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A quote from MelodyLane: "Plan A is intended for when the spouse is in an affair. In Plan A, you do your best to meet her needs and present yourself as an attractive person. No lovebusting, no fighting; don't allow her to BAIT you into fights. Tell her how much her affair hurts you and ask her to end affair."
I already did the lovebusting and fighting so I probably did a lot more damage. How can I meet his needs when he is in another state and does not want to communicate? I actually feel better when not communicating with him.
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A quote from MelodyLane: "Plan A is intended for when the spouse is in an affair. In Plan A, you do your best to meet her needs and present yourself as an attractive person. No lovebusting, no fighting; don't allow her to BAIT you into fights. Tell her how much her affair hurts you and ask her to end affair."
I already did the lovebusting and fighting so I probably did a lot more damage. How can I meet his needs when he is in another state and does not want to communicate? I actually feel better when not communicating with him. You know... My wife is also in another state. I also do not feel like I am meeting any of her needs - but, I am still in Plan A. There might be a time where she comes back around to communicate with me, in which I will be very polite no love busting, etc. NeedsInput - its painful to hear, but this is a very long ordeal. My wife's affair started almost six months ago. Dr. Harley said, with my wife's current state, my only real move right now is to stay quiet and patient until the OM offends her in a way or dumps her completely. You will find that the "love busting" and fighting at first makes little difference while they are so fresh in the fog, don't beat yourself up over whats already been done... just worry about what you can control moving forward dear.
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Thanks everyone for your support. WrestlerChemist, we are in a very similar situation and the timeline of events is just about the same. Called the IG again. He told me he will be calling the commander today but said the commander will not give a no contact order because he has no proof there is an affair going on. On my side, I have to complete a form to start the process, which I will take care of today. The IG mentioned they have thousand of cases they are dealing with and there are 5 IGd there so he said it will take up to a month. My husband will be coming here in 3 weeks and will be filing for divorce.
Last edited by needinput; 02/24/16 11:28 AM.
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You should go to Plan B, then. You have been here for more than 3 weeks, your H want allow you to Plan A -- it is time for Plan B.
Women are not encouraged to remain in Plan A for more than 3 weeks because of the effect it has on their mental health. Have you read about Plan B yet?
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His confession is proof. Print the email and send it registered mail with receipt to the IG and commander.
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NeedsInput - its painful to hear, but this is a very long ordeal. My wife's affair started almost six months ago. Dr. Harley said, with my wife's current state, my only real move right now is to stay quiet and patient until the OM offends her in a way or dumps her completely. You will find that the "love busting" and fighting at first makes little difference while they are so fresh in the fog, don't beat yourself up over whats already been done... just worry about what you can control moving forward dear. Unfortunately, isn't that a de facto Plan B, imposed by your WW?
Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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NeedsInput - its painful to hear, but this is a very long ordeal. My wife's affair started almost six months ago. Dr. Harley said, with my wife's current state, my only real move right now is to stay quiet and patient until the OM offends her in a way or dumps her completely. You will find that the "love busting" and fighting at first makes little difference while they are so fresh in the fog, don't beat yourself up over whats already been done... just worry about what you can control moving forward dear. Unfortunately, isn't that a de facto Plan B, imposed by your WW? Yes I suppose - but I am not in Plan B. Do not confuse Plan B for my wife refusing to communicate with me. Plan B is Betrayed spouse going into no contact. My wife is just being stubborn, I am still in Plan A. Lets not Hijack Needs thread.
Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 02/24/16 12:01 PM.
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His confession is proof. Print the email and send it registered mail with receipt to the IG and commander. The IG said I can just email everything. I think what I will do is I will print the email, then scan it and email it with the form.
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The IG said I can just email everything. I think what I will do is I will print the email, then scan it and email it with the form. That sounds like a good idea !
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You should go to Plan B, then. You have been here for more than 3 weeks, your H want allow you to Plan A -- it is time for Plan B.
