Thank you for posting.

Just STOP IT! That is exactly what I need to do. And always consciously direct my thoughts toward her.

I am amazed at how quickly my emotions come in line with what I have committed to doing (exclusively loving her). I already feel my self drawn to her. I think about her and desire her in every way.

It has been such a strong motivator to confess my faults and state clear intentions for changing my behavior here on this forum. There's something so powerful about doing it this way, knowing that you are there and will hold me accountable.

I/we have a long way to go but the journey has begun and I have hope of seeing a brighter future.

I am grateful for all you!

We really did schedule UA time for this week. It looks doable and not so overwhelming to actually set aside this time for us.

Yes, we badly (ok, desperately!) need this time together. At this point it's either move forward with MB or hang it up.

We also ordered the accountability/coaching program from MB. It seemed we just weren't being very effective on our own. Largely my fault I admit.

I'm fiercely independent so signing up for a program where I'm at the mercy of a complete stranger was difficult. Scary too.


I have hope however that it will be very worth it. Besides, I have nothing to lose.

Most importantly, it will be good for her. She has suffered far more than I have.

That's fantastic. Keep us updated on how it's going.

We went to the gym together several times now. I am enjoying going and being with her there.

In a recent show Dr Harley described the awkwardness that many have felt after going through the MB seminar. He said "people often feel that all of the other forms of communicating are gone and all they have left is to say: 'how do you feel about this or that' and that feels awkward. It feels like something they learned in a seminar somewhere."

Boy can I relate! I want to say something but I have this censoring voice inside saying: "nope, can't say that!" gotta say "how do you feel about this." It is difficult to say those words in anything but an amiable state of mind. It is a struggle to change my vocabulary but I feel good about it. I like how it makes me feel toward her, like she is important and worthy of the utmost care. It is surprising what a difference word choice makes.

I am struggling with resentment because of things I can't do that bother her. According to MB principles, if something bothers a spouse, that's the end of it. Dr Harley reasons that resentment type A is worse than type B because type A results from actions which one can't away from while type B resentment lasts only until another suitable activity takes the place of the activity which caused the bother. I beg to differ. There are activities for which there is nothing to replace them with.

How do you guys work through this? How do you solve it when there is an activity which one spouse REALLY enjoys but must abandon because it bothers the other spouse?

Yes, I know we're supposed to negotiate but what if there is no activity that takes it's place? The resentment does not go away...

Why can't you find a replacement activity? Was it a sort of addiction?

Is that activity really the only thing you could ever enjoy doing?

If not, it's replaceable.

No it wasn't an addiction.

One activity which I miss is shooting. As far as I know, there is no replacement for it.

I have a major problem with the general philosophy but I'm not sure that I can discuss that here.

The thing about replacements is that they don't have to be similar to the thing you are replacing.

The point is to fill your life together with activities from God's creation that bring you both joy and give you something to look forward to in life. There are a zillion activities that might give you joy, and there are a billion activities that might give your wife joy. And out of both of those very large sets, there is a smaller set of maybe a million things that are in your set and in her set. Fill your life with those activities.

So you would enjoy shooting, but she doesn't enjoy for you to do it, so you find something else enjoyable to do. Maybe you need to try something absolutely new, or maybe it's something you already enjoy. The replacement might be taking up windsurfing, or going on more vacations, or having Chinese food more often, or owning a cat. The replacement is whatever you enjoy that gives you something to look forward to and may be nothing like shooting. But your resentment will go away when you succeed at building a happy life that is compatible with your wife.

There are a lot of things I used to enjoy before I got married. When my marriage was terrible, I missed those things a LOT! One example would be taking walks in the suburbs in the evenings where I used to live, particularly at Christmas time. Another would be certain video games I used to play. But once my wife Prisca and I succeeded at building a good marriage together, my resentment went away. Part of doing that was filling our life with things that I (and she) look forward to.

Dr. Harley used to play chess before Joyce, but he had to eliminate that from his life in order to be compatible with her. He doesn't miss it because they filled their life with other things. The replacement wasn't checkers or online chess or anything similar - it was just other activities they enjoy.

When you look at depressed people's schedules, you see that they have nothing to look forward to each day. I've found it's very important for my wife and me to fill our schedules with things that we look forward to. What you're feeling now is the sense of irretrievable loss that depressed people feel - you've lost something in your schedule that you looked forward to. You need to find something to look forward to that your wife loves having in your life. You might ask Dr. Harley for some help if you can't think of anything.

