Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 34 of 43 1 2 32 33 34 35 36 42 43
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
The therapist is for your son, not you. Don't blend the reason you are there.

On the cash front, why did you give her money? why didn't you offer to go get lunch or food or whatever. You are enabling, she will come back again and again asking for more.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 65
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Originally Posted by Aerith
Our belief system is a major source of our abilities and our limitations.

Lost, it looks like you cannot see either an opportunity or an issue when posters point at them. Unfortunately, your belief system works against you in your efforts to save your marriage.

Why therapy session would be volatile? Do you think you won't be able to control your emotions?

Yes, I think I am not seeing the forest for the trees. It's very hard to see things from a 30,000 ft level when I'm down in the trenches. I can see other people's situation clearly on their threads, but it's hard to adjust myself.

I talked to the therapist and she thought maybe the first session is better with just me to learn the background. I might get too emotional if I go with WW and I think potentially it will generate a lot of LB's for WW. Also, with WW still deep in the Fog, I'm not sure how much acceptance she will have of any of the ideas. She made it clear she would only go if it's for DS and NOT her (IC).

It's understandable that you are overstressed, overwhelmed with emotions and advises at the moment and not in your best resourceful state of mind.

I would take some time for myself (could be couple of hours daily or half day spa or hiking or anything else that you could do alone)and during that time fully clean the brain from all thoughts at all.

You can try meditation, NLP or anything else - whatever would help you to calm, control and expand your mind. For me personally NLP was mind opening experience.



Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Originally Posted by NebDane
The therapist is for your son, not you. Don't blend the reason you are there.

Bingo

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by NebDane
On the cash front, why did you give her money? why didn't you offer to go get lunch or food or whatever. You are enabling, she will come back again and again asking for more.

She bought a bunch of grocery for all of us, so I just gave her a small amount. It's tiny compared to the support she will get from me soon, I think it was a good gesture rather than battling for every little thing.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by DidntQuit
Originally Posted by NebDane
The therapist is for your son, not you. Don't blend the reason you are there.

Bingo

To be honest, now that I reflected on it, she may not be the best therapist for my son given her views on marriage and relationships... I will interview others to see if I can find one that will fit.

One thing she said may be true, if DS is not having any issues or symptoms, it may best to be leave him alone for now. Hopefully he will be strong when WW moves out of the house and we split custody.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Update: We resolved the court appearance tomorrow. Through this experience I learned her attorneys are here to drain our cash. It was terrible, they got caught on semantics. I hate to see how much we are billed for all the stupid SNAFU's today emailing back and forth.

Next is working on the support and child custody for Separation Agreement. I am so exhausted! Hopefully her lawyers won't be such a bonehead again and waste our resources.

How should I work my Plan A today? We have been pleasant enough to each other these last few days, we spent time watching the Oscars and joked with each other. But I'm trying to figure out how to express my feelings without becoming a needy mess.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
How should I work my Plan A today? We have been pleasant enough to each other these last few days, we spent time watching the Oscars and joked with each other. But I'm trying to figure out how to express my feelings without becoming a needy mess.

DON'T talk about your feelings. Just be pleasant and try to have fun together. Why would you talk about your feelings? Your feeling about what?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
DON'T talk about your feelings. Just be pleasant and try to have fun together. Why would you talk about your feelings? Your feeling about what?

Yeah, you are right, need to stay away from that! No, we've been pleasant together.

Of course, what I really want to tell WW is that I care about her despite everything that's happened, that I am not trying to hurt her, and that everything can be surmounted if she will NC the POSOM. But of course she won't hear any of that. Maybe after she moves out??? Per MIL her main concern is that I can never overcome her second betrayal, and that our marriage will always be under a cloud.

frown

The good news is I was able to get my broker to get my records from April 1998 and there are significant securities that I owned prior to marriage that have been kept separate all these years. Some of them the value have gone up 20 fold since I bought them as a wee lad!

So I can hopefully segregate them as my separate property and protect myself.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[
Of course, what I really want to tell WW is that I care about her despite everything that's happened, that I am not trying to hurt her, and that everything can be surmounted if she will NC the POSOM. But of course she won't hear any of that. Maybe after she moves out??? Per MIL her main concern is that I can never overcome her second betrayal, and that our marriage will always be under a cloud.

Naw, she is not worried about that at all. She is using that as an excuse to carry forward with her plan. So don't get yourself twisted up about this.

Quote
The good news is I was able to get my broker to get my records from April 1998 and there are significant securities that I owned prior to marriage that have been kept separate all these years. Some of them the value have gone up 20 fold since I bought them as a wee lad!

So I can hopefully segregate them as my separate property and protect myself.

Great!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Got a question: My WW incurred a major dental bill for $8K in December, she got the installment plan. Now that she filed, do I have to pay it? Pay it from the community funds? How would that work? She wouldn't pay it herself, she said I should pay it.
Grrr... I get all the crap and none of the gravy.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by Woundednotbroken
You are resisting though. You don't ASK your attorney if you should file, you file. Its not your attorney's choice, its yours. Lawyers want an EASY divorce, not a contentious one.

