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Do you already have an IM?
A good Plan B requires a good preparation. So snoop, prepare your plan B letter, plan exposure. Educate yourself on the essentials of plan B. How do I choose an IM? Is it my choose or should he be included in that decision? I know it should be someone neutral and I have a common friend in mind, but I'm not sure if he would go along with her. She is someone that is married to one of his childhood friends and they are also struggling with their marriage. She's given me a lot of advise on how to fix things between us and really wants us to stay together, but she also accepts the fact that we might end up with divorcing. You get to choose the IM. And it needs to be someone who can agree to act as a spam filter and present an neutral front TO HIM. I need to emphasize this because I DO NOT want you to choose an IM who is "neutral" about adultery. That is not a person who can really help you. We EXPECT that your husband will balk at using the IM; they always do. But if he wants to get a messasge to you, he will have to use the IM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know I've might sound hopeless when it comes to my snooping it's just that all the devices of his are very secure which makes it so much harder. I'm trying to find new ways of catching him. Recording him is soooo hard since it's an illegal act in my country and I could do time for it so I need to be careful. I am looking into other ways I can find something out and I sort of have a plan. Recording a phone conversation may be illegal or may not be presented in a court of law, but recording sounds in your own home should not be. Even if you hear one-sided conversation (your H talking to others), it will be sufficient for you to determine the extent of his affair. You will not need to reveal how you find out, you just need the facts. So research what your country's laws are on these carefully. The other thing is to search through his things when he's not around. Spouses having affairs get careless. That's how I found out a lot of things about my WW, from physical searches. Papers, notes, receipts, etc. can be very helpful in finding out what they are doing.
Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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You are all such a big help to me, I just wanted to say thank you!
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You're very welcome. This is a tough time in your life, I know it is for me as well. Hang in there and be strong!
Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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No, you just send him the Plan B letter - AFTER HE MOVES OUT - and in it you tell him that he needs to end his affair and commit to a plan of recovery. The plan of recovery is the Marriage Builders program that is outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, you just send him the Plan B letter - AFTER HE MOVES OUT - and in it you tell him that he needs to end his affair and commit to a plan of recovery. The plan of recovery is the Marriage Builders program that is outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. Yes, I'm planning to kick him out Sunday (gathering some more evidence) and have the letter sent to his office. I'm listening to book now, and I'm not that far yet, but is it any of these programs? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html
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[
Yes, I'm planning to kick him out Sunday (gathering some more evidence) and have the letter sent to his office. Good idea! Do you have an IM set up yet? The program is this: basic concepts You CAN pay to go through the MB courses if you want. Or you can go through the steps with your husband on your own. The program is outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But you don't need to concern yourself about this now. What you need to focus on is getting separated and going into Plan B. You are nowhere NEAR a program of recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, I told her the whole story and she was sooo shocked but she took the job.
Aha, well that program I'm VERY familiar with. I've almost read (listened) to most of his books. I've had my H read some of it and since he like logic I thought he would be into this but he wasn't, and well, we all know why now.
Btw, do I tell him when I ask him to move that I know about his affair? Or do I just explain it in the letter? I feel I would like to tell him that I know before he leaves...but that might end up with love busters?
Last edited by starfish83; 03/10/16 09:49 AM.
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GET the evidence of the affair and expose it. Once you expose it, he will know you know.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Aha, well that program I'm VERY familiar with. I've almost read (listened) to most of his books. Good!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have now verified that he has an affair. I feel so sick. Not sure what to do. I want to kick him out tomorrow but I can't since I'm going away for the weekend and he owns the house together with me so I can't change the locks. I'm afraid that they are going to be at our house when I'm not here. She's not married but she just separated from her "boyfriend". Apparently my H is afraid that they are going to get back together again. I'm scared to tell her bf about their affair and drive them into each other's arms. I know most affairs dies but I'm not sure about this one.
I don't want to do anything rushed and I need to go back to bed and sleep next to him and figure out what to do. I want my old hubby back, the one I fell in love with, not this monster :'(
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I have now verified that he has an affair. I'm so sorry. What have you found out that's new? How did you find out? Do you know this woman's name now? Is she the one with the kids? Why were you going away without him in the first place?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Yepp it's her. I took his phone while he was asleep and found their conversation on whatsup. Saw his code earlier today. It's in the middle of the night here, can't go and lie next to him. I tried. Just can't. He's waking up in 2 hours and then I'm going to kick him out. He owes me that at least. Going to take his key and then think about what to do. Can I send the letter on Monday? And just ignore him if he tries to contact me during the weekend?
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Yepp it's her. I took his phone while he was asleep and found their conversation on whatsup. Saw his code earlier today. It's in the middle of the night here, can't go and lie next to him. I tried. Just can't. He's waking up in 2 hours and then I'm going to kick him out. He owes me that at least. Going to take his key and then think about what to do. Can I send the letter on Monday? And just ignore him if he tries to contact me during the weekend? No, don't kick him out this weekend. Did you send the evidence to yourself??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yepp it's her. I took his phone while he was asleep and found their conversation on whatsup. Saw his code earlier today. It's in the middle of the night here, can't go and lie next to him. I tried. Just can't. He's waking up in 2 hours and then I'm going to kick him out. He owes me that at least. Going to take his key and then think about what to do. Can I send the letter on Monday? And just ignore him if he tries to contact me during the weekend? Can you capture that evidence? Can you send yourself a screenshot? Also, can you download spyware onto his phone, quickly?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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He woke up and I told him to get out of the house. Can't stand him being here. I've asked for the keys, but he says he has the right to be here. Earlier this week he told me that he could move out if I wanted him to. Guess he's panicking right now. Well if he doesn't go, I will. Now I understand why you should pack his stuff and change the locks, too bad it doesn't apply to my country.
I have all the evidence I need, no need to install anything.
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I would not leave if I were you. Can you cancel your trip?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know. It's with my bff but I guess I could. I'm not really feeling to go anywhere anyhow... I just don't want to be anywhere near him 
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