DQ, I listened to the radio show over the weekend about the tennis "addict". It really hit home with me and my cycling.

I do have a question for you or anyone else out there. I listened to the MB radio program today and Dr. Harley said that when he and Joyce go out on a date, they never discuss anything related to problems that they are having. They only focus on having fun together. That said, when do you talk about problems? It almost seems to me that the 15 hours of UA is primarily focused on being together in a positive fashion v. discussing things that are difficult...DJ

So that's why I wanted you to share the show with your wife. Because it would help her gain buy in to MB as a resource and as one that would benefit HER.
(Did you share it with her?)

JIM...

Are you trying to explain MB to your wife? If so, she could feel like you are trying to lecture & control her, or like its just another obsession of yours.

We need to figure out a plan of attack to bring her on board. But first we need to know that you can follow through with basic need meeting.

Why are you avoiding my question? I'm not trying to punish you. It's important that you are honest with yourself here so that you can get help.

DQ, I'm not avoiding your question, its just that there are so many posts that I read through and sometimes I may miss responding to a question.

You said: "Are you trying to explain MB to your wife? If so, she could feel like you are trying to lecture & control her, or like its just another obsession of yours.

We need to figure out a plan of attack to bring her on board. But first we need to know that you can follow through with basic need meeting."

No, I have not shared anything about MB with my wife in a very long time. She is not enamored with MB and it is a source of contention between us when I do bring it up. Therefore, I am hesitant to say anything to her about MB until I can actually do something that makes a difference. I feel like once I have done something that is impacting us that I can then bring in the MB principles/radio show/etc.

Thats my thinking at this point.

That is the goal. Wouldn't it be great if your wife could listen in with you? It would not be a good idea to "teach" her how to act on your date. Her attitude for a while will be one of skepticism and hesitancy. You are going to have to suck up your emotional reactions to that for a while and prove to her that you can be consistent. Unless you keep up the schedule of thoughtful messages and asking her out, you will never create goodwill in her. Please start with the basics. And keep those going regardless of what she does.

Because this is so difficult for you to do, I would recommend that you not ask any more questions to "understand". Figuring out the "why" makes no difference if you are too scared to to take action. Once you become consistent with these plans, we can go into further discussion about the complicated issue of her needing to hash and rehash the past trauma.

Take Action and the Feelings will come.

You can do this Jim.

For that reason, I am focusing on one thing, and need you to keep ontrack. Here was the question I need answered...


I also need answers to this please:

What about 3pm?

Did you hug or kiss her when you got home? If not, please try. You can't have your arm around her all weekend and then withdraw when she complains.

Here are the answers to your questions:

What did you do when your alarm went off at 10am and 12 pm?...at 10:00, I sent her an email. At noon, I called her and talked to her for about 20 minutes.

What about 3pm?...Again, I sent her an email

Did you hug or kiss her when you got home?...I did not

In the emails, don't discuss any problems etc. Use them for talking about possible future events, or admiration even though that's difficult to give considering her AOs. Maybe mention the idea of a cruise?

I like the quick check-in call at lunch.

Don't skip when the alarm goes off. It will get easier. You could always text her too. Its like leaving a surprise note for her.

Goal for tomorrow...Stick with the schedule and add a hug or kiss upon leaving and coming home. What do you think?

DQ, I would really like to understand what it is that my wife is seeking by reviewing my past thoughtless behavior. I know that you want me to stop asking questions but I need to know some of these things because she pushes me constantly and tells me that I'm not really talking to her about these things. We just seem to hash over the same stuff (mostly facts about what I did). There never seems to be any real resolution or any real heartfelt conversation about things. I'm confused as to what she is looking for.

By the way, I just wanted you to know that I'm working late tonight. Unplanned and unforeseen until late this afternoon. I called my wife to let her know that I would need to stay late. This is why I can focus so much on the forum...DJ

Okay...how about we make a deal...you promise to keep up your 10,12,3 schedule and I will write my thoughts about your wife's complaints. Deal?

Yes ma'am...thank you

When I reached the point in my marriage that your wife is at, the reason I needed to talk about those things was to make sure my exH UNDERSTOOD what his behavior did to me, and how deeply it hurt me so he would be able to protect me from this kind of behavior in the future.

(He was not interested in MB; it is not MB advice to cooperate with continuously dredging this stuff up, but he refused to follow MB, refused to read an MB book and continued anger outbursting at me. My only hope was to get him to understand.)

If I could have been convinced that he UNDERSTOOD to not behave that way in the future, I would have had more hope that I wouldn't be in the same place all over again, broken heart and all, sometime in the future.

It stirs up the hurt and pain all over again to just talk about it, so it would seem your best plan of action would be to overwhelmingly convince her - the very next time she brings it up - that you understand that you hurt her, and that you have been spending a lot of time learning and implementing a plan that will change your behavior and protect her from your old behavior in the future. Try to put it to rest the next time she talks about it the best you can.

You don't want to keep going back to these discussions and dwelling on her pain; but she won't give them up until you convince her that you understand her pain and are very desirous to **protect** her from a recurrence.

She deserves this wooing and protection from you; but what she doesn't deserve is for you to woo her back and then go back to same old same old.

If I were advising her, I would tell her to enjoy the changes but protect her heart until time had proved them out for a while.

k. I promise to respond tomorrow about the time you are writing kind words to your wife.

In the meantime, what Sunnytimes wrote was my experience also.

100%, Sunnytimes.

Jim, have you written any of this down other than this website? Like a journal?

Hi Apples; to answer your question, I have written in a journal off and on for a number of years. I have not written any of the information contained in this thread however. I do know that being able to go back through your journal and read what was written is oftentimes very helpful and reminds you of where you've been and hopefully what you've changed...DJ

That is a recipe for disaster. MB says not to try repeatedly to make your spouse understand because you will drive yourself nuts. The fact that once in awhile a person might get lucky this way does not mean it's a good idea.

You had another hope: MB would recommend protecting yourself from a spouse who won't do MB. That's a much safer and less riskier approach, so it comes with more hope built-in.

THIS is why I am hesitant to tell you (Jim) my thoughts about your wife's perspective. But since I made a deal with you, I will follow through.

First of all, my understanding from your thread is that you want to keep at this with your wife instead of following Dr. Harley's advice to separate. He gave that advice based on your email, and no input from your wife. You have chosen not to disclose your radio show interactions with your wife. If you had shared that with her, she might have called the show to express her perspective, and maybe you guys would be in a better situation today. It seems like you are trying to fix this alone, and there is no possible way that you can fix your marriage without changes from your wife. She needs to stop bringing up your mistakes of the past, and she needs to change the way she behaves when she feels frustrated with you.

Having said that, you have expressed your intention to change your side of things, so here we are. I really hope that this can serve to keep you ON TRACK, and not as a distraction. The last thing we need is for you to go off replying to multiple posters as has been done for the last 3 years, instead of putting energy into implementing behavioral change.

I'd at least like to know what she is thinking. I just got off of the phone with her...my 10:00 contact. I chose to call this morning...DJ

Keep at it.

Short answer is that she is not "thinking", she is acting out of hurt from what you have done in the past, and fear of you being thoughtless in the future.

I have an appt. and will finish my thoughts in a couple of hours. In the meantime, please work on memorizing a statement that you can use when she goes into a negative,angry,fearful diatribe. I gave you some ideas recently.