Re-reading my thread. Now in hindsight I think my lawyer was right. It really didn't matter if I filed or she did first. She could bring up any of the motions just as easily...


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
FromVAR, do you know when she first started planning divorce? Some judges take into account bills intentionally incurred just prior to filing. I have no idea what your local judges consider.

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by apples123
FromVAR, do you know when she first started planning divorce? Some judges take into account bills intentionally incurred just prior to filing. I have no idea what your local judges consider.

From her email, she claims she was thinking about it "for a long time." She told me she's been "unhappy" for the last two years, but then when I asked her why did she email POSOM 9 years ago, her story changed. Typical WW babble. But it wasn't until November last year she opened up a separate bank account.

She did have a cracked crown and she was in pain so it was real at that time. Checking with my lawyer but chances are I'll have to pay it...

Learned from VAR that she is planning to file for custody, and then after that the support payments. We had an informal schedule worked out in writing, where she gets DS Sunday-Tuesday and I get him Thursday-Saturday, and we switch off on Wednesdays. But now she said we need a "formal agreement" with all the holidays... I don't understand this. Seems like her lawyer wants to go to court for every little thing.

She told MIL that she cannot move out until the custody is settled. This is the worst of both worlds, I gave her the money so she can move out. I think it's exasperating things because she hurts my emotions at times, and she's doing things irrationally because she feels "trapped and controlled" since she can't leave. Meantime she's paying for the darn apartment that I gave her $ for!

After that it will be a fight for the support payments. They want to go to court for that too.

This really su*ks! What a waste of time and money.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 03/01/16 12:22 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Financial support of your family is an obligation, not just an emotional need. Judges do not care about concerns framed as emotional needs, but they care a great deal about making certain that obligations are met. Evidently, you believe that you should be free to walk away from your financial obligations when you so choose. Any judge will think otherwise. Whether one chooses to feel disrespected, frustrated, or angry doesn't matter. Expecting to be able to terminate support at your discretion is not reasonable from any third-party perspective.

I don't have a problem with child support. We're probably going to have 50/50 custody anyway.

What I struggle with is maintenance (alimony in my state). Why should I have to pay someone who cheated on me, violated her vows, and completely showed no respect for me for potentially the rest of her life?

I can understand if I'm the cheater having to pay this. I just have a hard time coming to grips with this part of the law.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Just got my legal invoice for last month. Spent enough for a nice vacation for the three of us!

This is definitely not a good game to play...

Has anyone used a mediator instead of going to court? It seems like the traditional legal route is really stacked against both of us. They are designed to generate conflict which generates billable hours. Also, the conflict can't be healthy or help in Plan A. Not sure what WW thinks but I'm sure she is stung by her bill as well (probably much higher).

What do you guys think?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
If you are trying to save your marriage then it best to stall the divorce for as long as you can to kill the affair an do a great plan A.

Problem is only you know how much financial damage you can take.

So do not let yourself get sucked into fighting longer than you should.

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
Mediators can be effective, but usually they are not binding until signed by a judge. They tend to favor who set up the session, a woman will tend to favor the woman.
I went down this route initially, my ex and I worked out a temporary custody arrangements despite the barrage of lies. Ex pulled the plug after the mediator didn't agree with my ex on division of assets. My mediator is recognized as one of the best in my state, i ended up challenging the final bill and 25% was waived.

In other words, you may get it all worked out in mediation and at the last minute the wayward "has a change of heart". Then you are back to where you started. Happens all the time.

If the waywared would be honorable then it would be effective way to save money.
I have yet to hear of a wayward being honorable.


Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by TheRoad
If you are trying to save your marriage then it best to stall the divorce for as long as you can to kill the affair an do a great plan A.

Problem is only you know how much financial damage you can take.

So do not let yourself get sucked into fighting longer than you should.

From the first interaction, the opposing counsel seems to be eager to pick fights. She's working on bringing a bunch of motions that will require court appearances (and thus more billing!) My attorney pays lip service to saving cost and complaining about her tactics, but I don't see him minimizing it either... Then I started thinking, it's like a buyer's agent in a real estate deal, are you going try to minimize your own income?

Also, all these maneuverings just make both of us mad and cost us money long term. We can stall the case but I'm wondering if it will just degrade our relationship further due to the adversarial nature of the process?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
Lost
You have hit on the most challenging part of Plan A in my opinion.
I know i was far from perfect, but as long as you are in Plan A you grin and bear it. You are NOT to be a doormat though.
It is an art to be able to strike a balance here.

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
Talked to my attorney, he agreed mediation is the way to go. Or at least to get an agreement beforehand.
Just hope WW is going to do it as well.
More important than the $ is reducing the strife.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Page 34 of 43 1 2 32 33 34 35 36 42 43

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (BuckeyeGrad), 166 guests, and 111 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH, Itstiffanyluv2u
71,769 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,562
Posts2,322,996
Members71,769
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5