Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 18 1 2 3 4 5 17 18
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
Okay, I will re-read the states of mind article as well as the policy of undivided attention today...DJ


I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
The point about those articles is that they contain a plan of action. Can you see what it is?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
I will let you know what I glean from the articles sometime today. I need time to get through them again. It will probably be later on today...thanks SC


I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
So, in a nutshell, after reading the 3 states of marriage and the policy of undivided attention, it seems to me that the plan is as follows:

1) Understand what your spouses emotional needs are
2) Plan at least 15 hours/week to be together to focus on meeting those needs
3) Learn what love busters you are doing and stop doing them
4) Focus on 4 main emotional needs; affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment

Am I on the right track here?


I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Number 1 and number 4 actually need to switch place, if you follow the argument of the Undivided Attention article.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
1) Learn what love busters you are doing and stop doing them
2) Focus on 4 main emotional needs; affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment
3) Plan at least 15 hours/week to be together to focus on meeting those needs
4) Understand what your spouses emotional needs are.

-Do you understand why it is important to spend a minimum of 15 hours per week out of the house, on dates with only you and your wife, meeting those 4 emotional needs (well, perhaps sexual fulfilment can wait until you get home - unless you can afford to go to a hotel, which would be divine)?

-Do you understand why Dr Harley says that you must focus on those four emotional needs during Undivided Attention (UA) time?

-Do you understand why it is far more important for you to focus on the common top two needs for a woman - affection and conversation - than to focus on other needs that she might have, such as family commitment and domestic support? Do you understand why having a husband who is an involved father is important to most women, but it does not make them fall in love?

The top need that you think your wife has is openness and honesty, from you.

While that need might be important because she has been denied it from you, it needs to come through the means of intimate conversation - but the main purpose of intimate conversation is to encourage your wife to talk about whatever she wants to, and to really listen and respond to her. Let her take the lead if she wants to explore your mind; do not use your dates as an opportunity to talk about yourself.

You cannot do UA time at home (apart from SF). Home is not a romantic place where you dress up, bring out your best selves and focus on each other. Home is where you do chores, or use the Internet, or flop out on the sofa. You need to arrange dates where you can talk, flirt, be affectionate and carry out an enjoyable activity, all at the same time. Dinner, dancing, sport and exercise, walking, visiting art galleries and museums, and lots of other activities allow you to accomplish conversation, affection and recreational activity all at once. Sexual fulfilment will follow easily, at home.

What can you do to arrange 15 hours outside the home every week, starting this week?

You'll be amazed at the effect proper UA time has on your wife.

Can you take her away for a break? That would kickstart your recovery like nothing else.



BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
As far as the 4 main emotional needs are concerned, I believe that I've just experienced the affection and conversation with my wife over the last 2 days. I really put some effort into talking with her and being affectionate yesterday. I didn't sleep on the couch last night at her request. Thats the farthest that we've moved in a positive direction since last November.

It seems to me that the 15 hours of UA puts both of us into an intensive and focused time together during which we can really focus on the intimate conversation without interruption. It seems to me that intimate conversation is certainly one of the most important emotional needs for my wife. Focusing on that alone seems to be the "gateway" to meeting some of the other emotional needs which would just naturally flow out of the intimate conversation.

We are planning to take a break for a few days and go away somewhere to be together. As far as 15 hours of UA this week, I need to think of ways to do that. We spend an awful lot of time together at home each night but like you say, its not the same as getting away from home.

I need to think of some ideas for getting out of the house together...DJ


I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
I suggest that you take her out to dinner. Don't wait for a perfect, novel idea. Watch your conversation and keep it thoughtful, pleasant, balanced, and affectionate. (Just like pre-marriage days.)

While at dinner, provide 2 copies of this....and ask how she would feel about filling one out.

Recreational Inventory:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html













Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Another thing to be religious about...

Have a written grid with the 4 intimate emotional needs. Make sure that each and every date allows for all 4 boxes to be checked, in a way that you BOTH enjoy.

Yes, in this case, checking the boxes works.

Last edited by DidntQuit; 02/17/16 09:58 PM. Reason: changed mental to written
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
So my "window" was very short. 1 week later I'm back on the couch and my wife has given me until Friday to find a place to live.

So she had a medical procedure done last week on Tuesday. I was very supportive and caring on both Monday and Tuesday. According to my wife, one the procedure was over, I went back into my normal mode. Aloof, quiet, not talking. I can't argue with that, I'm under a huge amount of pressure at work right now during a very busy time and I have a lot on my plate. I do tend to get pre-occupied with outside things when I'm in this mode.

What do I do now? She's back into emotional withdrawal and wanting me to move out again.

I've starting emailing her numerous times throughout the day because she won't talk to me. It just turns ugly. Email seems to be the only way that I can say anything to her...DJ


I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by dividejim
So my "window" was very short. 1 week later I'm back on the couch and my wife has given me until Friday to find a place to live.

So she had a medical procedure done last week on Tuesday. I was very supportive and caring on both Monday and Tuesday. According to my wife, one the procedure was over, I went back into my normal mode. Aloof, quiet, not talking. I can't argue with that, I'm under a huge amount of pressure at work right now during a very busy time and I have a lot on my plate. I do tend to get pre-occupied with outside things when I'm in this mode.

What do I do now? She's back into emotional withdrawal and wanting me to move out again.

I've starting emailing her numerous times throughout the day because she won't talk to me. It just turns ugly. Email seems to be the only way that I can say anything to her...DJ
Is that what your wife can expect from you when you are under pressure at work?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by dividejim
It just turns ugly.

How does it turn ugly? Are you lovebusting in the emails?

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by dividejim
Email seems to be the only way that I can say anything to her...DJ

Just because you identify something as a DJ during the time you are saying it, does not make it OK to DJ your wife. It is not productive at all.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by unwritten
Just because you identify something as a DJ during the time you are saying it, does not make it OK to DJ your wife. It is not productive at all.
"DJ" is his initials, unwritten. He puts this at the end of every post. It becomes quite confusing, as you have experienced!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by dividejim
It just turns ugly.
How does it turn ugly? Are you lovebusting in the emails?
No, it is the talking that turns ugly!

Originally Posted by dividejim
I've starting emailing her numerous times throughout the day because she won't talk to me. It just turns ugly.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by unwritten
[quote=dividejim]Just because you identify something as a DJ during the time you are saying it, does not make it OK to DJ your wife. It is not productive at all.
"DJ" is his initials, unwritten. He puts this at the end of every post. It becomes quite confusing, as you have experienced!

Oh, gotcha! Thanks for clarifying. I have seen people do this, make a DJ about their spouse and then say 'I know that is a DJ' and thought thats what he was doing.

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Could you consider signing your posts " Jim"?

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
Well that is what she gets...I do tend to internalize things when I am under pressure...jim


I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 195
No there is no love busting in the emails, only when we actually talk to each other. Lots of anger. Not from me, from my wife. I am avoiding anger like the plague...

Last edited by dividejim; 02/24/16 07:35 PM.

I'm 64 yrs old; married to my wife for almost 40 yrs. Started having marriage troubles 10 years ago. I have lived independently for all of these years. 10 yrs ago wife announced she did not love me anymore. Wife has had angry outbursts our whole married life. I now understand that this is a symptom of my independent behavior. No infidelity from either of us. Active members of our church. 4 children, 1 son, 3 daughters. All out of the house now. Adjusting to the empty nest
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by dividejim
Well that is what she gets...I do tend to internalize things when I am under pressure...jim
That isn't quite what I asked.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Page 3 of 18 1 2 3 4 5 17 18

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5