I posted this in the Marriage builders 101 forum, but I am new and not sure if it belongs here instead. Mods, sorry if I've broken any rules posting it here too. Please delete if so, and again sorry!

Im new here and I have a really complicated and long question...

Background info (sorry it's so long!)

My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years, and together for 20. We have two kids, ages 7 and 4. Our eldest has special needs, due to being born extremely prematurely at 23 weeks (not a typo). Our 4 year old was also early, but only by 7 weeks. Their early births were caused by a violent rape that happened to me, when I was only 16 (I'm now almost 37). I carry an enormous amount of grief and guilt over their early births, because I feel had I left the extremely violent relationship I was in, which lead to the rape....before it happened, my kids would not have suffered...especially our eldest. I know in my head, that it was not my fault. But my heart is a very different story.

After the rape, I did not seek the help I should have and suffered for the past 20 years with extreme bouts of PTSD. My current relationship with my husband, early on there was some physical abuse, pushing and grabbing. Plus a lot of very cruel mental, emotional and verbal abuse. He told me I was worthless, my parents/friends hated me, I was a terrible mom (I'm not) and the list goes on. He also lied to me several times about watching porn, which I really didn't care that he did...but I did care that he lied repeatedly about it.

He went to anger management, we sought some therapy and things got better.

Until about two years ago, when I suddenly got extremely sick...I was diagnosed with gastric ulcers, that have been bleeding to the point I have had over ten blood transfusions in the past two years. My dr cannot get them under control despite trying endless medications and scopes. My anemia is so severe I am constantly dizzy, weak, I've lost over 60lbs (I'm 5'10 and currently weigh about 115lbs...at my lowest I was 98lbs), I can barely function. Thus my husband has been a single parent for the past two years basically.

The stress of this has caused endless issues, from money problems, arguing, and the verbal/emotional/mental abuse began again. He basically blames me for getting sick and tells me I am a terrible mom, because I can't function as a parent as much as I should. Which kills me inside, because it's out of my control. To top it off my heart dog, died when I first got sick....she was my rock, I know that might sound crazy but she was a source of comfort I didn't have to feel guilty crying around/on, which kept my PTSD under more control...

However in the past year (maybe a bit less) my PTSD has exploded and two weeks ago things got extremely out of control. I typically do not drink, in fact I had not drank in over three years but on the 20th 'anniversary' of the night I was raped....I woke up to a message from the man who raped me (he has a restraining order, yet every year without fail...he contacts me on the 'anniversary' day to torment and remind me of what he did). His message (from his wife's Facebook account) caused me to have endless flashbacks, him on top of me, the sound of him and our male roommate (who also raped me, while my BF held me down to let him) rattling around trying to find pliers, to open a coat hanger...which they used to 'prevent pregnancy' and 'hide evidence'. By the evening I had, had enough and I drank 3-4 shots of vodka. I fell asleep (I take a sleeping pill, due to bouts of insomnia which come from my PTSD. Which I took earlier in the evening) on the couch, I woke about a 1.5 hours later, feeling sober. I didn't get up from the couch, because the flashbacks began again with crippling vengeance and so I stupidly drank as much as I could. I know how totally stupid that was, and there is no excuse for self medicating...ever.

The next thing I remember my husband was dressing me, I was so drunk....I had no idea who he was. I should explain that the night I was raped, after my boyfriend and roommate finally passed out. I took an entire bottle of Tylenol and walked downstairs to my neighbour and friends apartment to ask them to call 911, I told them I had taken the meds and it was very evident by the bruising/swelling on my battered face....I had been beaten, I did not mention being raped.

Also two days before I drank, I had fainted and smashed my face (eye/cheekbone) on the coffee table and then the ground due to my anemia. Leaving me with a very bad black eye.

My husband called 911 because I was non-responsive at times (I had nearly 3 times the legal amount of alcohol in my system, terrible I know. I'm so ashamed to say that) and when the ambulance came...things played out almost exactly like the night I was raped. I was so drunk, and had no idea what I was saying. The EMT's asked if I had been hit by my husband and apparently I said that he had 'hurt' me...but I meant in the past, and despite trying to explain this in my drunken state. The police arrested my husband. He was released of course, because when I finally sobered up in the ER I explained repeatedly what had really happened.

