Did she bring up a specific problem or lovebuster?

No it was just a general statement. It bothers her that I don't bring things up on my own. She feels like I am ignoring what she has asked me to do. This has been a consistent complaint from her for a very long time. I do feel that I can talk about these things now and not be on the defense or provoking a fight. I really do want to work through these things but I'm not sure how to deal with this situation...DJ

So she feels like she always has to complain and bring up problems instead of you taking the initiative?

That is not the same as harping on mistakes of the past. Are these unresolved issues she keeps bringing up?

Can you give me a few examples?

I just deleted a post...will wait for an answer to my last post, just to keep it simple.

DQ, one example is that I took a job without making the decision with her. I acted on my own and even promised to talk with her about it and then didn't. This one event encompassed a number of love busters; dishonesty, independent behavior, avoiding difficulty, etc. we have talked about what I did to adnauseum but we have never really dealt with the love busters and talked through them together...is that what you're looking for?

She does complain that I never bring things up on my own, I have to be pushed into discussing things.

I don't think that any of our issues are resolved. Nice referenced a few of these in past posts...taking the job without involving her in the decision, sleeping with the dog when she was sick, backing away from her at ikea after she broke some glasses. These are just a few of the things that we have yet to resolve.

I would recommend that you:

1. Buy a project notebook.
This will serve to organize each topic you discuss. At the bottom of the page there should be a spot for checklists or decisions.
2. Print out 2 copies of this guide:
Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
3. Ask your wife if she would be willing to use that guide as a framework for discussing these past issues.
4. Ask your wife if she would mind if you take notes to clarify and for future reference.

Hopefully this approach will show her that you are taking her seriously, but it will also set the ground rules.

If she agrees, then plan a time with her to disuss one topic of her choosing.

What do you think about that idea?

Is there something in the present that recalls these issues- exp. Still at that job?

Yes, I am still in the same job. We invested some money in this company and its not something that we can just walk away from and get a new job. We are banking that we will be able to sell this company and fund our retirement. There are some deep scars related to taking this job...

Yes that sounds like a good idea. Jim just kind of baffled as to what my wife is wanting from me.

I meant to say I'm just kind of baffled...typing on my phone and it's easy to make mistakes.

Telling her that you're baffled about what she wants from you would be a DJ. You're saying to your wife that after all the times you have talked about it, she is being unreasonable to want anything from you at all. In this case, you ASSUME that nothing can be done to UNDO a situation when truth is, there are many things that can be done. However difficult or painful, they could be done.

Being "baffled" after discussing adnauseum is a sign that you are not really asking her questions about her perspective. You are most likely in a defensive stance, one of explaining why you did something and how there are no reasonable solutions, instead of asking her for how she'd like to see the problem solved.

So, in your discussions with her, STOP saying things like, "I don't understand" or "I'm confused" or that "baffles" me. Those are ALL the same as saying, "your position is outrageous".

The appropriate action for you to take when you feel baffled, is to ask her what she would like or prefer, WRITE IT DOWN, then let her read it to double check that you heard her correctly, and NO DJs about it.

For example, in the job situation, your wife may feel that your selling the business NOW is the only thing that would resolve the problem you created with IB. But you are ASSUMING that to be impossible so you disregard her or act baffled that she would think of it. That would be like saying that the milk was spilled so there are no options to clean it up. Do you see how that could infuriate your wife and turn a mistake of the past into a present problem?

You need to study that article about negotiating before you approach your wife. You are missing some of the pieces, and you don't want to create bad feelings again by skipping steps. Can you do that, and see which parts are difficult for you?

Can you buy the project notebook today? While you are at it, please buy a small notebook to carry around with you, to take notes about things your wife says bother her and issues that need solving. You may need a small backpack to carry around. My husband learned to do this and he is always prepared with his planner and notebooks, highlighters and whiteout. I love it!

[quote=DidntQuit]

Telling her that you're baffled about what she wants from you would be a DJ.

DidntQuite, I don't understand what "DJ" means...can you remind me?

Disrespectful judgements

This is an example of the thinking:

The milk is spilt and it's too expensive to clean it up.

What about an oil spill? Just leave it?

We can make terrible decisions using our best intentions. We still need to right the wrong somehow. The consequences of making it right, are mitigated by the just compensation you will be providing your wife from now on. Otherwise, your wife is living daily with a painful reminder.

You are right on about replacing "we" with "you". I understand that. I also like your example of the spilled milk/oil spill. I understand that his is a painful reminder every day to my wife of what I did without her input.

How do we resolve these issues from an MB perspective and when do we do this? It seems that whenever we have attempted to talk these through, we end up in a bad place. If we do this at home, home becomes a reminder of all of the pain, if we do it on a date, the date is ruined and the love bank deposits don't happen. I'm not sure what my wife is ultimately wanting is that I never do anything like this again. How/when/where do we approach these issues so that they become love bank deposits instead of withdrawals? I'm sure that I've probably read this in one of Dr. Harley's books but I don't remember at this point...

The following would be Disrespectful Judgments. Can you see how they judge the other person's idea to be illogical?

We can't do that!

I cannot understand (why you would want to do that...)

I'm baffled that (you would consider losing thousands by doing that...)

Why would you even think about (taking a loss when you yourself wanted to invest?)

I'm just surprised that you would want me to ruin my career.

Yes, I can see how saying things like the statements above would be considered disrespectful judgments. I think that I've probably used every one of those at some time over the past years.

All of the questions you just asked are outlined in that article. You need to study it and apply it. By printing it out, your wife will see the ground rules also.

Jim, this job thing is huge. That is why I wish you and your wife could sign up for the online program to get help with this. You and your wife, for 30 years, have been unable to solve problems together. What about some sessions with Steve Harley, focusing on the job/retirement issue?

Another idea is to email the radio show about the job situation, and forward it to your wife, with the idea that she write seperately to them. Dr. Harley and Joyce could help you guys out. Let your wife know that she doesn't have to go on the show if she doesn't want to. And that she could remain anonymous.

What are your thoughts about my suggestions to get help with this?

I think that is a good idea. At this point, I'm not willing to approach my wife on this just yet because of her feelings towards MB. She doesn't know that I've been on the forum discussing our problems and I feel that she will take that in a very negative way at this point. I might consider going on the radio show again. Its just very difficult to keep doing the MB stuff behind her back. I feel like I'm just getting deeper and deeper into the MB program and I'm concerned that this will be yet another thing that will cause great pain to her because she doesn't know what I've been doing. I believe that as we start to gain momentum with changing how I am and then how we deal with things, it will be easier to approach her with the MB concepts. I don't feel like we are there yet thought at this point.