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#2875792 02/10/16 01:08 PM
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Hello! I had posted on another site a few weeks ago but find myself drawn to this board a lot. I'm going to copy and paste (while trying to condense) my original post and some of my updates. Thank you!


Jan 12

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We got married very young (19) and had our first baby a year later. Then 3 more in the next 4 years. After a 3 year break, #5 came along. To say our early marriage was stressful is an understatement. I'm currently pregnant with #6, due in late May.

We have been drifting apart for years, due to the stress of my husband working 50+ hours a week, me volunteering a lot and being a SAHM and the normal stress of having 5 kids aged 9& under. We also dealt with depression and a legal problem for him during year 4 of our marriage.

In mid October, things came to a head with a blowout fight where my husband had a laundry list of all my problems (the dishes weren't done, the house was a mess, I spent too much time leading Girl Scouts - while he was at work - I forced him to go to birthday parties, I planned too many family outings, I didn't pay enough attention to him) culminating in him moving out.

I immediately convinced him to go to marriage counseling and thought things were improving, although he had "made up his mind" that we were over. He said in marriage counseling that he felt like he needed to get away for the weekend and go fishing, maybe with his dad. I agreed, eager for him to have a break from work and clear his head. This was Oct 30th.

Well, needless to say there was no fishing trip. I got uneasy about it the next morning (Halloween) and checked the phone records, to discover he had been having daily conversations with someone two states away. There was a second phone number in the state that he had called that night. I looked it up and discovered it was a hotel. The rest played out like some sort of sick movie. I called the hotel, she answered. I stayed calm and asked for him. He had no answers, only that he was coming home Sunday and needed to talk to me.

So Sunday rolls around and he confesses that she had been an online friend for months, and only that week it had "turned" romantic. But then after getting there they both realized they had made a mistake (her leaving a BF of 12 years) and vowed to each go home and try to fix things. I forgave him and we committed to a year of marriage counseling before making a decision about our future.

Things went ok for a few days, until he asked if he could still be friends with her. I said no, that I would never trust him and he was despondent. A few more weeks passed and I became suspicious (as did his family, who I exposed to on Halloween) because he was *always* on his phone over the holidays. Our anniversary was mid-December and for the first time he didn't do anything for it. I was crushed.

Finally, we got through Christmas with both families. I was taking a nap Christmas afternoon and got a sick feeling. I checked the phone records and he had been talking to her again, an hour a day for two weeks. I confronted him and told him to stop talking to her or leave. He left.

He basically raged last night that he is forced to choose between trying to fix a relationship that made him miserable (me) and what is making him happy (her). And that in order to actually try with me he has to "give up" what he wants, for something that may not work (restarting our relationship)

I have seen an IC and we talked last night about how long I'm willing to wait/what my cutoff point is. That is undecided and my homework for the week. I am very torn because I feel like our kids deserve us exhausting every effort. My husband doesn't agree and keeps spouting that kids are resilient and we will all be happier. (His parents divorced about 6 years ago and he and his siblings are very damaged from it...?)

He also keeps swinging between raging at me for trying to "ruin" him (money and kids) to trying to appease me. I assume the appeasement is so that I make a divorce easier. When he accused me of trying to ruin him I was calm and asked what in my actions said that. I've given him open access to the kids and haven't made any demands except that I need our minivan, which is currently in his name. I am the primary caregiver and need to transport them to school, etc. He originally agreed, then flipped that he will take it in a divorce. He tried to convince me to just do mediation without lawyers so it's not as expensive. I'm not going on the offensive at this point as I aim for reconciliation but I will definitely have a lawyer if it comes down to it. I'm not going to lose my kids.

He announced in MC tonight (first time with a new counselor) that he didn't love me, he is not interested in trying to sort out our problems, and he wants a divorce.

I said that I was going to fight for my marriage and wasn't going to hand him a divorce. I said that he is all about "getting himself healthy" and surely his therapist doesn't think the affair relationship is healthy. He said she didn't, but it was something he was "working through" on his own.

I really believe that if he ended it with her he could get clarity on how much he is throwing away in our marriage.


Since then

There have been lots of back and forth drama. I moved in with my parents (we had a rental) because he wasn't respecting my boundaries. He has played money games (wiring money out of our joint account while still having bills drafted from there) and our tax refund went to my personal account. He was enraged and threatened to call the IRS on me, then stopped making any support or bill payments. He told me he wasn't going to pay for my van anymore.

During this, our oldest was admitted to an institution for depression related to the separation/breakdown of our family. My husband denied all responsibility and said that any negative thoughts were planted by me. Since he got out 2 weeks ago, we have been to weekly therapy. He is improving daily with therapy and meds.

I have filed for legal separation to protect myself financially and custody-wise. I am asking for sole custody with visitation for my husband. He has been planting little bits of information with our children (telling the kids I wasn't allowed in his home, telling our oldest that we were separated because I kicked him out, etc) but there is now an injunction in which my lawyer specified that we are not allowed to discuss the case with our children.

This week, I contacted the OBS and we had a few lengthy chats. The affair actually began in August, although they had been talking for months before. There have been lies on both sides to the BS, and OW was still living with her BS until this past weekend. He is furious and completely done with her. He also said she hates children and is very uncomfortable around them. His basic description of who she is as a person was "extremely insecure, lazy but generally nice." So this is the person who might be around my children. Wonderful.