When I was released, I came home to an empty house. I texted my husband, knowing he was likely EXTREMELY angry (rightly so) and asked if he wanted me to leave. He did, and said if I didn't he would call the police on me. I told him I just wanted one more night in my own bed, because he had a place to stay and had our kids....and to be perfectly honest...li was extremely hung over. I told him I had only hurt myself the night before, with my drinking. He misunderstood this, as me saying I was trying to hurt myself. I wasn't, I have never wanted to hurt myself nor would I.

My husband called the cops. They came and as a result of the drinking and the fact I had ONE sleeping pill in my system, I was certified under the mental health act. Because the dr felt I would be safer under their care, because I self medicated. I spent eight days in the psych ward, being repeatedly told I had personality disorder traits by my husband and my family, because until two days before I was released....I didn't remember what happened or what lead up to my drinking. Three doctors said I had no mental health issues, but regardless my husband now doesn't trust me, thought I was going to hurt myself, said I was not allowed to come home when released, said I couldn't see our kids alone, and wants a divorce.

I was (am) extremely hurt by this, but I also knew I needed to get help. And how I have been functioning these past basically 20 years, is extremely unhealthy and hurtful. I admitted to my husband that I had lied or told him things a few times in the past two years...that were either old pieces of information and twice totally untrue things. I did it simply to hurt him, after bouts of him emotionally abusing me. Which in no way shape or form makes it ok. And is not an excuse. I know how wrong I was for doing so.

Before I was released, my husband spoke to one of my dr's and was told I was not a danger to anyone. And had no mental health issues that he could see, or any other doctor had seen. However, I was not able to speak to my dr and tell him that/what I remembered about the night I drank.....until after he talked to my husband. After I had a chance to speak to him, he said I for sure have PSTD and not personal disorder traits, and would not have told my husband I did.

Anyways, I left the hospital armed with therapy, a psych Doctor, and substance abuse group...because I NEVER want to end up where I was, ever again. I wanted/asked for each of those things, myself. The doctors did not suggest them.

I was suppose to stay at a male friends house when I was released but knowing he has feelings for me, I felt like that was a very poor choice. So I called my husband and he said I could come home. But still wants divorce, has been sleeping in our kids room....and basically refuses to go to therapy to even try to save our marriage.

I fully understand his feelings, except for a few....for example he keeps saying he can't trust me, fair enough. I lied. But so did he, he has broken my trust not only by lying porn and a few other smaller things....he broke my trust in feeling safe around him, mentally and emotionally. Yet I stayed and tried to work on our marriage...because I love him, and I knew with work...he could be a healthier person.

I also cannot understand why he keeps saying he is not allowing his emotions to play a part in his choice. Yet call me crazy, is that not an important part of this? He says he loves me. In fact my mom is dying and literally has maybe a couple of weeks left at best. He is comforting me, hugging me and holding me without me asking him too....whenever he thinks or sees I'm falling apart sad due to deep loss, I know is coming...

He is still treating me like he always has, except we are not being physical and don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have been helping out and being a present parent as much as I can, which is a HUGE improvement. I've only been home about a week now and every single day I've spent the entire day with my kids, cleaned up the house, cooked for everyone, and done everything I can physically do. I am currently in need of a transfusion but I am simply pushing myself to do everything I can, but also.....I have such a weight off my shoulders that I am getting help with my PTSD finally.

My questions after this extremely long essay, I'm sorry! Are....

Am I wrong to try to push for us, to at least try to see my husband can trust me again with time and therapy?

Am I wrong to compare his breaking of trust, with mine? If so why/how?

Do you think that there is a chance this marriage can be saved?

Any opinions, answers, thoughts would be deeply appreciated....and I am not a snowflake....and hate sugar coating. So please don't hold back. If I'm wrong, or whatever....I want to know.

Thanks!