Good advice...thanks!

The thing I'm worried about is - are these really your conditions?

Are you determined that you will not accept him back when the affair ends, unless he is dealing vigorously with his anger and substance abuse? If he can't prove that he is in effective programmes for both those things, will you turn him away, as you should?

Your posts have been so desperate to get back with him. All you have wanted is for the affair to end. You've been shopping around on forums, looking for the magic bullet that will make the affair end so that he will come home. You have not seen that his conduct during the past year is a complete backsliding into his out-of-control, addicted life. You have never insisted that he deals with the other, very serious issues that make marriage to him impossible.

Have you really resolved that you will only consider reconciliation if he becomes a different man?

Oh heck no...he's not welcome back until all those issues are resolved...the affair ending is just the start. So in that regard I'm desperate for the affair to end...but I have ZERO interest in him until other issues are worked on with significant proof of improvement.

That is great! And I want to explain why your previous "Plan C" was not effective. First off, it comes across to him as plan "cold shoulder" while keeping you distraught from the continued drip, drip, drip of contact. It actually makes you look MUCH LESS attractive by hanging around making yourself available as his option. it also keeps you in a persistent state of distress, which is not good for your mental health. By going into Plan B, you raise your value by raising the price of admission. That is the only thing likely to motivate him to change.

Dr. Harley calls the plan you were in "Plan C," and says it is the most likely to lead to divorce. And your marriage may very well end in divorce, but you want to exhaust your options. He addresses it here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2798

Great explanation...great radio broadcast...thanks!

The IM training link is in here for you to send your cousin.

Well there is no contact. He blocked her cell phone and her email. He sent me an email before I figured out how to block his emails from reaching me. So unless he unblocks her there will be NO communication at all...which is kinda scary since I will not know if he pays his obligation

Not sure why he takes such great offense to this action. He says he's never coming back and divorce is pending. I would think he would be relieved to NOT have to deal with me over this one issue (truck pymt)....grrrrrr

That doesn't make any sense. If you are in Plan B you would not have communication anyway. You do understand you are not to contact him in Plan B, right? You just sent him a letter telling him you would not be in contact.

Nor do you need to stay in touch with him anyway to find out if he made a payment. All you have to do is call the debtor and ask. And I sure would not count on him to pay anything unless it is court mandated. Waywards are NOT reliable bill payers. You need to make other plans.

No I have not been in contact with WH since I sent your plan B letter this afternoon. WH was sending me emails in rapid succession before I found the block his email function about how he will not use IM for anything...that we can have no communication vs using IM...that we can just email business only. I did not respond. I had to google how yo block his emails. Took me 10min to find it.

You'd think he would be THRILLED to have no contact.

And yes you're right I can call bank. One of last emails to get thru before being blocked said he would try to pay tmrw or Monday at the latest. Right after telling me I can't block email...that all I can do is choose not read his emails...that he tried long ago to block me. Yet i found how to block. He must not have tried that hard.

Good girl!! Just stick with it. He will either communicate with your IM or you won't get his messages!

Isn't that the most curious thing??

More like confusing

I can imagine it is confusing. It was confusing to me too years ago. Now I just expect it and tell disbelieving betrayed spouses to expect. They never believe me at first!

It's all about control.

WS's LIKE "having their cake and eating it, too!" They don't want to totally lose that contact with H or W, even though they SAY they do!

I understand the fog...but if the WH wants out...says he's done...never coming back...it was wrong to marry to begin with...it's all my fault...and...already filed for divorce in addition to the A....why on earth would the WH balk at using an IM?

Yeah...it sure seems like control...sheesh