Hi everyone, I'd appreciate some advice on my situation. I've been with my fianc� for almost 2 years, engaged for a month and a half. He is a very caring guy, very smart, and extremely attractive to me. We are both late 20s/early 30s.
I am starting my first year of grad school in August. He is in his last year of professional school and must take steps toward his post-graduation plan, including what he will do and where he (and thus, I) will be located. For many months now, we've had endless conversations in which we try to determine what the plan should be. Our most promising possibility has always involved us both enrolling at the same grad school in August (he would be picking up another degree).
So that he could apply to this school in time, he knew that he needed to study for and take the GRE over his winter break. He did a bit of this, but not nearly enough. Instead, he spent most of the time binge-watching TV and napping. He actually switched his nights and days so that the last two weeks of his vacation involved watching TV until 8 in the morning, crashing, and waking up again at about 5 or 6 pm.
Today, he suddenly remembered that his application deadline is in 3 weeks, and he must take the GRE asap for the school to receive his score in time. Since he hasn't studied, he will not do well on the math section (we've both gone over it and it is hardcore for people who haven't taken math in years). He is taking it late next week and can hopefully cram enough to get a score that the school won't reject.
What has he done since figuring that out? Watched some more TV and gone back to bed for a nap.
I am pissed, as you can probably tell. One of our primary goals has been to stay together next year, as we have done long distance before and it was awful. By procrastinating his application, he is now jeopardizing that and we are having to talk about backup plans that involve spending the next year entirely apart.
I did my absolute best to ensure that we would have a good chance of being together next year. Geographically, I applied very broadly and can now accommodate him in four major cities, with a fifth and sixth one probably (hopefully) coming back soon with a decision in my favor. I also applied first thing to the school we want to attend together and have gotten into that one. To facilitate all this, I spent a massive amount of time studying for the entrance exam, so that I could receive a score that many good schools would value, and I applied as early as possible. It is entirely up to him now to take it the rest of the way, and I fear that his procrastination is making him drop the ball.
I have read about procrastinating partners online and the advice is often that the person complaining will have to suck it up and do the work him/herself. Believe me, I have done this in the past. In last December's finals period, he procrastinated all of his papers until the week they were due despite us having agreed that he should be starting a month early (3 of them, about 40 pages of writing total in addition to exams) and I ended up working on them with him nonstop for two straight days. I don't know what he would have done if I hadn't been there.
But I cannot study for the GRE for him, or take it for him, and I also cannot email his professors and ask for letters of recommendation for him. I really, really do not want to write his application essay, though I suppose technically I could do that.
This has always been a problem. I used to be straight up with him and suggest that he work on a project or paper when possible. I would go over his timeline with him and try to get him to have work-dates with me. My attempts ranged from gently coaxing (didn't work) to bribery (worked somewhat) to yelling and frustration (I know, not good and didn't work). I can get him to promise future work, but when an evening comes where I suggest that he put in a few hours, he scoffs at me and goes to watch HBONow. If I say nothing, he just goes and watches HBONow. When disaster strikes in form of a missed deadline or rushed, sloppy assignment, he refuses all blame and has even tried to turn it back around on me as somehow being my fault.
So I don't say anything anymore. I let his winter break go by without ever mentioning that he might want to study, because I knew that he knew. When he talked about possible plans for the future and how much work they would force him to do to prepare, I said as little as possible. I slipped one time and casually mentioned that he hadn't studied for the GRE much (I'm sure I had an undercurrent of annoyance) and he immediately got defensive, so I immediately backed off.
This is starting to poison the rest of our relationship too. I am at the point where the noise of the TV in the next room, or him snoring at 4 pm, makes me seethe. It is hard to turn this off at other times. I get internally angry when he starts complaining about the deadlines that are crushing him (because usually, they wouldn't be crushing him if he had started earlier!).
I know that was a giant wall of text, and I appreciate it if you read this far. How can I possibly motivate my fianc� to study and implement his various plans for the future?
