Hi Melodylane,
its taking me a few days to process everything, but I think I am starting to get their now.
I appreciate everyone's input with this.
When I first posted I was still feeling incredibly hurt.

I can see now how it isn't just about getting my top five needs met,
there are probably hundreds of men out there that could meet my top five needs, including psychopaths!!! well ok maybe that's a bit of a stretch...as honesty and openness is in their and psychopaths are anything but.

However if I use other criteria for assessing the men I am dating like for instance their maturity around these issues and their matching desire to get married and find the right mate, as well as some of the other criteria you mentioned then I can screen out undesirables.

Those that come with a freeloaders mentality are just not worth my time of day...its just not worth giving my energy to them.

If I do meet a man that meets my top five needs AND gives me the care, protection and maturity to discuss the deeper aspects of creating a healthy and functional relationship with the possibility of future engagement and marriage then and only then could and would I offer exclusivity. Even if this might be before engagement.

However if by offering exclusivity there is any kind of attitude change on the man's part then I can always go back to dating around again. Unless we are married I have every right to do this.

I am looking for a lifelong healthy passionate loving marriage. I'm not messing about with my heart and my life for a second longer.
It's serious business and I've spent the last 24 years not taking it seriously enough, even if I've been getting there slowly

I really am grateful for this most recent wake-up call and I really appreciate the feedback here

sorry for typos, grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes I type so fast and don't bother to check what I've written before I post it!

Perfect!! i think that sounds like a super plan. And when you are dating, you can come here and bounce ideas off the forum. We will help you test the candidates...

The time line might look something like this;

Meet, mix with and date a number of people.

Most you will see alone only once. If you find one who is extraordinary, by all means continue to see him. But both of you should be freeloaders. That means you can (and should) continue to meet and spend time with others and you should both be open about it. You are slowly getting to know one another and you are both watching carefully to spot any inconsistencies. If you see any red flags at all at this stage, walking away is no big deal.

If you are still seeing this person regularly after six months, it is time to take the relationship to the next stage. You can start discussing being exclusive with one another gradually moving from freeloader to renter. If you have children, now might be the right time to introduce them. Start POJA-ing small things.

If at the end of a year you are still really happy together, it is time to talk about making a lifetime commitment. The transition from renter to buyer does not happen until you are actually married but you will gradually start making more and more decisions jointly.

One of the things we find here is that people who have been married before tend to jump too fast into being a buyer because this is what they are used to in relationships. Not only is that dangerous but it could also be off putting for someone who would be a good life time partner for you.

Another is that using Marriage Builders is an incredibly a powerful tool that needs to be used with the greatest care because you can get anyone to fall in love with you. So important to be careful with it. Spending plenty of time as a freeloader is incredibly important.

I think I've got it now...

I'm looking forward to meeting some candidates...

Hi Living well,

being a freeloader during dating I can see can be important.

Do you think there is a difference between ultimately being a buyer (as in wanting to get married in the future) and acting like a freeloader during dating...and being a freeloader incapable of ever becoming a buyer. I mean of course there is a difference...but how would one tell the difference?

I kind of acted like a buyer from straight of the bat in this most recent fling, offering exclusive rights to every part of me pretty much from the start. I wanted to poja, be radially honest, and use the policy of undivided attention (me giving my undivided attention even if it wasn't reciprocated).

Also it makes sense that people can easily fall in love with someone who is using these principles. Every relationship I've had over the last seven years, none lasting more than 2 months, ended in a marriage proposal once I'd finished it. I think I was using buyer principles even before I came across Dr Harley's work (although still had some serious love busters!) and men seem to respond to this quite passionately. Not that this last fling ended in a marriage proposal but I am certain he felt very strong feelings for me.

I don't really want to date a freeloader that does not have the capacity to ever become a renter and then a buyer. I just can't be bothered with that - so what would be some tell tale signs of that?

Also living well the quote posted earlier by Dr Harley said that if after 5 dates you've hit bingo then by all means stop dating...I've paraphrased but it was something like that.

How does that fit in with the protocol you've outlined?

If I meet a man and we hit it off straight away and it's obvious he is a keeper, and we decide to stop dating other people, would you recommend this? Or are you saying only after 6 months of seeing this person would you stop dating others?

I'm sorry to question what you said but I appreciate everyone's perspective and if something is a bit confusing for me I need to question until I've understood.

How did you select these men? What were the reasons these relationships didn't last longer than 2 months? How long did you date before it turned into a relationship?

In my experience, men tend to fall in love faster than women. That love is not always long lasting.

