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If you're not comfortable filing divorce first....file for legal separation to protect assets.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
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Filing first is also a statement. It shows her that you're not just going to roll over and let her have control. I think your lady needs a bit of a wake up call in terms of understanding that a divorce is not going to be pretty and she's not just going to get handed everything she wants. She needs a wake up call.

I've been here a long time and everyone who's gone through a divorce was urged to file first. I don't know why you're resisting this. Protect yourself and your son. Get out in front of this.

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Originally Posted by Elaina7
What they mean is that: do you have savings/ any kind of cash she can get her hands on now as your wife without you knowing?

If yes, they want you to move it all into a private account and then file.
yes, what you will have to give her for support is computer based but numerous things happen when you file first:

1. You decide the entire pace of the divorce. Want it faster-done... slower.... done. YOU get the most control over that.
So lets say you finally want it done-you can file for the final trial and she can't postpone it as the petitioner is the only one who can (unless she can prove she is hospitalized or something)This will save you $$$ in lawyers fee's.

2. She could right now go get a million credit cards in her name and you will still be liable for half. She could go empty your savings-get into all your financial accounts and wipe you out. Too bad, nothing you can do.
SO if you go ahead and file it protects you from all the above. From the date of your filing- you have financial protection.

3. She can walk out with your son right now and move to another state- you could not even know where she is and the cops or anyone else won't help you because you are married.
If you filed after she did that- she would still have to be found. This could make your life really crazy and we have seen it done before on these boards.
A divorce puts all that to an end. She can't go and do anything stupid. (and lets face it-she is in the fog and isn't normal)Your CHILD would be protected.

So Other than a silly calculation of what you will have to pay her- everything is in your advantage to file first and coming from divorce care groups, I haven't found one person who didn't wish they would have or was thrilled they were the petitioner.


Excellent advice, print it out and put it on your fridge so that you have to read it every time you are hungry!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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#1 I am not resisting to file but it is based on the advice of two attorneys I've talked to. I will check with my attorney again on the pace of divorce issue. She told me yesterday there is no advantage to being the petitioner, but I will ask her and her boss again. Also, maybe it's just in my state, but the other attorney I interviewed to told me the same thing, that there is no advantage in being the petitioner other than deciding the venue. And both attorneys in this case will bring it in the same venue so it doesn't matter. The one attorney that told me to file first turned out to be unscrupulous based on multiple reviews online...
#2 I thought about this but I don't think she can qualify for any credit cards without me cosigning. She makes $9K a year. She has one credit card in her name already and we've split it up.
#3 Not going to happen. She has never lived in another state, and she has led a pampered life. We both love our son so much she's not going to do that to him.
I have moved almost all liquid assets to my individual accounts where I'm the only signer. I think I am protected there, except for what the court may order as temporary maintenance for her. I have changed the direct deposit for my checks to my new accounts.

Throughout all this I am still being nice and cordial to my wife. It is so hard to do Plan A in the heat of the battle, but I keep telling her that we can work it out. I learned WW is planning to sign a lease later on this week nearby using her mom's savings. She was itemizing our son's expenses with her lawyer. She expects for me to be served next week. I get the feeling that my defensive measures really pissed her off and made her mind up to "move ahead" with filing, but I don't know how else I can protect myself.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Whether she files or not is regardless. You needed to take steps to protect your assets for you and your sons sake. Don't feel bad. She is going to use every excuse to make you the bad guy anyway. You taking this measure did not cause anything except bring about a reality she wasn't expecting.

You're doing good.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Posts: 428
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I found this while waiting for my attorney to respond. It ties to what both attorneys told me. There is no legal separation and her new apartment will be less than a mile from my house, so in the same county for sure.

Most experts hold, however, that there is little advantage to filing first, unless there has been legal separation resulting in different residences prior to divorce. Where spouses live in different counties of the state, attorneys may know the judge or know of slight biases in one county or the other. Also, there are travel considerations of the responding party to the county of filing.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Most experts hold, however, that there is little advantage to filing first, unless there has been legal separation resulting in different residences prior to divorce

Yes this is what my lawyer told me too. He was wrong as subsequent events proved.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted by living_well
Yes this is what my lawyer told me too. He was wrong as subsequent events proved.

What went wrong in your case?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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I think what did not go wrong is a better question. He did not want to get divorced as he did not want to divide the marital assets. I was not especially worried as I had assets in my name. He appealed and appealed every single aspect of the divorce stretching out the action over six years. He has been found in Contempt of Court because he has still not divided the assets that were in his name and at this point has mostly spent them.

Recently he had to be escorted at gunpoint from the appellate court.

At the same time he brought a separate action to freeze the assets that were in my name and tried to force a division of them. We are three years into the mission on that and I cannot even bring myself to think about the legal fees I have paid. Six separate law suits.

Please stay in control. Oh and freeze your credit reports with all three agencies, it is free and will prevent her from using your credit rating. One of the many things my XH did was forge my signature on a document and help himself to savings that were half mine. Because we were still married at that point, I was never able to get a criminal prosecution.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Wow, your WH is a piece of work.

However, even with all that has gone on, I still want to give my marriage a chance. I do not want to divide the marital assets either as I'm hoping that WW will come to her senses and realize the mistake she is making. She will realize that POSOM is not moving here and she will realize it is all for naught. Am I being naive?

