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So I was here for quite a while, then I disappeared for quite a while to get some things squared away. A lot of things have changed, a lot has stayed the same. Right now I'd like to see who all is still here from the last thread (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841752&page=1) then I'd like to update my situation and maybe someone can learn from it. Holla.



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Would like an update, Blindsided.
How's your business idea coming along?
Are you feeling more positive about life?

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So...

What would you think if:

Your long lost buddy left you a voicemail asking if You would like to hear an update about HIS life?

And you texted back that you would love to hear about how he was doing, and how his new job was turning out.

And he didn't respond back...

Are you really StillHereNM?


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Hello! I still bang around the boards and stopped by to see how people were doing. Been wondering if you were on any of the Shark Tank episodes I've seen, lol.
Update when you can.

~RQ

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Good evening. So a quick update (especially for DQ), I still work for the state in Santa Fe, and the legislature is in session right now so I am very BUSY wink

I have my kids some extra time tonight and tomorrow - taking the day off to be with them and get some things done. Still divorced, still pining for the ex though something happened in June that I want to tell you all about. I will do so tomorrow when I have more time to sit and blather. It will explain a lot. Til then...


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Til then... smile

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**EDIT**


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*edit*

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That's enough. Do not disrupt this thread anymore with complaints about moderation.

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I thought I'd post while I still have time. You'll know what that means by the end of the post. If anyone has any advice for my situation, it would be welcome. Please understand that I have probably done everything I could think of to prevent my imminent situation.

Things were looking up for a while, but then everything went to sh*t since starting THIS thread. So I had been working at the state job, doing the 5:30am-6:30pm grind, seeing my kids on weekends, all that. Nothing had changed, it was the same routine for months and months. The ex wife is still dating the guy she cheated with. I found out, by the way, that he has been arrested FOUR times for battery on a household member. Anyway, she filed for additional child support last year and got it. The state is taking 45% of my take-home pay, even though I objected and was very clear to the hearing officer that I could not afford that. I was not lying.

Before then, though, something happened. Something long overdue and really awesome in the end. At the beginning of 2015, my health started to really go south. I had an ambulance called to the train station one morning because I literally felt like I was expiring during my morning commute. I was detaching from my body and I had all I could do to stay conscious. I was severely dehydrated. I got a liter of saline and went back to work. After receiving so much fluid, I discovered that I was experiencing acute kidney failure. My kidneys didn't work for a solid week, then they started working slowly. My legs got real big with fluid retention, and I still get some of that today after a particularly long day. I assume my kidneys no longer work at 100%. Anyway, I got to my primary care doc a few weeks later which was already scheduled. He examined me and informed me that people in my condition (extremely bloated from crohns) were usually in the hospital, not going to work every day like I was. He scheduled a battery of tests for the next morning, which went to him and a surgeon. The surgeon saw me the next day and scheduled me for a procedure. I was not in good shape.

Warning: Icky surgery talk.

The surgery was supposed to be an ileoplasty to widen a stricture that had become permanently scarred. Later that day after surgery she came in and explained what she had done. Turns out I had a well-developed fistula that had formed between my small bowel and large intestine as a result of the stricture. She removed 17cm of my small bowel, 5cm of large bowel, and my appendix for good measure.

She explained to me that she did not see the fistula until she was in there. In fact, no one had seen it - ever. I can tell you that it has existed since at least 2004 - two years into my marriage. Basically my colon was out of the loop entirely. It was being bypassed by the fistula and I had absorption problems with vitamins, minerals, and water. I won't elaborate there.

I could immediately tell that it was the reason for ALL of the problems I have been having. I had NO more pain. The pain was gone, and it was such a stark contrast to how I felt before the surgery, that it became immediately clear to me that my pain was so severe and so debilitating that it affected my marriage profoundly, in a negative way. I was quick to anger because my frustration level was always high because of the pain and the disabling effects of the fistula. I avoided intimacy because it HURT physically, and I was afraid I would lose bowel control during. Many times I came close. NOT sexy. It did not make me feel desirable at ALL. It went on for years and I really tried to not let it bother be because I assumed that it was simply life with this disease. It WASN'T. Nobody saw it so I lived with this thing for over a decade when I could have been feeling 1000% better. I am honestly not very happy with my doctors.

