My husband had an affair with a women at our former gym. We cancelled membership, and changed all of our numbers. It has been about 4 week since his last contact (maybe - I don't have access to his cell phone record and he is home all day alone). Should I quit my temp job to spend more time with him and elevate the temptation? He says he is fine, but I can tell he is tempted to contact this women.

Do you have spyware on all his devices?

Why is he home all day? Can you be home all day?

Was his affair exposed? Who was it exposed to on OW's side? Can you move?

Hi adrienne55, I'm so sorry that you don't know for sure that he has ended contact...we know how devastating this is.

There are many steps to recovery that must be met, before you actually ARE in recovery.

For instance...did your husband give you all of the details about the affair? Where they would meet? How they would contact each other (besides at the gym)?

Has he agreed to NEVER see or talk to this woman again? and...take the necessary steps to ensure that it is impossible to ever cross paths with her in any way?

He needs to give you access to his phone, email, computer, whenever you would like it. He needs to give you all of the passwords, etc. and be forthright with offering the info to you.

There are many more steps, but if he hasn't given you access to his cell phone records, then you don't haven't gotten to square one. I'm sorry.

You need to go out and purchase a VAR (voice activated recorder) or two, and hide them in the house and in his car.

If he is home alone and using a computer, you need to get a key logger on there so that you can see what he is up to.

You both need to affair proof your marriage so that it will be impossible for (either of you) to ever have an affair in the future.

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

What has been done from this list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You haven't returned to this thread, but in case you are still lurking, Dr. Harley often strongly recommends moving when the affair person lives nearby. Moving may seem like a drastic measure, but most marriages suffer greatly after an affair. Many couples divorce, or, if they stay married, the marriage is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

If you follow the steps listed by Brainhurts, which are covered in detail in Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair, your marriage has a better chance at surviving an affair. It will take both of you working at building the habits that create a great marriage. I hope you come back and learn more here.