That makes sense and seems fair to me. However,


Following this rule, he may never fully meet my need for financial or domestic support again. I'd be willing to bet that he would consider what he does to meet both of those ENs is sacrifice. And although meeting my other needs may not make him unhappy, the only one that he would truly be happy to meet would be sexual fulfillment. That is not an exaggeration.

And if I follow that same 'no sacrifice' rule, I would only meet his need for SF once every other month or so, which would be torture to him and he would see it as an LB.

I will order and read the book and hope that it helps me understand because right now, I'd almost prefer to be single. Feeling guilt over my LBs as I learn about them while he is no longer even trying to learn about any of this is unhealthy, untenable, and sends me to a dark place.

You said:

"Following this rule, he may never fully meet my need for financial or domestic support again. I'd be willing to bet that he would consider what he does to meet both of those ENs is sacrifice. And although meeting my other needs may not make him unhappy, the only one that he would truly be happy to meet would be sexual fulfillment. That is not an exaggeration."

This is a real fear. It is the fear that propels us to turn to lovebusters to get what we feel we really NEED. Only once we start to recognize our lovebusters and eliminate them, can both feel safe to connect.

There are many provisions for the dilemma of the unmotivated spouse or one who doesn't see the point thus stuck in a "do nothing" position. The He Wins, She Wins book and workbook teach us more about finding positive, workable solutions. However, you seem to be willing to listen, and if you start changing your negative behaviors, your husband might find more motivation to learn.

Then he should not do it. There are many, many ways to meet needs, and you just need to be creative about it. If he meets your needs in a way that does not make him happy, he will soon stop doing it. It will wreck your marriage.


The reason you don't want to meet his need for SF is becusae you have fallen out of love. You will feel different when you are in love. However, if you meet that need out of sacrifice, you will develop a sexual aversion. No sacrifice..

My suggestion would be to learn this program. You don't understand it yet. Read Lovebusters, HNHN and most especially, listen to the radio show every day. That will help your understanding very quickly.

Is sexual fulfillment your need or his? Spouses are usually happy to meet the others needs when they are in love.


You both need to find a way to meet each others needs in a way that helps your marriage. Sacrifice does not achieve that purpose.

Your lovebusters are very unhealthy for your marriage and will push him away. If you want him to get on board, you have to give him a reason to want the marriage. If you are demanding, angry and insisting he makes sacrifices, then it is no surprise he has checked out.

Focus on being attractive and inviting. Eliminate your lovebusters now.

When we are upset, we tend to get locked into thinking there is only one way to solve a problem. What you will learn here is to remain calm and continue looking for solutions.

Don't make him a slave to your routine (this is hard). I suspect no one in the family would have starved when the grocery run was skipped. Trying to make your own way the "right" way is a recipe for disaster.

Also, when you pull out the word "unjust" for a personal interaction with your spouse, you are trying to play a trump card. You were trying to shut US down, because you didn't want to hear you CAN be the one who is wrong. You have some very bad habits. You need to read Lovebusters ASAP.

I suspect the reason your husband is not on board with MB is because he sees that it is an attempt to straighten him out without fixing your own behavior. Who wants to sign up for that??

Something that.helped me understand the program very quickly was ordering the Radio Archives. Then I listened to show after show that pertained to our problems. So you can listened to shows about selfish demands to start.

This one sentence perfectly summarizes this situation. People don't buy things unless they see a perceived benefit. The only thing he sees here is an attempt to "straighten" him out.

If you will take another approach, you will likely see a different reaction. If not, then you should separate.

Thank you. I will look into getting this book as well.

Despite what you all may think, his lack of motivation is not solely related to my LBs. He has a lack of motivation in general.

He did agree to MB though and says he is on board. After 20 years, I know that means he really wants to try - but he gets complacent or thinks that things are fine because I have made the mistake of sacrificing SF for years. (Which I understand from MelodyLane, by doing that I created my own aversion!)


I didn't realize that. I was not trying to shut anyone down - at least not on purpose. I was just expressing what I felt. There was no conscious ulterior motive. I am hoping the trump card thing and some explanation of why that was me trying to shut anything down will be in the LB book.