It is also the reason I was such a dickwhistle on here before and I apologize to anyone I offended. I am so chill now it is ridiculous. I have had no pain since the, either. I am still on meds to manage the disease, and so far zero flares and zero pain. I should mention that I do have one side effect of being healthy again - I got my appetite back. I didn't feel hunger at all for as long as I could remember, at least not the way normal people do. Well now I do. I was 175lbs before my surgery and now I am 210. Yikes. I managed to halt the gain, but now I need to lose the blubber. I still feel fantastic, though.

I was so excited to tell my ex wife about this, too, but I don't think she'd care, really. Frankly I don't think she'd believe me, either. My surgery was on June 1, 2015. I wrote her a letter Saturday night, finally. All I did was tell her what happened,basically what I said here but with some more detail. I then apologized for treating her badly and not being the person I could have been. I was careful not to blame my condition even though I can tell you that it had a LOT to do with it. I did not ask for reconciliation or anything. I just wanted her to have that information because i think she still sees me as that negative, angry jerk that she left. I'm back to the real me who she knew before we were married. I hope she believes me because she is still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thought before I go to bed.

So on to my immediate situation. The child support has left me broke again. I am in the process of moving out of my rental house, putting most of my belongings in storage. Feb 20th I was in a car accident which totaled my vehicle. My kids were with me and how my SUV did not flip over is up for interpretation. Knowing physics as I do, I am perplexed. So here it is 6 weeks later and I am finally expecting a check from the other guy's insurance company - the accident was his fault. I have been wanting to get a certain vehicle that is reliable but not too expensive, but waiting on the check might screw that up. I am getting something cheaper so that I can have some money left over since I need it. The accident was the last thing I needed at the worst possible time.

Monday I am homeless. I asked my parents if I could crash there for a couple months while I saved some money and challenged the child support - I did an accounting and found that I was $850 in the red every month, and I do not live fancy. Small rental house the same price as an apartment, $5-8 a day for food, basic necessities and that's it. The only extra money I'd spend would be on my kids. Anyway, my passive-aggressive control freak mother said no. Tough love and all that. She still thinks it's 1975 or something. She has no clue what it is like now, how expensive everything is.

Decent-paying IT job, and homeless. I'll be couch surfing and living in my vehicle until I can get the child support reduced (if I can), and I will be going to a credit repair agency to get my fido score high enough to get a mortgage on a cheap house. A mortgage would be a little over half of what my rent was. In the meantime there's a shower at work and I have a 24/7 key card to the building. The thing that kills me is that I won't be able to see my kids. Maybe dinner here and there after work, but I have no place for them to sleep or play.

How do you give advice for THIS nonsense?


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I wanted to put the following in a separate post.

My ex father-in-law, who had been my rock for a long time, who didn't approve of his daughter's actions, suddenly stopped responding to my calls last spring. We talked maybe once a month about different things, so I was surprised. After a while I heard that he was sick, so I didn't think much of it. I knew that he hadn't been feeling well. I still tried calling once in a while, but nobody picked up and no return calls.

Finally my ex wife told me that he had been diagnosed with ALS and that he wasn't doing good. She and the rest of her family kept it from me which upset me. I didn't say anything but I tried to find out more and nobody would talk.

Since my ex wife's father was not approving of her divorcing me, she distanced herself from him. She was mad at me because I still talked to him, which was his choice. We had become pretty close and he told me many times that his disapproval of her actions was based on his faith and not anything I had said. She still blamed me, though.

After she told me he had ALS, she felt the need to lash out at me pretty viciously. She blamed ME for "ruining their relationship" even though it was her who distanced herself from him. As you know, cheaters need to project fault and all that. I didn't hit back, though because I knew that she was feeling a lot of guilt and needed to lash out and I let her. She called me some pretty easy names which I won't repeat. Sadly I don't think she has reconciled with her father yet. She was out there this past weekend so I don't know what happened. Anyway, That's another big thing that I've had to deal with. I want to get out there and visit, but it seems like the universe has its boot on my neck.