I'd suggest starting trying some new activities to see how they work soon, before depression sets in.

You can tell us what obstacles you see. You can't go post to others and tell them "this stuff will never work!" or anything like that. Obviously it has worked for many of us.

You can have whatever philosophy you want, but the evidence suggests that people pretty much can't have a good marriage if their philosophy is that they out to be able to do some things that bother their spouse.

Did you know that I had to give up going out to lunch from work for awhile? It bothered my wife. I think the day I did that in response to her complaint was the day she finally realized I was serious. You and I both know almost everybody would tell me that it is crazy for me to not be able to go out to lunch when I like if we have the money. But we also know that almost everybody has a terrible marriage.

Thank you markos for your reply, I will ponder what you said.
Blessings!

After pondering what you said markos, she and I had a discussion about the topic of finding activities to replace lost ones which didn't make the POJA cut. During our discussion I had a light bulb moment because of a hypothetical suggestion she made regarding somebody elses situation. I'm definitely more enthusiastic than before about POJA!

So thanks markos for your help.

So glad to hear I could help, Pearlseeker. Keep up the good work!

Let me just add that looking at other people's issues really does help those light bulbs to go on with your own. That's one of the selfish reasons I became so active around here. I was 99.9% blind to my own disrespect that I showed Prisca, but slowly I learned to see it when other people were doing it, and that helped me figure out what I was doing wrong. Same for a lot of other issues.

A little update:

So last weekend, (Fri,Sat) we had several rather unpleasant discussions. On Saturday during our discussion something very important was brought up. I felt strongly that unless we could resolve this issue, I could not continue in this marriage.

Fast forward to Sunday night. We had a recorded conversation during which we discussed the issue. I think we also discussed my use of instagram. Long story short, after our discussion I told her I wouldn't use instagram anymore at the house until we discussed it and found a mutually satisfactory solution.

The next day it was like the clouds parted and I found myself in this beautiful land where the flowers vibrate with sound and I felt in love with her! I told her that I don't know why I feel this way, that it felt weird but I couldn't stop thinking about her and thinking how much I loved her.

Looking back, the only plausible explanation I can come up with for the change in how I feel is that I gave up instagram out of genuine care for her. Does this make sense?

So now I want to continue living in this blissful state of love more than I want my necessary food. I'm very concerned that I don't slip back into old habits but rather move forward and regain her love and affection so that the feeling will be mutual. Sandy recommended to us that the most important thing to do going forward is to have plenty of UA time which will facilitate the maintenance of this feeling of love. Any advice from you guys would be much appreciated.

I must have this "drug", I'm fast becoming hooked on love.

That's so great, Pearlseeker!!

Choosing to exercise goodwill and care toward your spouse can be so freeing. Maybe the efforts you both have made little by little are adding up and this last act of care was like the final climb to the top of a mountain.

As a sidenote: Gotta hand it to Sandy- she is unbelievably patient. :)(Speaking from experience.)

Sorry I'm a bit late to this - that is wonderful news, Pearlseeker!

My guess is that now that you are doing a better job of avoiding love busters (like the independent behavior of instagram), your wife feels much better toward you and it shows - and it makes her a lot more effective in meeting your emotional needs. So now you can be in love! The reward!

Keep up the good work - keep following the program. Dr. Harley's methods really do create and sustain this feeling. You are right that it is like a drug. I am convinced God created us to feel this way, and that doing so is a gift from Him.

The biggest challenge is to stay in love. Not quite there yet.

For many of us, the process is full of ups and downs as small deposits and withdrawals move us above and below the threshold in the love bank several times. I actually feel like I learned a lot from that - I learned that when my wife is not in love with me, I can fix that, so if something happens to destabilize us for a bit I quickly get to work making things right.

You might feel some encouragement from reading Dr. Harley's article about his marriage counseling process:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html


Fits and starts - but improvement. And you'll learn how to have a good marriage, for life. And your children will learn by living in it.

Thank you markos! It is very helpful and encouraging to know others have been here and have made it through to stable love.

Fits and starts here too, but overall progress should be positive. Something that I noticed pulls us back is sacrificing. If I sacrifice, the Love Bank takes a big hit.

HTH