So, what are your thoughts after talking to the Harleys?

I very much feel for you. This revelation of the physical affair is the bottom of the well. You can only climb up from here. It may not seem so now, but the truth is that the fact that there was a physical affair actually makes very little difference. The task before you would be the same. You still would have to build a romantic relationship with your wife, and it would actually be just as hard.

I am here to tell you that it can be done. My wife and I did it. You can, too. It will require you shedding some of those preconceptions and replacing those with sound Marriage Builders principles.

And, for goodness sakes, get some medication to help you through this. Until I did, I found it impossible not to obsess about the affair and not to keep bringing it up in conversation. Medication restores normality to your brain. Do you think you are in a normal state right now? I'd bet you are not yourself. Don't be like an idiot who shuns doctors when they need treatment. It is a mark of strength and character to know when you need help.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. Today my ws and I did the MB radio show which was helpful and encouraging. We have completed the checklist above except for one item which was mentioned on air today. Last night I encouraged her to come back to our bed which she did. It seems like this has a chance of working to me. My greatest trouble is my brain and all of the movies that Satan likes to project in my dark room. I won't talk about them anymore which I think is helpful and we agreed to spend 15 hours every week together. Soon we will probably enjoy that more than we do now. Though we are not as emotional as before. I'm trying to step away when the triggers happen which is helpful for her. Dr. Hartley thinks that I am at chapter 7 in the surviving book.

I hear you Eureka brother, I started on some low dose anti depressant today. After the show. Hope it will help. Thank you again.

So glad you spoke to Dr. Harley. You will get better if you follow his advice!

Excellent! ADs was one of the best Marriage Builders steps I took, and one I resisted for far, far too long.

If it doesn't help, you will need to notify your doctor. Finding the correct medication and dosage levels can require some experimentation. You will know you are on the right track if it makes you feel normal. When I stopped needing meds, the same dosage that once made me feel normal only made me sleepy. It is curious how it works. Just like an injury to your body, an injury to your brain responds differently over time. There has been research that shows changes to MRI scans of people who have been through severe emotional trauma. The injury is real, and it takes time to heal.

I don't feel any different yet but I will keep in mind what you have said. Thanks for sharing your experience.

It is the strangest thing, since being on the program, and in an effort to be more open with me, my WS now wants to discuss the affair more. I want to be a good listener but am not sure that I can handle being an outlet for her on this topic but I am trying. I told her I don't think we should talk about it so we can heal. I believe she needs to get some things out. Difficult for both. I think we need some kind of timeline there.

I did install the app. Thx Markos.

When your wife went on about how the affair was absolutely over, it set off my detector. It isn't that I question her sincerity so much as that I know affairs are incredibly addictive. How often do addicts declare themselves free of their addiction only to fall back into it? Do not allow the recovery of your marriage to be dependent upon the self-resolve of someone who has already failed. Be diligent in establishing good extraordinary precautions and sticking to them. No more nights apart - ever! Figure out how to make it work and stick to it. Watch her like a hawk. If you detect a weakness in your EPs, don't punish her for it; fix the EPs. Do not punish her at all. But please realize, if she was so all-fired able to control herself as she is promising now, none of this would have ever happened. Nobody has that much resistance to temptation.

Please listen to MrEureka and remember this: talk is cheap with an addict. IT MEANS NOTHING. Only actions count. All addicts "swear" to stop. That part is easy, but it means NOTHING. TALK IS CHEAP.

Did you see this?

I don't have that. I tried highster. It didn't work.

Have you posted in Operation Investigation about getting help to get spyware on her phone?

What about a keylogger on the home computer?

Doing this is going to be win-win. It helps to keep your wife on the straight and narrow and it will help you to build trust to see that she is not continuing any SSL online, like she was for the last 2 years.

This really should not be skipped. Along the lines of what Mr E and ML said - the fact that she is so convinced she will "never" do this again kinda worried me too. It is people who think they are not at risk that are the most at risk.

Ok. Thanks guys. I'm working on that. I will go back to operations room.

Am I crazy? It seems as though my WS is the one that chose to have the affair but being with her is the thing that makes me feel the best. That seems very counter-intuitive. Did any of you experience this phenomenon or should I reserve a padded room now?

I think any emotion from anger, sadness and happiness/relief is "normal" during early recovery stage....and/or to vascillate between all of the above.

Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. This is normal. Don't try to understand it, just stick to Plan A and ride it out. Consider yourself lucky that it is what you want to do right now. There will be times when your feelings will say otherwise. Expect it.

Going on a trip spring break (with kids). Already had it scheduled. Wish us luck. Hope we can somehow not talk about it.

Mr. Eureka - why do you say that it's a physical affair makes very little difference? It feels at times like a deal breaker to me. I can get the images out of my head. It's probably 70 percent of what I think about. Seems insurmountable what I see in my head.