I pray for him every night and still pray for my family to be restored. I'm probably delusional but nothing else really works for me - I've tried.


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Wow, how amazing that you found some relief! It sounds like you have a solid plan to get the rest in place, too.


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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Wow, how amazing that you found some relief! It sounds like you have a solid plan to get the rest in place, too.

I wish my plan was solid. I am basically winging it with no guarantee anything will work.


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Sorry I misunderstood. How about renting a room in a house to cut expenses? You might not have enough room for the kids to sleep over but it's important to keep up with seeing them, we can help you with ideas. What are their ages?

The schedule sounds so long for a state job, is it a long commute? How can we help you set up for success? If you want your marriage back we can help you plan for that too, give you the best chance. Their affair should fizzle out especially with his background.


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Originally Posted by StillHereNM
How do you give advice for THIS nonsense?
You already know that you need to find a place to live that you can afford, that allows you to meet your financial responsibilities for your children. Being homeless, and claiming that you cannot afford to support your kids, is going to confirm your wife's existing belief that you are not a solid, reliable, financially supportive husband and father.

On 4th March 2013 you wrote, "I have been unemployed/underemployed for over 3 years. I've been separated for almost a year in the hopes that I get back into a good-paying job that will support my family. Hasn't happened."

You were unemployed for three years while your wife was working through her last pregnancy, and you moved out never having shown her that you were back in a job and able to support the family. Now she's had to take you to court for the child support that she was clearly due, and the effect of your being made to pay this has been for you to become homeless and unable to see your kids.

This is a disastrous image for you to be projecting to the woman that you hope will go back to you, should her current relationship end. From her position, you are no more attractive than you were when you were unemployed and living with her. It's no good (silently) blaming your financial plight on the fact that you do not live with her in the marital home. If you want to be seen as an appealing prospect, you need to resolve your financial problems and show that you can support a family.

Your wife is a lot younger than you, and as such, she expects you to be able to support her and look after her. Indeed, financial support is a key emotional need for many women, but Dr Harley has observed that for women with a much older husband, her husband's reliability and being generally supportive is a key need that she has in her marriage to him. You let your wife down on those aspects when you were married, and you are still doing so.

10th April 2013: "I spoke with a lawyer at Legal Aid this week and he said that she will probably get the house. We have a business as well that we each own 50% of, and that will probably be sold and split. She works at this business so she'll probably be out of a job. She is a hairstylist, so she'll just rent a booth somewhere else and her clientele will stay with her. However, I am quite confident that she will not be able to pay the mortgage on the house by herself without having to work a LOT. She will end up losing the house and renting a crappy apartment somewhere."

You thought that she would not be able to to afford to stay in the house and would be forced into a shabby apartment after you left, but she has managed to keep her home together, despite having a baby under a year when you left, and having to pay for childcare once you found work.

She is managing on her own quite well (with the financial support that you quite rightly must pay for your kids), so why does she need you back? Can you see how becoming homeless because of child support makes you very unappealing?

And as for this "affair":

You left your wife when she had not long had a baby: "When I packed a bag and left for a couple days to get away from the pressure, I did so with the intention of coming back after she cooled off, which I did, but she changed the locks on me." Nearly a year later she filed for divorce, and about 2 months after she filed, and about a month before the divorce was final, you saw a man who was clearly intending to spend the night at your house.

Clearly, since she was still married when she began seeing this man, this is technically an affair. However, you have spent your whole time here focusing on this "dirtbag" OM, when he was NOT the reason your marriage broke down - the reason was your own unemployment, anger, excuses and finally moving out. He did not come into the picture until after you had moved out, and after your wife filed for divorce.

He is NOT the reason you are not with your wife. The reasons for that are the original reasons the marriage broke down, and the fact that after you left, you went through not paying financial support for your kids (you called this Plan B, when you had not done anything like a Plan A), you had anger problems about the fact that she would not have you back, and all the other issues we raised with you on your last thread.

If you continue to focus on this "OM" and his faults, I guarantee that you will miss the bigger picture, which is YOU, and the ways you did not, and still do not, meet your wife's needs.

