another. Much much more dimension.

In that case, then I also wanted to alert those helping you that you may need some help or extra propping in this area.


Truly - like markos said, you will drive yourself nuts and hurt yourself if you are spending any mental energy on standing in a gap instead of following the plan. I can speak from experience of being so held up by my doctrines that I damaged my health by wavering around.

If you are not a stander, then my apologies for interjecting.

You are wrong about that. You absolutely can sell the truck. What you cannot do is take the proceeds as personal property and not use then to pay off the debt because the proceeds are marital. Nothing in the divorce filing says that all assets are frozen, just that marital assets are identified as such and need to be divided.

In any case, this truck is not an asset because you owe more on it than it is worth. Go to the company that sold it to you or to the lender and see what you can work out with them. If you can make this cash neutral, you will come out smelling like a rose to the divorce court.

I will ask my atty about selling it. Thanks!