Women are not encouraged to remain in Plan A for more than 3 weeks because of the effect it has on their mental health. Have you read about Plan B yet? As far as I know, Plan B is no contact with my spouse. And, I typically do not contact him, he is the one contacting me when he wants. The problem with plan B is when he comes ere in 3 weeks I will have to speak to him. I have decided to just try my best to keep calm, go to work, and most likely he will be asking me to go with him to take care of documents. I don't know if I can just ignore his requests and just let him take care of business while I do not do anything. If any of these documents require my presence or signature I would have to be there. I don't know what to do.
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You should go to Plan B, then. You have been here for more than 3 weeks, your H want allow you to Plan A -- it is time for Plan B.
Women are not encouraged to remain in Plan A for more than 3 weeks because of the effect it has on their mental health. Have you read about Plan B yet? Yeah, I already lost 7 lbs since January and I am below 100 lbs already. I cannot even focus to do much work. I tell this my husband and he says "You have always been this way. Just don't think about it. There is no sense of torturing yourself deep inside. Focus on your work. I don't know why you are doing this to yourself. Watch/Do something you enjoy. I want you to be happy and to finish school and get a good job. You deserve better. That is not me. There are many men out there. You just need to be careful. You are a catch. You may not be happy now, but you will be later." When he talks to me this way, he makes me furious.
Last edited by needinput; 02/24/16 12:13 PM.
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As far as I know, Plan B is no contact with my spouse. And, I typically do not contact him, he is the one contacting me when he wants. The problem with plan B is when he comes ere in 3 weeks I will have to speak to him. I have decided to just try my best to keep calm, go to work, and most likely he will be asking me to go with him to take care of documents. I don't know if I can just ignore his requests and just let him take care of business while I do not do anything. If any of these documents require my presence or signature I would have to be there. I don't know what to do. You are completely misunderstanding this. You need to read Dr Harley's articles on the site. Plan B involves a separation. He cannot live at your house. You cannot have no contact with someone if he lives with you, and it is not "no contact" if he is able to contact you when he wants, as he can right now. You need to read about how to Plan B properly.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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As far as I know, Plan B is no contact with my spouse. And, I typically do not contact him, he is the one contacting me when he wants. The problem with plan B is when he comes ere in 3 weeks I will have to speak to him. I have decided to just try my best to keep calm, go to work, and most likely he will be asking me to go with him to take care of documents. I don't know if I can just ignore his requests and just let him take care of business while I do not do anything. If any of these documents require my presence or signature I would have to be there. I don't know what to do. You are completely misunderstanding this. You need to read Dr Harley's articles on the site. Plan B involves a separation. He cannot live at your house. You cannot have no contact with someone if he lives with you, and it is not "no contact" if he is able to contact you when he wants, as he can right now. You need to read about how to Plan B properly. We do not live together. He was deployed for 9 months, came back, I drove 8 hours to bring his stuff, stayed with him 3 days and came back home. He is stationed in another state. We live in different states. Well, he has to contact me for taking care of business. Like I said, he is planning to come here for 2 weeks to separate accounts, car title, insurance, etc. I cannot abandon my home. I have to work and go to school as well. I cannot go stay in a hotel. I am a poor student, I do not have money for all that.
Last edited by needinput; 02/24/16 01:27 PM.
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With regard to the divorce papers, they have to be served by someone else, right? If he were to give me the divorce papers would that be considered properly served?
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Please read how to Plan B in the Notable Posts, then come back to discuss. You need to be in Plan B.
Also, your husband wants a divorce; the paperwork he wants you to sign is unlikely to be in your best interest. I would not sign anything without consulting an attorney. If you have joint assets, you should move half now. You should change the locks. You should not allow him to remove marital property from the home.
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In most states, yes. You would be considered served.
Last edited by apples123; 02/24/16 01:27 PM.
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We do not own anything - two cars, furnature, that's it.
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How long have you been married?
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How long have you been married? married 12 years, together 13 years. Pretty much, he has been in the military for all these years with a gap of several years out of the military. I am in school. We do not own anything because I want to finish with school and get a job before we settle down.
Last edited by needinput; 02/24/16 01:40 PM.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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