Your wife finds this man, with his "four arrests" (which are not the same as convictions) more appealing than you. If you want her to consider going back to you IF her current relationship breaks down, you will need to think about why you are not easily displacing him in her life.

Since you came here, you have been waiting for that affair to break down, as if it inevitably will. The problem is that it might not, and even if it does, there is no obvious reason why would your ex would go back to you. You let her down and abandoned her with two young kids, and she survived that. Why, from her point of view, does she need you back? Have you given her a reason to need her?


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As I stated before, I have done everything I can to avoid this outcome. I understand how easy it is to assume that I can just go rent a room and just do this or do that. I think I mentioned that when I did a budget analysis, I was $850 in the hole every month while paring back my expenses as much as possible. This is while paying $775 a month for rent. Do the math - I still can't pay ANY rent until I either a) get a big raise, or b) reduce my expenses. "a" is not going to happen, and the only expenses I can hope to reduce are child support and other things that I have already reduced or am in the process of reducing, but it isn't making up for $850 deficit. I didn't mention that I also have bills that I have not been paying because I cannot, namely the loan debt that the judge tossed in my lap.

Also, you are filling in a lot of holes with erroneous assumptions. When I was underemployed - that began in 2009. I was certainly not alone, either. NM's economy is still the worst in the country. I work for the state and have 9% of my pay taken off the top for a retirement account which I can't touch. Then I pay for health insurance and whatever other deductions there are, and then $1350 a month is taken for child support. $1350! You think she is due this much? I don't have a problem paying child support, but she has her income plus half of mine. Seriously? I'm sorry to have to disagree with you but that is ridiculous. By the way, she WAS about to lose her house when she got that increase.

Also, I understand how it was ME, but I laid out a pretty detailed account of what happened to make me realize how sick I was. Unless you've lived with pretty severe chronic pain and haven't had a solid BM for 10 years, you have no idea what it can do to your self-esteem, your personality, your outlook on life. I only realized how bad it had gotten when it was all taken away overnight. To attempt an analogy, imagine being 100 lbs overweight. It certainly didn't happen overnight. You don't really remember how good you felt at normal weight because it has been so long. You're sick because of your weight and your physical abilities are severely limited. Now imagine that you wake up one morning and all that weight is GONE. Can you imagine how much better you'd feel? That is what it was like, THAT profound. It was obvious that I had become a cranky SOB because of the constant pain and inability to do most every physical activity you can imagine. I couldn't even sleep on my left side for pete's sake.

By the way, she doesn't need me back. I don't need her to need me back. I want her to ~want~ me back. I have little faith that it will happen, but there's some. She's been acting different lately. Our little one has a very hard time leaving my house when it is time to go back to her mother's. She has been inconsolable on a few occasions (in front of her), crying "I want to stay with you" over and over. It is affecting our kids and she may be starting to see that. By the way, I have not said a negative word to her in a very long time. I can't remember the last time.

I am asking for advice on what I can do NOW, rather than playing coulda woulda shoulda.


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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Sorry I misunderstood. How about renting a room in a house to cut expenses? You might not have enough room for the kids to sleep over but it's important to keep up with seeing them, we can help you with ideas. What are their ages?

The schedule sounds so long for a state job, is it a long commute? How can we help you set up for success? If you want your marriage back we can help you plan for that too, give you the best chance. Their affair should fizzle out especially with his background.

I've looked for a room, and they are expensive, too. Like $450 plus share of utilities. Can't afford it. I've got a couple friends who are going to let me couch surf for a little while. I'll be requesting a child support hearing to see if I can get it reduced. I have gotten conflicting advice about whether it is possible but I need to try.


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First, great to hear about your health improvement. It sounds very serious and it's a big luck that you went to surgery, otherwise when they would diagnose you. Now, when the cause fixed, hopefully, you will fully recover and forget about health problems.

Have you managed to move forward with your business idea? As far as I remember, it was very promising.

Regarding improving your chance for reconciliation, SugarCane has outlined what you need to work on. That would be good for any future relationship as well.


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