The reason Dr. Harley recommends two years relationship before marriage is that within those two years, you will have seen all bad habits and behaviour. The first months it is easy to show only your best part and being newly in love, you forgive a lot things that would bother you after a longer period of time.

Yes!

That is what the six months of freeloading is for. Over that time you will be talking about your life so far, your goals and your dreams. Freeloaders only think about themselves so these will be only YOUR goals and dreams. He will do likewise. All you have to do is listen carefully. People love to talk about themselves.

Even if it HAD been reciprocated it still would have been wrong (see below).


I think you are just rushing things. You need to listen to your head more and your heart less. Take it slowly. Even once you meet someone amazing, try to limit dates to only once or twice a week. A permanent freeloader will not have the patience to date this way.

Courting has as it's principle objective the ultimate goal of marriage. Dating may only be for the enjoyment of the particular series of events, with no serious intent of building a relationship. So, one could view courting as a subset of dating. If you are courting, you are also dating, but if you are dating, you may or may not be courting. It depends on your intent.

Goody2shoes,
I didn't really select the men,I wasn't really very conscious of what I was doing. It was more of a strong attraction to them. No I didn't date them I fell into being their 'girlfriend' straight away. I ended it with them because my heart belonged to someone else for 8 years and I just wasn't in love with them in anyway really. It just didn't feel worth my time. They only asked me to marry them to get my attention, I didn't really take it seriously, although I'm not saying they didn't even though it was silly, I think I broke a few hearts unintentionally.

Living well,
I'm still a bit confused as I seem to remember that Dr Harley said that Joyce finished it with him numerous times because he was treating her like a freeloader. I can understand the concept of being a freeloader whilst dating to some degree. But there is a difference between being a freeloader during dating and having the unchangeable mentality of a freeloader. Although I know Dr Harley is able to change people's mind sets. I really can't be bothered to date men that would be permanent freeloaders. I guess going on dates with them would eventually reveal this. I am just not sure how one acts like a freeloader during dating and at the same time is looking to eventually buy. I think I need to reread Dr Harley's book on the topic again to get clear.

I don't see why giving each other your undivided attention whilst spending time together even during dates would be wrong.

Also the interesting thing is I only know two couples that have had a passionate loving long lasting marriage (one 20 year and another 22 years) and both couples knew instantly that they were right for each other. They became exclusive instantly and both couples got married 6 months later. Neither couples have even argued during their time together. These are true stories and their marriages have been awesome.

I think knowing these couples set up some fantasies on my part. I agree dating for 6 months could be a very good thing and being in a relationship for two years before marriage healthy, but I guess there are always exceptions, as my friends prove.

mrEureka - well I have the ultimate goal of marriage. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive, but I am guessing courting always is. Would this be right?

I wouldn't get too wrapped up in the terminology. The simple fact is that you are never morally bound to exclusivity until you are actually married. Prior to marriage, relationships with multiple partners at the same time may be unseemly and even unwise, but it isn't flat out wrong.

I remember Dr Harley discussing in the radio show, a client had been dating two women at the same time and fell in love with both, he asked for advice who to chose. After mentioning this example, he recommended dating only one person at a time, to avoid confusion.

Especially men are capable of falling in love with more than one person at the same time. You date someone, if he or she doesn't meet your requirements, you date the next person. If you meet someone more suitable while you are dating, reconsider your options.

Ok I'm really confused now

There has been contradictory advice here and I don't know what is right or wrong right now.

I guess what feels right for me is to not offer myself exclusively whilst I am dating. If a guy presents himself as worthy of my exclusivity then I can offer him that in some form of courtship with the view to engagement. If during this courtship they do not treat me with extraordinary care I can go back to dating without being exclusive.

If it does end up in an engagement then of course I will offer myself exclusively, as well as in courtship. That is how it feels to me right now anyway.

thoughts welcome as I am a bit confused...

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?

no not yet

If it has been longer than a few days I would NOTIFY the MODS, so they can pass on the message.

There is nothing wrong with your plan. Understand that, even if you offer exclusivity or a future dating partner offers you exclusivity, do not expect the offer to be as binding as a marriage vow of exclusivity. Do not allow yourself to think that you are "married" until you really are married!

mrEureka,

Thank you.
Yes of course I realise my vow of exclusivity I may give within a dating/courtship/engagement with a potential mate is not as binding as within marriage. But thank you for clarifying that.

I think this is pretty much the plan I would like to follow.
Like I have said in previous comments, I have offered myself to men exclusively (and cut myself of from other potential better candidates) way before the men have shown me the level of care that should inspire me to do this.

I really do not want to ever fall into that trap again

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