Which brings me to today. My husband sees the kids two evenings during the week and one evening on the weekend. He is living with his mother and still working on a place for the kids to sleep so there have been no overnights. He is aggressive about how he is "fighting" for joint custody yet makes no moves to have more contact. He tells me I have to let him call at night, I agree, then he never calls. He is still fully involved with his long distance affair and is traveling to see her this weekend (forgoing two visitation nights and missing our son's school concert) They talk for hours on the phone every day, with even longer (10+ hours) conversations on weekend nights.

I have been trying to focus as much as possible on getting my kids adjusted and sheltering them from the storm. This has helped me maintain focus and keep my head together. I'm still devastated by his actions and especially when I think about his upcoming weekend with the OW. I still have hope that our marriage can someday be restored, but I realize that there is nothing I can do to snap him out of it at this point.


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Have you exposed the affair? That is the single most important thing that can snap him out of it, as well as get you the support you need. Your children need to know about his infidelity, who with, and that it hurts their mother very much. Then he will not be able to spin this to them as if it is not his fault.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It has been exposed to both of our families (siblings and parents) and the OBS has told his family and friends.

My family is 100% supportive of me and have cut him off. His siblings are also against the affair but haven't spoken to him because he won't listen. His dad is disapproving but being passive (staying out of it he claims).

Unfortunately both my WH and the OW's mothers were serial cheaters and are supportive of them doing whatever it takes to pursue happiness. I have drafted a letter to my MIL about how I find her condoning and supporting the affair unforgiveable and as a Christian woman that she claims to be, her actions are wrong.

One of the big problems is that neither WH or OW have friends. All of my friends know and are disgusted/shocked/horrified. OBS told me OW has literally no friends. Her family lives in another state and she has no ties to her current community aside from her job.

Last edited by Sixkids; 02/10/16 01:56 PM.
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Also hit Notify and let the MODS know this should be moved to SAA.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Sixkids
It has been exposed to both of our families (siblings and parents) and the OBS has told his family and friends.

My family is 100% supportive of me and have cut him off. His siblings are also agai
Who on OW's family has it been exposed to besides OWBF?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you told your children about the affair?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Have you told your children about the affair?


Our oldest son knows and he was told her name. The other children don't and I'm not sure about the legality of telling them now that the injunction is in place.

The wording of it says:

"That the parties should be restrained from discussing the pending action with the minor children and ordered not to speak in any detrimental manner about the other party to the minor children or when around the minor children"

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Originally Posted by Sixkids
Unfortunately both my WH and the OW's mothers were serial cheaters and are supportive of them doing whatever it takes to pursue happiness. I

Good thing they are not serial killers, huh? Would they "support" them if they were "happy" molesting children? A loving parent does not "support" a child in being bad. They demonstrate care and love by only supporting them in being good. Happiness is the result of being good, not bad.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Sixkids
Originally Posted by Prisca
Have you told your children about the affair?


Our oldest son knows and he was told her name. The other children don't and I'm not sure about the legality of telling them now that the injunction is in place.

The wording of it says:

"That the parties should be restrained from discussing the pending action with the minor children and ordered not to speak in any detrimental manner about the other party to the minor children or when around the minor children"

I agree you should not speak in any detrimental manner. We are advising that you tell them the truth about the adultery. That is a parental obligation. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. If you don't tell them the truth, he will be free to tell them lies and teach that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle.

Since your son is being brainwashed to accept the OW, you need to get to these kids quick and tell them the truth. Your son is being taught that wrong is right and I assure you he is plenty confused. If you don't tell him this is wrong and give him guidance, he will learn to doubt his instincts about right and wrong.

All your kids over age 4 should know the truth.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Sixkids
It has been exposed to both of our families (siblings and parents) and the OBS has told his family and friends.

My family is 100% supportive of me and have cut him off. His siblings are also agai
Who on OW's family has it been exposed to besides OWBF?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Sixkids
It has been exposed to both of our families (siblings and parents) and the OBS has told his family and friends.

My family is 100% supportive of me and have cut him off. His siblings are also agai
Who on OW's family has it been exposed to besides OWBF?


I haven't exposed to anyone else yet.

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You need to expose to OW's parents and siblings.

Have you read this?
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Dear Sixkids, I am sorry you are going through this. I am new here and feel I have no right to give advise, but I am going to base what I will say on my own experience and what I understand of MB.

During my own marriage #1, I was not faithful and had an affair. It makes me sick to think of it now, and one of the dark places of my past, but at the time, I was so swept up in it that I felt I couldn't help abandoning everything to be with my new romance. These new romances are hard to compete with because they are easy and fun. On the other hand relationships with history and responsibility are not that fun, we have to work at them.

From what I have been through, I think I can say that at some point this affair will stop being fun for him, and he will be in the same boat with her as he is with you now only worse, he will have hurt his family and self respect.

I hope reason can get through to him, if you are willing to stay in the fight, I hope he will see it now before it's too late and will give her up and then you both can start repairing things with POJA and meeting each others needs.

It makes me sad that someone who says they are a Christian would break up a family. My prayers go out to you.

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As hard as it is to expose to kids please do it.
I had reservations, but I am glad I did. The kids have more trust in me and handled the truth just fine.

Be a example for them, thy will never forget the lesson learned.



BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure


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