Sure I can be wrong. I can hear it. I can read it multiple times from multiple people on this forum. AND I can even admit it. Observe.


If you read that again - in the very first sentence of that paragraph I admit that I was wrong about it just being an angry outburst. I admit that I had made a disrespectful judgement. Maybe it wasn't clear - but I admit that I was imposing MY belief system on him. I still didn't understand the selfish demand part... but hopefully that will come when I read the book.


That concerned me - so I asked him. He said he does not see it that way. He sees it as trying to make us better.

You may not be able to tell from what I have posted, but I am trying to fix my behavior as well and I have communicated that to my H. Why else would I be here... posting about needing a reality check... reading these responses multiple times to try to understand where I've gone wrong?

It is clear to me that I don't understand LBs. As I said - I will get the book. I'll be back after I read it.

Yet he doesn't see enough benefit in the program to actually follow it. And that makes perfect sense. He needs to see a perceived benefit along with tangible, meaningful progress. That is achieved by making your marriage a happy, happy place with NO lovebusters and lots of fun, enjoyable, relaxing dates.


you do understand you don't have a "right" to be angry, right? You justified your anger by saying that is how you would care for him. So while you admit you were wrong in certain aspects, you justified it.



Perfect!

I just reviewed your whole thread. This is what I recommend.

1. If you don't have a UA planfor this week, make one tonight. This should include the Home Study program. Try to do the whole video seminar in oneday or you can drag it out forever.

Any time management expert will tel you, any thing not on the schedule will not happen with consistency.

2. Good plan to read Love busters.

3. We understand you don't know the whole plan in detail yet, which is why we are pointing out problems right away. Most of us arrived here thinking our poop didn't stink and had to learn otherwise. Melodylane has posted some of her earlier failings and they are HILARIOUS.

4. There are a number of ways to simplify domestic support so he can easily meet your needs. Dont give up hope yet. For example, a number of grocery stores now offer online ordering with drive-thru pick up for free. You could save a standard order for when you are ill and all he would need to do is pick it up.

5. Has the porn use stopped? Porn creates unrealistic expectations for SF and PA.

6. If you can meet each other's needs in a way that makes you both happy, do it!

7. Have you looked at the recreational inventory for ideas? (Note: unless we are playing together, my H will set a timer on his phone so he knows when to stop his video game.

HTH

Hi Missie-
I'm thinking that they responded to your situation today on the radio show. Hopefully that gave you confirmation of direction and more understanding of the problems in your marriage. If that wasn't your email, then hop on the MB radio app fast, and listen up because you will get some great relevant advice.

I want to commend you for being open to change. It's tough to hear how we've been lovebusting. But the cool thing is that we can glean hope from those realizations.

Today's show brought up the fact that spouses having different sleep schedules is hard on a marriage. Somethig to consider is that your husband's peak energy times are going to be different from yours. The solutions to your specific problems will need to take those differences into account.

Remember- the goal is to create a lifestyle that you are BOTH happy with.

Personally, I did TONS of reading and listening to the radio archives, even started the online program before my husband became fully motivated. I had to show my willingness to change, even though it didn't seem fair that I take the lead.

Looking back, one of the best things I did on our dates was I made a special effort to be my husband's most relaxing companion so that he would look forward to "down time" with me. I worked on being PLEASANT in the face of frustration. When my husband started enjoying time with me, it helped him see how the program would pay off for him.

The fact that your husband didn't feel like going to the store and plays video games leads me to believe that relaxation might be one of the goals for recreational companionship during UA time.

***Edit**

This thread has been a real eye opener. I don't know if the OP is still around.

But the this whole situation is so similar to my own marriage that it's frightening. I also had a porn issue aswell, I also verbally and emotionally abused my wife too.

Fortunately for you OP, you were willing to make your marriage work. I feel like my Wife has no desire and pretty much considers it over.

Most WW are checked out and consider the marriage over. Most WW have to be pursued and won back. There is nothing unique about yours. She's typical.