Well my IM told him that one of the next 2 Sunday's works for me. But he has not responded. Our next court date isn't until June 2nd. So I suppose he could wait it out until it's all finalized. Though I don't know why he would want to do that knowing its out in the elements under an open carport/unfinished garage. So now I wait for him. Whatev....moving forward!

So...update...my IM told me that my WH has expressed that he is torn about what to do. That he is considering reconciliation...with one caveat...he will not quit his job where his affair partners work...and he will buy his own condo or TH...so that he will never feel insecure again. Is this respond worthy? For me...not quitting his job and buying a bachelor pad is a never gonna happen thing. Do I unblock his email and discuss with him directly? My IM has not responded but she did communicate with me this information as she took it as a signal for possible reconciliation.

I guess he told my IM that his job will pay for his masters degree...as the excuse for not being willing to leave his current job where these women also work. Excuses to me. Did the PA end...seems like it...but who really knows anymore...I sure don't. And honestly...I can no longer tell the difference in truth...lies...games or manipulation.

Sigh.

Once again, this information should never have reached you from your IM. What is it that she still does not understand? Is this a) urgent financial information, b) urgent information about your children (I know that you have none in common), c) information stating that he has met the terms of your Plan B letter and is begging you take him back, or d) none of the above?

In fact, these thought should never have been discussed between your IM and WH at all. Under what circumstances is he telling her his thoughts? That does not sound as if he has learned that she is there only to pass on urgent information. It sounds as if she and he are STILL discussing your marriage together. That is not an IM's role. She wants you to get back together, and she is passing on any crumbs that he passes her, hoping that you will eat them. She knows that there is a strong possibility that you will eat them. Why does she want you to go back to this drug-addled, alcoholic, violent adulterer?

always, you can communicate with your WH as soon as you like, in whatever manner you want to, but if you are here to receive Marriage Builders advice, you already know the answer to that.

What were the conditions given in your Plan B letter, that you sent telling him when you would be willing to talk to him again? Did the conditions include his staying in the job? Did the conditions say that he could buy his own condo and keep one foot out of the door?

And while we're on that subject, did they say anything about his drug and alcohol addiction? Has he said anything to the IM to show that he has been in a treatment programme for several months, and is clean and dry?

You're desperate to have him back; we get that. However, we on the Marriage Builders forum are not going to endorse "Plan always", where you take him back on his terms.

By all means unblock your email and talk to him, if that's what you want. Have him back while he works with OW and uses drugs and alcohol, if that's what you want. Is that what you want?

She is clearly passing on whole text messages again, as well as passing on thoughts and excuses that she should be shielding you from. She is not an Intermediary at all.

The IM should never pass this nonsense onto you. What part of "must meet all conditions" does she not get? You already communicated your conditions to him via the Plan B letter.

The IM should NEVER send you this stuff. If he is unclear about your conditions, she only needs to send the Plan B letter again and not even mention this to you.

You should never have any communication with him until he has agreed to meet your conditions 100%. He is not even at 1%.

Always, if you are not serious about Plan B how can you expect it from him?


This is not a person who is even remotely serious.

I wish you would find an intermediary. Even so, she should only respond back that: "this information won't be passed onto Always. Her conditions are that you leave the job and commit to the marriage. Getting a condo does not meet that criteria in the least."

I don't know if my plan B said any of that. I will have to go thru my emails to see what I wrote. I know it said most of what you said...but not the condo...I didn't see that coming nor was it in any letter.

Yes I sent one of the sample plan B letters. Minus the separate residences clause. I added that and emailed it to my IM asking her to forward to WH again.

Could you post a copy of exactly what you wrote?

You don't need to specifically say anything about the condo. The fact that he wrote such a stupid thing is an indicator he is not serious. That is covered under "commit to our marital recovery." Keeping a separate residence is NOT the comment of someone who is serious.

I will when I get home...cant post from cell phine too long for cell that it covers the SUBMIT button

Always, I am concerned that your IM not only does not understand her role, but also has no sense of discernment. Surely she knows his letter was not a sign of sincerity? How could she not know that?

Do you have anyone else who could step into this role for you?

I'm concerned about that too, but I am also concerned that you posted here asking whether you should unblock his number and discuss this "proposal" with him. I'm very worried that you were in any way willing to take this seriously. You still do not have any determination not to let him treat you badly again.

I still think that the reason the IM passed this on to you is because you want her to. You still have not conveyed to her that you do not want to hear crap from your H, because, I suspect you are only paying lip service to Plan B. I think you've been treating her as a mediator, and not an intermediary, all along. I think you're hoping that as a mediator, she will sweet-talk your H into going back with you. That's why you have not stopped her discussing his thoughts with him - you think and hope that this will do some good.

And it's because you'll take him back with no conditions at all, not even that he ends his affair, that you come here seeking permission to give serious consideration to the scraps that he throws your way.

In re-reading my plan B letter you both are right SC and ML. I never gave that letter to either of my IMs. I did that. And you're right SC...it's table scraps and I'm better than that.

No I don't use my IM as a mediator. And she has done well to not pass crap thru since the last time we discussed her.

Did you send any version of a Plan B letter to your H? If so, what did it say?

Or are you saying you never sent a Plan B letter at all?

I've spent a lot of time reading your thread from the beginning (I've done this before), and I see that you never exposed to his employer. We pushed and dragged you towards doing that, and somehow you managed to give us the slip and not do it.

Well, you can see where that has got you now. Your H continues to work with OW, and dares to suggest going back to you while he continues to do that. The affair is nowhere near ending, but he has thrown you crumbs, and you are so desperate to have him back that you'll consider discussing having him home while he still works with her.

I'm so saddened by this.

I sent the version that addressed addiction and 12 step program. I had my IM send an updated one today that included leaving his job now that I know it was a work place affair and his volunteer place as well as no separate residences.

But yes when I went NC I sent that email to him before blocking his email. So now he has two plan B letters.

Oh heck no is he welcome back. No way. Desperate to not be divorced...yes...desperate to work thru stuff...yes...but back in my home...NO. I've never said that.

And yes I regret not sending the workplace an exposure email.

You CAN rectify that.