I have moved most of the assets already to protect myself.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Until WW comes to her senses, don't mistake her for the woman you think you know. Read what living_well wrote and substitute her name for yours, her WH name for your WW. Why not prevent that from happening?

Waywards are unreliable, you'd better take control.

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Just heard back from my attorney. As expected, she reiterated that there is no advantage to rush out and file to be the Petitioner versus the Respondent. Either way will be the same for me.

This firm came highly recommended to me from another attorney who handled a friend's case in a different county. The senior attorney has been around 20 years and supposedly knows all 22 judges in the family courts. So I think their recommendation carries some weight...


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Wow, your WH is a piece of work.
XWH and yes he is.

Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
However, even with all that has gone on, I still want to give my marriage a chance. I do not want to divide the marital assets either as I'm hoping that WW will come to her senses and realize the mistake she is making. She will realize that POSOM is not moving here and she will realize it is all for naught. Am I being naive?

I have moved most of the assets already to protect myself.

There is a big difference between dividing assets (as in selling non liquid assets such as the marital residence) and protecting yourself as in preventing her from burning through savings or running up debt. I think keeping the house is a loving move and very much in keeping with plan A.

Putting assets out of her reach and freezing your credit reports are also loving acts. She may not see them that way now but one day she will. They are like exposure, short term she may kick back but one day she will understand.


3 adult children
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Originally Posted by living_well
There is a big difference between dividing assets (as in selling non liquid assets such as the marital residence) and protecting yourself as in preventing her from burning through savings or running up debt. I think keeping the house is a loving move and very much in keeping with plan A.

Putting assets out of her reach and freezing your credit reports are also loving acts. She may not see them that way now but one day she will. They are like exposure, short term she may kick back but one day she will understand.
Despite my trusting stupidity for the past 18 years, I did do one thing right. WW (and MIL indirectly) kept bugging me to set up a Living Trust for all of our assets but I kept putting it off. (I think deep down inside I always left it as the last bulwark in case of divorce). I spent some time and went through all my refinancing documents for the past 15 years and all of them are listed as "BH, A Married Man, as His Sole and Separate Property." Per the attorney this should allow me to keep the house and just have to pay WW a little bit for it!

All liquid assets are safely out of her reach, I've placed them in "safer" places that she can't get to either. I just put a couple months spending money in the joint accounts.

We have a lot of mutual funds and bonds though that I cannot easily liquidate without incurring significant tax liability, so I have to leave them in the account. However, I moved those to my Individual account as well. My attorney said these moves are all OK since nobody has filed yet.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/02/16 07:05 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
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That is precisely right. Do it all NOW before she files because once she does it's frozen. So go thru your accts with a fine tooth comb and make sure everything you can protect is out of her reach before a filing freezes it. Don't delay.

If you have any joint CC or cards she is an authorized signer on...remove her now.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Originally Posted by Alwayslookingup
That is precisely right. Do it all NOW before she files because once she does it's frozen. So go thru your accts with a fine tooth comb and make sure everything you can protect is out of her reach before a filing freezes it. Don't delay.

If you have any joint CC or cards she is an authorized signer on...remove her now.

Everything I can protect is already out of the joint accounts. I've even moved some to different financial institutions so they're not easily locatable. The funds and ETF's are harder to move though.

She's given me all the joint credit cards that were opened in my name, and I've given her the one she opened back. She was complaining to her mom she didn't know how much milk cost ($10 for two gallons!) I just wish we didn't have to go through all this waste if she were to come back eventually.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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I know it really stinks. Better safe than sorry while she isn't thinking clearly.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
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It won't make a difference to your attorney, who files first. We used to have a poster here who was an expert on father's rights. He went through a hellish divorce and learned a lot along the way. You need to file first and trust the experience on this board when we recommend it.

You probably think it seems to aggressive and that it will kill the marriage. You have nothing to lose! She's already leaving and she will rake you over the coals to hell and back once she realizes what it's like to be on her own.

I don't get why you are resisting this except that you seem to believe that by NOT filing first, she'll love you more. Not true. You are setting yourself up for a world of (extra) hurt.

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Originally Posted by zibbles
I don't get why you are resisting this except that you seem to believe that by NOT filing first, she'll love you more. Not true. You are setting yourself up for a world of (extra) hurt.

You don't seem to understand. *I'm* NOT resisting. I've been asking the attorney to see if I should file, pushing her even over the past couple days. She said no, there's no difference. I brought up all the points brought up by posters on this forum but she said those concerns don't matter in our county/state. Filing first to get the upper hand is a common fallacy, she said. She even knows the opposing counsel as they used to work in the same firm!
In any case, I've asked her to move up my initial consultation with the senior partner to tomorrow if possible so I can get in and ask him the questions. I've checked and he's got a 20 year track record and a great reputation, compared to the other divorce lawyers I've interviewed. These guys seem the most honest of the bunch. It has been very hard to find reputable divorce lawyers even though I have quite a few corporate lawyer friends. Very few people that went through it actually recommended their lawyers! They complained about the over-billing and slow response. One friend wasted 7 years fighting for extra custody which he never got, I'm not using his lawyer!
In any case, I've already got the filing forms and I've actually already filled them out myself. I'll bring them with me and can file the same day if he says GO.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 136
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You are resisting though. You don't ASK your attorney if you should file, you file. Its not your attorney's choice, its yours. Lawyers want an EASY divorce, not a contentious one.


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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